The cashier told me to have a good holiday like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats, and hummus suggests anything else.
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You: how are you?
Me: I want to rip off my skin, scream for six hours, then swan dive off a bridge.
You: what?
Me: Good. I’m good.
Last words: “Oh, you’re not the same lion I pulled a thorn from your paw, are you?
“Real men like a woman with curves” – Fat Chicks
Lovingly painting a Hitler moustache on my mother with a Sharpie so she’ll only go out if it’s absolutely necessary.
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
My wife accused me of spending too much time on twitter. That’s funny, when did I get a wife?
I feel like calling it a “nervous system” was just setting me up for failure.
“They call me Mr Six Hours,” I told her, trying to make it sound like a sex thing not the amount of time my head was stuck in a beehive for
Highly Misleading Pictures That Will Make You Need To Look Twice At To Understand
Me: *driving* Look, kids, it’s Godzilla.
Kids: Where?
Me: *pointing* There! The big giant lizard. You can’t miss him.
Kids: WHERE!
Me: He’s picking up our car.
Kids: WHERE?!?
Me: He’s hurling us through the air.
Kids: *crying* I DIDN’T SEE HIM!!
Adulthood is about finding three things:
1. Purpose
2. Meaning
3. A place to sit down
Apparently, Indian banks will give you a loan only if you prove that you don’t need it.
Why would I want to fund a crowd?
We’d been planning on using the $1.3 million from Jeopardy to buy a house, but now I’m thinking maybe I’ll just hold on to it for a year or two and then use it to buy Twitter
Martin Shkreli at prison commissary:
“Can I buy shower sandals?”
“That’ll be $700”
“I thought it was $13.50”
“The price suddenly went up”
Me driving through Toronto
I used to be able to eat whatever I wanted without gaining weight. Now I pick up a fork and gain seven pounds.
I always answer “I know” when folks say “Nice to see you”.
I think it’s only polite to acknowledge their good fortune.
A corn maze, because the only thing worse than trying to get kids to eat vegetables is trying to get them to walk endlessly through vegetables.
Australia is touted as a great model of gun control but no one mentions our unlimited access to boomerangs.
LinkedIn: where you desperately hope that one idiot you had a drink with six years ago can somehow help get you a job.
[noticing the food the other guests brought to the party are halloween themed] this spinach artichoke dip is haunted
My dad is on Instagram now and my plan is to comment on all of his photos with horny reply guy shit like “So f****** beautiful” and “I’d let you do that to me anytime” until he deletes it.
every year on st. paddy’s my mom would give us each a cabbage leaf and we would wear them on our heads like a little hat while we ate our corned beef. i thought this was a thing all irish people did but it turns out my mom just thought it was funny. found out in college.
A gathering of crows is called a murder.
A gathering of eagles is called a convocation.
A gathering of old girlfriends is called a mistake,
…a terrible, terrible mistake.
“When I tell you that it’s time to get out of the pool, it means that it’s time to get out of the pool.”
[First Date. Full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
I only tell jokes so someone will explain them to me.
Mugger: Give me your money
Me: Get ready to see some karate!
Mugger: Oh yeah?
Me: I have tournament tickets in my man bag