The cashier told me to have a good holiday like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats, and hummus suggests anything else.
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A spider crawled out from under my toaster oven rolling a blueberry. He can have this house. He’s earned it
half of halloween decorations are “what if a pumpkin could smile :)” and the other half is “would you like to see a clown stab a dog”.
Have the confidence of an older white man welcoming you to a dinosaur park
“stop letting someone live in your head rent free”
other people: okay, you’re right. i will stop letting them live in my head.
me: I MUST FIND A WAY TO MAKE THEM PAY THE RENT
it’s amazing how alcohol feels great and also has zero negative longterm side effects
If you’re ever bored in a taxi I recommend mouthing, “Help Me” to strangers and watching their facial expressions
MOM [introducing us by our musically themed names]: this is our daughter Lyric, this is our other daughter Melody and this is our son *points at me* Sad Trombone
Changing my voicemail to “Please don’t call me, I don’t use my phone for that”
Guys, I really think 50 Shades missed out on a really a big marketing slogan…
“CLIMAX IN IMAX”
“Oh really? Sorry, my emails have been acting funny lately”
They haven’t.
GIVE ME FUEL GIVE ME FIRE GIVE ME MILK THAT’S NOT EXPIRED
How my 7 year old plays board games:
Rolls a 6.
Counts to 6.
Moves his piece wherever he wants.
Stands at the gates of hell.
Waves to my mother in law.
Leaves.
When you take Google Maps too seriously.
My wife walked in on me sobbing uncontrollably while listening to an old song.
“Meat Loaf?” she asked.
“Yes,” I replied, between the tears. “Can we have baked potatoes too?”
I’m supposed to take an antibiotic one hour before or 2-3 hours after eating, and literally such a time does not exist
Me: Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please
Waitress [slaps my face]: The men I please, that’s none of your business
Justin Bieber songs are much more enjoyable when you replace the word “girl” with “gerbil”.
[on a date with a european]
Hmmm fascinating. Can you tell me about what 400 year old blood feuds your family is involved in?
150 different species go extinct every single day. Even worse, you keep not being one of them.
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
if Barbie’s elbows or knees bend when she puts on clothes i’m out
me: do you take walk-ins
dude at the crematorium: what
[before sex]
ME: Did you notice I waxed?
WIFE: I wondered what happened to your eyebrows
The Wizard of Oz is basically a
movie about two women willing kill each other over a pair of shoes.
Me: *gestures to the bellhop to take my bags to my room*
Vanilla Ice: Yo man, I don’t work here
M: *slips him a five*
VI: Right away sir
there are 8 billion people in the world and i only have 3 friends and one is annoying.
it’s crazy you can’t just go to prison. if you want to get in there, you have to rob a gas station there’s no other way
Me: *places a hold on a book in the Libby app*
Libby app: There’s a 36 week wait on this book.
Me: *starts another book while I wait*
*two hours later*
Libby app: Your hold is ready.
My prescription isn’t ready, so three toddlers at this pharmacy just learned the F word.