The cashier told me to have a good New Year like my purchase of oven cleaner and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
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Me: Happy then grumpy, dopey, bashful, sneezy, sleepy, doc.
Doc: How the hell am I supposed to tackle all those symptoms in a ten-minute consultation?!
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Sandy
4. Hand Jive
5. Ramalamalamadingadadingedong
– Five Stages of Grease
It was an unfortunate incident, but at least Doug learned he should never lick his light saber after using it to cut chocolate cake.
My grandpa once shot a hornet’s nest with a shotgun and had to spend 4 hours hiding under a log until the swarm dissipated. What I’m saying is, I come from a long line of poor decision makers so you can only expect so much
My phone case doesn’t expose the logo on the back. So it could be anything. I could be speaking on two mirrors with foam in the middle.
“NO SHIT!”
~Urinals
My wife isn’t international so we don’t celebrate
Mom there’s a boogie man in my closet!
*mom looks and I’m standing there with an afro in a satin shirt and platform shoes
my family doesn’t like that i’m in a permanent bad mood after they made it a priority group project to put me in a permanent bad mood
When the internet is down I turn my bed into a make-believe boat and play Life of Pi with the cat
(On phone) Him: I just ran a marathon in under four? Me: (eating) months or years?
I bought some coconut shampoo today.
I got halfway home before I thought, “I dont even have a coconut!”
My dog just saved my life by ferociously barking at nothing outside.
Blowing kisses to my coworkers so that nobody talks to me today
Make sure to make eye contact with the hottest person in the room as you stuff a burrito into your mouth
Friend: I got an expensive new face cream.
Me: Your face looks terrible. I’d sue.
Friend: I haven’t used it yet.
Lovingly painting a Hitler moustache on my mother with a Sharpie so she’ll only go out if it’s absolutely necessary.
I took a BEFORE picture of my living room, and then I set a timer for 30 minutes. The AFTER picture looked the same?? 🤔
A public stoning, but it’s just a group of people throwing donut holes at me
The optometrist sees the one eyed man’s glasses as half-full. The pessometrist sees them as half-empty.
tensing up so the masseuse doesn’t win
[interview]
Any questions?
“Why isn’t Bigfoot called Bigfeet?”
No about working here
“Oh! If he worked here would you call him Bigfeet?”
It’s too bad he never woke up and chose violence. “Bob Ross, mob boss” has a nice ring to it.
If I was meant to exercise, the good alcohol would be kept on the bottom shelf not the top.
*bursts into English convention*
GRAB ALL THE STUFF YOU CAME WITH THE BUILDING’S ON FIRE
*crickets*
Christ. THE STUFF WITH WHICH YOU CAME
Don’t hate the PLAYA… hate the Spanish word for beach.
[dinner time]
me: what would you like to stare at for twenty minutes and then throw away?
kids: whatever’s the most difficult to make
*at the vet*
me: my new cat won’t stop hissing
vet: ma’am this is a cockroach
me: oh crap. that pet store ripped me off
My new yoga instructor’s name is Matt so I called him “Yoga Matt” & he said “yeah, don’t ever call me that”. Yoga Matt isn’t very zen.