The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
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my relationship with the mailman is pretty toxic. one day he brings me gifts and i love him 😍. the next day he brings me bills and i hate him 🤬. but he always comes back 😌
Spaghetti, because you didn’t like that shirt anyways
I want my kid to be sociable, but I don’t know where I expect him to inherit that from.
Did the math. Facebook is worth $100 billion and with 800 million users that puts the value of a life at $12.50. Never pay a hitman more.
Her: Dude all your selfies look the same.
Me: That’s because it’s me in all of them.
Those traps inside ancient temples still work after thousands of years but you sit on your ear buds ONE time…
If I had a nickel for every bread pun, I’d have a pun-per-nickel.
The security camera at work has “too many instances” of me acting like a dinosaur on film. And “any amount” is “too many.” According to HR.
If you call me daddy during sex you’re getting sent home to eat your vegetables.
My son 🙋🏽♂️was SO cute today, he asked me “dad are clouds candy?” 😍 I told him they were water. 💦 Then he asked “dad, what’s Earth’s defense system?” and then I remembered I don’t have a son and he asked again his eyes now obsidian black “what is the defense system father”
Geese are too effing smart for my comfort level and frankly I don’t know why more folks aren’t alarmed. Geese are like cats only they can honk; oh and also they can fly. And they can fly in a spaceship formation; with collective grace that puts even the best Zumba class to shame.
Granola Bars, for when you’re hungry & also want to teach your mouth a lesson
The biggest threat to mankind is aliens somehow receiving transmissions of Xbox Live conversations and deciding to just blow up the planet.
You people that are getting laid regularly either need to keep that stuff to yourselves or be more descriptive.
The Whole Foods next to this movie theater is perfect if you want to sneak in your own snacks, but don’t want to save a lot of money.
ME: You coming to the party?
FRIEND: Will it be rad?-
M: -ish.
F: I guess I’ll come.
[Later at the radish party]
F: I think I misunderstood
My dog saw me naked this morning
now she’s sitting down at the end of the driveway waiting for her Uber to the shelter
“So you think you can dance.” should be the title of a Lifetime movie about strippers.
If Twitter bellies up, I’m getting addresses because we are all pen pals now
Sunday August 25th is Banana Split Day! And where do they make the best banana splits?
Sundae school.
Making it easier for the municipal leaf removal crew by dropping each leaf in an envelope & mailing it to city hall
Her: Your hair looks nice today
Me: Thanks. I slept differently.
Me: Leaving early. Taking my kid to an appointment
Boss: No, you’ve played your last kid card
Me: *slides kid card out from sleeve and slams it down on desk*
Boss: Sonofa
I can’t remember if my best friend’s nana is alive. She was ill, but I can’t remember. Obviously I can’t ask him. I’m in some sort of Schrodinger’s Nana situation.
I sent an email saying “I see you all in prison tomorrow” instead of “in person tomorrow” and I’m pretty sure that’s the worst typo a judge can send to counsel.
I told my 8yo to stop fighting with her sister, and she said “I’ll stop fighting with my sister when you stop fighting with yours.”
Me: THE CAKE IS TAKING TOO LONG
Priest: it’s objections to the marriage, specifically
Sasquatch: *to tv camera* Tonight we will try a human call and hope for a response. *clears throat* 🎵Sweet Caroline🎵
From a distance: 🎵Bah bah bah🎵
Sasquatch: You heard that! It was a human!
Camera Sasquatch: I don’t know. Could be a bird.
Weird how parrots and I tend to share the same opinions
Quest givers are like: “That’s close enough, Stranger. One more step and you’re scagg meat. Why don’t you turn around and start walkin’? Or you could help me with a deeply personal problem.”