Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

HR says I’m not allowed to test the bungy rope I made out of rubber bands on the intern

Accidentally cut an old cat-5 cable and now the basement is flooded with internet.

My little sister did homework for a kid in her school because he promised to pay her $30 but after she finished it for him he told her that he wasn’t gonna pay her so she just sent him a picture of an email draft addressed to him and his teacher and just says “what about now”

email: CC

my brain: corn cob

If I learned anything from Peter Pan, it’s that I can leave my dog to watch my kids while I go out and party.

The head of my homeowners association told me I can’t burn any effigies over 15 feet tall in my yard, so I know exactly what my next 14′ 11″ effigy will be, hope you like it Todd

mob boss: rip his fingernails off
henchman: they’re bitten really short
mob boss: then do his toenails!
henchman: [removing my socks] you’re not gonna believe this

Guy Fieri is the live action version of the cartoon version of himself.

Netflix: Can YOU solve these Unsolved Mysteries?!

Me: *sitting on the couch in my underwear eating my fourth bowl of Coco Puffs* Prolly

therapist: would some music help you feel more centered?

me: no thanks, I’m self-centered

therapist: again, that’s why we’re here

“Son, you can practice the sex on holes in trees”

“DAD?!”

[next day]

“Where you going with that broom handle?”

“Checkin for squirrels”

Don’t interrupt me while I’m embarrassing myself

Resigned to my own fate, but also really hoping that fate includes Snickers bars and an 8th season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.

HIM: Why is this sticky?

ME: Remember that crazy sex we had? I got pregnant and now we have a 2YO contaminating the entire place with filth

The same mosquito kept biting me last night. He probably thought he was at a wine tasting event.

ohgod what if there’s some murderer in the backseat of my car while i’m driving alone and they hear me singing this cranberries song off-key

This is the greatest and I won’t hear otherwise.

People who live in glass houses probably have a lot of squeegees.

Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.

Dry January. Only drinking dry martinis.

The inventor of the elevator should be credited for the birth of awkward silence as well.

How To Avoid Dating

●You’re too young for me.
●I’m too young for you.
●I don’t date men my age.
●Okay, but after I finish my antibiotics.

Daughter: Daddy, I can’t sleep.

Me: *gets warm milk* How about now?

D: Nope

Me: *reads a book* How about now?

D: Nope

Me: *starts to sing*

D: *fake sleeps so I’ll stop*

Me: Man, I should have started with that.

Why do we call them “restrictions,” anyway? Do you look at a life-jacket and think “there’s my drowning restriction”?

Sorry I’m breaking up with you but you have terrible taste in women

in today’s episode of ‘how strong is your marriage’ we take a trip to Home Depot to pick out a shade of white

Shoutout to all the guests at my wedding that forever held their peace……WHAT THE HELL DID I EVER DO TO YOU?!?!

Please hold so I can transfer you to a supervisor and accidentally hang up on you.

so long suckers! i rev up my motorcylce and create a huge cloud of smoke. when the cloud dissipates im lying completely dead on the pavement

[HR office]
Do you know why we called you in today?
To give me a pay rise?
No.
Because I googled ‘How to burn down office’ 600 times?
Yes.