The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
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[getting ready for church]
Me: If you don’t hurry up and get dressed, we’re leaving you behind.
6-year-old: Okay.
Me: If you don’t hurry up, you have to go to church twice.
6: *gets dressed in record time*
i just really want crab legs
..not to eat or anything, no, i just wanna scuttle across the floor and see who runs in terror from me
A Trojan ball of yarn shows up at the cat lady’s house and 40 squirrels come running out.
wanton disregard: extreme lack of care for the well-being or rights of another individual
wonton disregard: using wontons as the target at a shooting range
I’m 38 and still have no idea what to do with my hands while I’m being arrested.
I wonder if my girlfriend jenniferbobmarklayla4362774463564636688 survived the bot purge?
Quarantine, day 14. Me and my boyfriend spent the whole day setting up an art gallery for our gerbil.
Have a kid so they can ask for a peanut butter sandwich and a jelly sandwich BUT NOT A PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY SANDWICH!
So we got a goldfish…
Girl Scout was out of Thin Mints and Samoas and tried to guilt me into taking those bullshit Trefoils off her hands.
FIND ANOTHER SUCKER, AUBREY.
My cat just winked at me and now it’s awkward because I only see her as a friend.
sorry but how is it “unclear” how many horses are loose, kicking about town rn? surely they know how many horses they started with and how many they currently have? seems like a fairly simple subtraction situation to me
Melania Trump doesn’t want to live in the same place as her husband.
More than half of America feels the same way.
My brain doesn’t sea typos until I’ve already hit send.
Interviewer: “Is this glass half empty or half full?”
Guy: “It’s completely full.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to Lay’s.”
ME: I have zero interest in owning a parrot.
CLERK: This parrot is 80% off.
ME: I will take 4 parrots.
to those of you shopping this week: please be polite and patient with shop assistants, it’s a stressful and busy time for them too 🙂
to those of you worshiping Satan this week: see you at the gathering in the woods, bring teeth 🙂
A movie with subtitles, but instead of writing out the dialog, they tell me where I know every single actor from.
Mechanic: the front shocks are shot. Did you hit a pothole?
Me: yes but I winced, patted the dash & said I was sorry so it can’t be that.
I question Chrysler’s dedication to the safety of it’s customers with names like Dodge and Ram.
boss: what are you doing this weekend?
me: more like who 😉
boss: *sigh* who are you doing this weekend?
me: no one 🙁
Charlie Brown grew up to become a good grief counselor
Sorry I’m late, I was watching ghost adventures and they heard a noise.
Nature show: pythons can grow over 20 feet
Me: they’re gonna need so many shoes
A fun way to make someone self conscious, is to put a nose hair trimmer in their grocery cart while maintaing full eye contact with them.
I hope I never have to produce an alibi…cause eating salsa in bed with my cat every night would never hold up in court.
I like my ex’s like I like my coffee…
Ground up and in the freezer
Sometimes I tell myself that everything that I’ve been through in life is totally worth it. Then I laugh hysterically.
Let me know when Duolingo makes a course in toddler