The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
You Might Also Like
That tweet was so bad I felt sorry for the alphabet.
Not today, Satan.
Wait, what kind of cookies are those?
Stand by me.
I need someone to blame for this air biscuit.
No Linda. You didn’t train your cat to stay off the counters. You trained your cat to stay off the counters when you’re around
Arthur just couldn’t quite get used to working from home.
drake: twenni one, can you do something for meee
21 savage emerging from his pokeball: twenty one
The FBI’s terrorist hotline is not a place to chat with hot terrorists. I know that now.
[Vaccination center]
Me: *slaps $20 bill down* I would like one immunity please
As an ex-smoker, if I’d known back then just how many balloons I’d be expected to blow up in later years, I’d have thought twice about ever having kids.
Hubby has an alarm app where you can record your own sounds or music to wake up to. I just changed his to “THE HOUSE IS ON FIRE!!!”
Never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.
“Predators are essential for a healthy ecosystem,” I explained as I released a bobcat into the airduct
Whenever I see a Toyota Prius pulled over for speeding the first thing I look for is a ACME rocket mounted on the roof.
Exactly when in American history did Americans stop having British accents?
I love when you stroke my ego.
My ego is inside my panties.
Who called it a hot dog rolling grill and not a roller toaster
Me: Hello, my name is Vikki and I’m an alcoholic.
Operator: Ma’am, this is AAA.
Me: I know. I’m an alcoholic and now my car is in a ditch.
The secret to fluffy pancakes is gently folding the souls of people who annoy you into the batter.
Why does anyone like period dramas?
They’re bloody awful
Its a hippotatomus
me: meet my invisible gf
friend: u don’t have to settle for that
me: ok but she’s–
friend: i was talking to her
Well at least the world isn’t spinning uncontrollably around a huge ball of fire.
Didn’t think the neighbors would notice the new bush, but this note asking me to wear pants suggests otherwise
I accidentally caught my nuts in a barbed wire fence and now I’m the frontman of a Maroon 5 cover band.
If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.
over-40 lifehack: if you go every 6 months instead of annually, they only give you a semicolonoscopy
demi lovato is short for demilitarized love potato
I just ate an oatmeal raisin cookie so my kid didn’t have to.
He will be reminded of this sacrifice for many decades.