Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m watching a guy on tv who makes a living simply by having opinions about hockey wondering which one of us is the bigger pile of shit.

This anagram machine is out of order.

I, for one, understand ingrown hairs. I too have seen the world and would like to go back to where I came from

Hot Dads in ur Area Are Disappointed in ur Browser History Especially the One ur Watching Right Now With Midgets Dressed Like Dinosaurs

Me: Hi—

Her: I have a boyfriend

Me: —and would you like fries with that?

You know…for fall…

reminder

*opens fridge door, looking for friends *

13 Types of Regret You’ll Experience After Clicking on a Link to an Article That Won’t Live Up to its Exaggerated Headline

“IF YOU EAT ANY MORE CANDY, YOU’RE GOING TO BARF!” my kids yell at me.

Sometimes I like to imagine Thanos singing the Addams Family theme song just snapping people in and out of existence

Warning:

This movie contains “Adult Themes” such as interest rates, bad knees, back pain, and excitement about going to bed early.

Just opened the freezer and the vodka literally rolled out into my hands, no way I could ignore this sign from god.

At the grocery store and forgot my wife’s list, but no worries I’m sure there’s another dad here that I can copy off of.

Jesus was actually killed by the FBI when he discovered birds weren’t real

My daughter asked me why my grandfather was a racist, and if she has to become one too

I said it was because his parents didn’t raise him properly, and he was ignorant and full of hate

As she walked away crying I realized she was asking me how he became a race car driver

Guys, the best way to keep your SO happy is to let her think she’s smarter than you, if you’re on Twitter she probably is anyway.

“I’m gonna make a cool new social media site for college kids, but only for a few years. Then it’ll be a mom scrapbook” ~ Mark Zuckerberg

there is no greater joy than helping to make a friend’s dream come true

GUY WHO NORMALLY APPLAUDS WHEN THE PLANE LANDS RIGHT BEFORE THE PILOT CRASHES INTO A MOUNTAIN: boo

Feeling lazier than the guy who named the anteater

“What’s this thing eat? Cool.”

9 out of 7 people can’t do fractions

This will never not be funny to me.

[enter password]

*Correct*

[your password is incorrect]

Me: ahh that’s right

*incorrect*

Login Successful

After watching Honey Boo Boo, I realize America has much bigger problems than the national debt.

Adding “scroll for two hours” to my To-Do list, so I won’t do it.

Brought a ninja to a gunfight and it was really cool. Everyone clapped. Then they shot him.

[breakfast in hell]

STALIN: Toast is burnt

POL POT: Eggs are rotten

HITLER: I hate the juice

STALIN: Oh here we go

HITLER: I said JUICE

The hardest part about raising a centaur baby is having people know you banged a horse.

Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.

Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.