The cashier told me to have a good Valentine’s Day like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
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Canadians are not always nice, especially if your son pisses on their snowman.
cake decorator: do you want an exclamation point after “happy birthday”?
me: no, my son wanted more of a somber motif for his sixth birthday
Dude just wanted a popsicle…
Astrophysicists still struggling to explain the Big Bang Theory: “It’s a corny show! We just don’t get it!” said one astrophysicist.
If you’re having second thoughts….
you’re ahead of most people.
I can always tell, after reading the first page, if a script has, at least, two pages.
I believe there are people on this planet who were born to get in everyone’s way at the grocery store.
My kid wants to be Batman so bad he bought us opera tickets in a bad neighborhood.
*Boyfriend gets in bed*
Him: Wanna fool around?
Me: *Doesn’t hear him because I’m tipping the cheetos bag directly into my mouth*
2021 is the perfect year to test out my new response to any awkward family Thanksgiving topics: “I don’t wanna talk about ______, I wanna talk about Taylor Swift..”
When Americans say Math instead of Maths I find it so damn exy
[Bar]
me: Gimme one more
wife: I think you’ve had enough
m: Last one
w: Fine
m: *asks waitress for another kids menu so I can do the maze*
Just discovered that the self checkout area is not what you’d think.
If feeling embarrassment at past actions means you’ve “grown as a person,” then I grow as a person about every 5 minutes
In Australia what doesn’t kill you is probably just saving you for the sharks.
Is it normal for a cat to get smarter? When Max was a kitten he was really dumb but now he reads at an 8th grade level
4yo daughter: No matter how much I wipe there’s still poo
Me: *blocking people on twitter* Same, baby
My 4yo’s teacher: He’s one of my model students.
Me [aghast]: My child?
It has been scientifically proven that any woman can be satisfied with only 3 1/2 inches — and it doesn’t matter if it is Visa or MasterCard
[Meeting]
CEO: as u can see [points to graph w laser] we-
BUSINESS CAT:[comes flying across table & just crashes right into a photocopier]
I admire women with the restraint to draw on their eyebrows. I wouldn’t be able to stop until I’d added glasses and a moustache.
[dropping my bf off at the airport]
Me: *going in for a hug, already crying* I’m gonna miss you so much
Him: I’m gonna make everyone think you’re my Uber driver!
Me: wait wha-
Him: *pushing my face away* OKAY FINE, I’LL GIVE YOU 5 STARS!
I normally don’t brag when I go to expensive places, but I just left the gas station..
(Family Reunion)
Me: …and the real loud guy who keeps talking with his mouth full?
Wife: That’s Murray…He’s my cousin once removed.
Me: Any chance we can remove him again?
Imma tattoo a QR code that, when scanned, takes people to a YouTube video about how weird it is to scan people’s tattoos
Cute stranger: *smiles at me*
Me: *already imagining who will get custody of the dog*
At what age do kids learn to close doors after they’ve walked through them? I think it might be 29.
Get a big metal box, label it “TIME CAPSULE” and take a big dump in it so people know what 2011 was like.
“I’ll take the Batmobile. Robin, you take the–”
[Robin doing up laces]
“The Batskates, yeah I know.”
The voices in my head have been quiet for a while. They probably broke something.