The cashier told me to have a good Valentine’s Day like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
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*Meeting GF parents*
What are your intentions with our daughter?
Uh I need someone to sing the girl parts of Grease songs with me
Customer Service: Are you ready for your confirmation number?
Me: Yup. *pretends to write it down*
CS: 683648AC4712.
Me: mmm hmm… Ok, got it!
CS: You want to repeat it back
to me?Me: No thanks *click*
Deep down, we’re all that one lady in 7-11 with her bathrobe on.
A Twitter love story, in 3 parts:
him: anything to declare
me: i don’t really like soup
everyone else in customs: [GASP]
Me: She loves me, she loves me not, she loves me, she loves me not, she lov-
Wife: CAN YOU JUST PEEL THE SHRIMP PLEASE
I always answer “I know” when folks say “Nice to see you”.
I think it’s only polite to acknowledge their good fortune.
i spent way too long on this
If it weren’t for this whole job thingy that pays me money I’d become a professional nap taker.
Tim Cook just came out. Waiting for the Android version.
I’ve been nominated Vice President of the PTA.
It’s only a matter of time before my political sex scandal.
cover letters are so embarrassing. why am i writing a love letter to this email job
Oohh, you play bass, as in the guitar. I thought you played bass, like the fish. I would’ve paid to see that.
Not many quicksand-related deaths since the 1970s.
Thank god the authorities got that nightmare under control.
judge: what do you have to say for yourself
scooby-doo villain: i was legally startling trespassers on my own private property and was wrongfully arrested and imprisoned by a group of high teenagers
judge: oh damn
Dog: I didn’t do it.
Cat: You left a cup on the table. Now it’s on the floor. Clearly, this is your fault.
Imagine asking me, “What that mouth do?”
And I say, “Come and find out .”
Now it’s the third hour of you listening to me talk nonstop about bees
I’d rather get killed by the Blair Witch on the first night than have to camp another night.
Guys, I’ve never watched Succession or Ted Lasso. It’s like I’m some uncontacted tribe in the middle of nowhere
Bouncy balls are super fun if you love to play with something very briefly, then spend 45 minutes looking for it in a shrub.
“Honey, it’s time we talk to him about the roaches & the fleas”
“You mean the birds & the bees?”
“DEAR GOD WOMAN HAVE YOU SEEN HIS ROOM!”
me, being swallowed whole by a komodo dragon: haha, okay we get it, you don’t like to chew
I’ve reprogrammed my FitBit to allow for more me time. And by reprogram, I mean I’ve attached it to the leg of a deer.
I was born to run.
WIFE: Stop taking things the wrong way.
ME: [swallows suppository]
DOCTOR: Don’t be embarrassed. Taking trousers off is normal for a prostate exam.
ME: Err yeah I guess. Should I take mine off too?
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: 24 glasses of milk
Cop: Milk? Why were you driving so erratically?
Me: I was hoping I’d get pulled over so I could brag
Friend: your kid is bouncing off the walls and running everywhere!
Me: yeah… she’s super tired
Friend: tired?
Me: it’s complicated
I am ‘yay my plans to go out got cancelled’ years old
Before I die, I’m going to arrange for a friend to take my phone, and after the funeral, text everybody to say “thanks for coming” and other assorted messages of appreciation.
If you’re not sure if a woman is pregnant or not, go ahead and ask her how far along she is in order to clear things up