Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Twitter’s fun because everyone’s really cynical and snide about everything except *checks hand* … wrestling? that can’t be right

Shazam but for the name of the person who literally just introduced themself to me

Cop: License and registration, please.
Me: Sure, can you hold my beer?

11: how large is Scotland Yard?

Me: a yard is 3 feet. So…

11: never mind, I will ask google.

Why are you screaming my name? I’m right here..

Having sex is weird.

Today I am thankful that I can still move faster than the huge spider that was in my kitchen sink a few minutes ago.

My 8yo asked if she could have the last cookie. I said no because it’s mine. She asked if she could have a half. I said okay. Now… I’m pretty sure she’s failing math because all she left me was a crumb

Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.

Fun Prank:

Use Bluetooth to play 30 second blasts of Napalm Death on your neighbours stereo. They’ll think they have a poltergeist and move

so im jus chilig on a ledge premtendig to be gargoyle when these firemen show up tellig me dont jump but they got a big trampoline so idk

I just want to retire to Ireland and eat fish & chips every day, is that too much to ask?

My bank account: Yes

Me: Everyone has that one restaurant they’re embarrassed to walk into when it’s daylight

Taco Bell employee, from across the street: Hey Adam!

Me: *runs away*

Having kids is a little like when the free sample lady tries to tell you all about the cheese & you pretend to be interested while you eat.

If you come across a bear, never push a slower friend down…even if you feel the friendship has run its course.⁣⁣

Who the hell invented Bull Riding?

“Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me!!!”

Parent drinking game: Anytime a kid drops something and doesn’t pick it up you dri…

aaaaand I’m drunk.

“I just cleared out some freezer space” sounds way more productive than “I just polished off a bag of tater tots”.

*discovering flying dinosaur*
PALEONTOLOGIST: We’ll call it pterodactyl, for “wing fingers”
ME: *crumples up note that says skynosaur*

This is enough internet for the day.

What’s the most baby state? Washington because WA

Plain white T’s: A thousands miles seems pretty far, but they’ve got plans and trains and cars

The proclaimers: *after walking 500 miles and 500 more* ……they have…. WHAT?!

My editor has informed me that I do not know how hyphens work.

I’m not-sure how I feel about-this.

I don’t like the person you become when I’m on my period.

Whoever accidentally put their dentist appointment in my ical it’s tomorrow morning! Don’t be late!

*on death bed*

Kids: I had a bad dream, can you move over so I can sleep with you?

*gets kicked in the ribs*

“If you want to lose weight eat in front of a mirror, nude”. Tried it. All I saw was a happy naked woman eating cheese.

Just sayin’ elbow macaroni’s gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between elbows and macaroni.

The nice thing about getting older is that you don’t even have to be drunk to fall in the bushes.

If your kid’s shitty kindergarten drawing is hanging on your fridge, you are an enabler of mediocrity.

“Omg there’s a picture of him blowing smoke out of his mouth. I must bang him this instant”- no one, ever.