Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Parenting is being woken up at midnight to answer “mumma if sharks don’t have bones how do they have skeletons?”

Growing up my half brother convinced me the family of ginger kids in the next street – me also being ginger – were from my Dad’s previous marriage, but told me not to tell anyone. When Dad died I visited them to let them know. You could imagine the confusion as the lie unfolded

I’ve made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I never ate candy corn on purpose.

“Don’t be a stranger,” I say, having already forgotten the name of the person I’m talking to.

(mcdonalds drive thru employee hands me bag) wow that was fast. you must’ve made this before

my kid: how much venom does a scorpion store in his tail?

me: idk, want me to google it?

him: no, didn’t you go to college? you should know this

me: umm yeah i have a bachelors degree

him: oh so you’re only licensed to go to bachelor party, makes sense

colleges: i’m going to put you in so much debt you can’t even breathe

also colleges: *teary voice* what do you mean you won’t donate to our alumni fund

After killing a spider I wrap the web around his neck and hang him from the wall to make it look like a suicide.

[first day as a buddhist] go ahead. name a person more patient than me. i’ll wait.

12: Can I have $20?
Me: I think you mean borrow
12: I don’t think that’s what I mean

Don’t blame me for the world’s problems, I was practically raised by the Muppets as a kid.

Me the car. Him washing the windshield. If course I’m pointing at imaginary spots because that’s always hilarious.

Toasters must work on some exponential scale. Two minutes barely toasted. Ten more seconds burned beyond recognition.

To the lady in the black BMW who stuck up two fingers at me after I beeped at her when pulling out of Waitrose car park just now:

Your Louis Vuitton handbag probably isn’t on your car roof anymore.

Me, excited: Are we gonna go in the Mosh Pet!

-You mean the mosh PIT, right?

Me, sad: *Furtively puts my dog grooming kit away*

Did you know most countries make you keep your shirt on during all you can eat ribs night?

Me: Can’t you just hot-wire it?

Apple technician: No ma’am, your phone actually needs the passcode.

Moved my clocks forward and they fell off the shelves

Me: when I grow up, I want to be an astronaut

Dad: to find all the undiscovered wonders of the universe?

Me (thinking about the many breeds of space dog I haven’t pet): yes, exactly

I’ve been following a really strict diet for several months now and lately I’m having these nightmares where I wake up and I’m surrounded by a ton of junk food wrappers that I ate in the night. It’s pretty hilarious.

after watching what feels like 73 Fast and Furious movies… no one fills up with petrol, do those cars run on hopes and dreams

In my defense Facebook didn’t alert me it’s my wife’s birthday.

first world problems

I could really use hands-free web browsing.

i shouldn’t be laughing, but i am

Women. Can’t live with em, can’t live without titties.

‘Siri, am I an alcoholic?’, I whisper into my burrito.

Tracklist for Donda 2

1. I hate Pete Davidson.
2. Did I mention that I hate Pete Davidson.
3. Cancel Pete.
4. I hope Pete Davidson has a really awful day.
5. I still hate Pete Davidson.
6. Kim come back.
7. I really hate someone with the initials P.D

Kid, when asked to do a chore: “I hope this isn’t gonna become a habit.”

Friend: What was the hardest part of learning to pay the kazoo?

Me *thinking about it* probably when Amy left

so, what you’re saying is, if i don’t eat an apple a day, i’ll meet a doctor?

… sounds better than tinder