The cashier told me to have a good holiday like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats, and hummus suggests anything else.
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*sucks stomach in for entire 3 year relationship*
gf: I wanna break up
*flops stomach out*
me: finally
Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: I said no.
A fun prank is to search “buy antique dolls” on someone’s computer because then all their Facebook targeted ads are creepy dolls forever
falsely accusing someone of being a contrarian is absolutely brutal. what can they say to that
#winning
deer don’t deserve antlers. I would do so much cooler stuff with antlers than just “rub them against a tree sometimes”
I’m going to go to a carpet store and act like “Crystal Mauve” is a color that everybody knows.
The true crime urge to leave clear fingerprints everywhere you go, just in case
Ordered food and they got it right but labeled everything wrong. It’s like Russian roulette but if you lose, you still get a cheeseburger.
waiter: would u like a baked potato, mashed potatoes, or fries with that
me: yes
me: how do i use this inhaler?
doctor: you suck.
me: i’m trying sorry
“My clothes don’t fit” should be a valid excuse not to go to work.
I always hold the door for ladies, but they never seem to get in the car when I do that.
Sorry kids, no visiting the chocolate factory till you finish your tour of the slaughterhouse
I break it to my toddler that “L-M-N-O-P” is not one letter, but 5. And we’re going to have to learn every one of those effing bad boys. She is aghast. I calmly assure her this isn’t the first time she’ll be disappointed upon learning the “real” lyrics to a song she likes.
If you drink straight from the pitcher, it’s technically only one margarita.
I met my wife on Tinder. She was furious.
LA today:
Aries: You pissed off the moon. You’re on your own.
I just have to continue with these drinking jokes. I think they’re hilarious.😂
Biden: I painted “Michelle Obama 2020” on your bedroom ceiling
Obama: 😳
Biden: Glow in the dark paint
I know it’s called Words With Friends, but the moment you play “QI” on a triple word spot, you just became my mortal enemy.
Husband: What is today?
Me: I’m in no mood for your riddles today.
I like my women how I like my microwaved food.
Hot as hell on the outside and cold as ice on the inside.
How do I convince my publisher that this is an essential marketing purchase
Who called it sex ed and not getting an edufornication?
“I think I have Ebola.”
“JUST DO YOUR DAMN HOMEWORK!”
– playing “Is it cake? –
Me, chewing plastic: “It’s pretty good, but I wish it was more moist.”
*leans forward*
*leans back*
*leans forward*
*leans back*
Husband: Can’t find your reading glasses again?
Me: No, I’m doing micro crunches!
[anniversary text]
H: miss u already. don’t get too lonely in that hotel suite w/o me.
M: *soaking in hot tub, sipping 4th mimosa while eating chocolate covered strawberries* who dis?