Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I bought a book on Feng Shuis but I don’t know where to put it.

Dietician: “I can help you lose weight in 12 easy steps.”

Me: “Is there an elevator?”

I like long walks away from everyone

How I flirt with girls:
1. Walk past them 15 times
2. Go home

the worst part of homeschooling is when my kid shoves me into a locker in front of all the cheerleaders

May God bless you with children who are incompetent at hiding evidence

I’ve never been #BackToTheFuture , but my mom always used to promise me she’d knock me into next week if I didn’t behave.

My 9 year old ran away for an hour and by the time he came back my wife had already turned his bedroom into a yoga studio.

Small talk is good for your sanity because you can have a short, pleasant exchange with a stranger and then feel good for a minute because you tricked yourself into thinking maybe not everyone is insane

The news keeps updating everyone on the Queen’s coffin’s location like it’s a package we can’t wait to get in the mail.

I put my fake Christmas tree up in record time

then compulsively fluff it for a month.

“I’m afraid you need to keep shoes on in the library.”
“Or else?”
“You’ll be asked to leave.”
“I don’t care.”
“Also I will summon the power to disappear the sun from the sky for several minutes.”
“Fine, I’ll put ’em on.”
“Thanks. …I uh, I may do the sun thing anyway, just FYI.”

I don’t know why HR tell me I’m not allowed to use the fire extinguisher unless there’s a fire, then get cranky when I start one.

[hotel]
wife: I’m gonna go change. Find us a movie, ok? *winks*
me: Ok!
*wife comes out in lingerie*
wife: What’d you pick?
me: Space Jam

Really looking forward to the day my 14yo daughter starts speaking English again.

FYI: I guess the goal of bobbing for apples is not who can drink all the water.

I was going to pay the taxi driver with my leftovers from lunch but that wouldn’t be fare to him

I knew I’d pissed off Mother Nature when she sent a hurricane to wash my car and then left it on my roof.

me: babe watch me flip this omelette!

her: cool

me: now watch me kick flip this omelette!!

her: sick!!!

Please let it be chicken..please let it be chicken

Warning to friends:
If you piss me off I’ll put a for sale sign in my yard and list your phone number to call for inquiries.

I am in:
🔵 Kentucky
🔵 Texas
🔘 Pants

For the:
🔵 Fried Chicken
🔵 Chainsaw Massacre
🔘 First time in weeks

Him: Will you marry me?
Me: *sprays him in the face with silly string*

you (uncultured): Ok.

me (cultured): Othousand.

[Job interview]
“Can you explain this gap in your résumé?”
Me: “I fell asleep on the space key.”

[customs]
“Passport?”
*I lift up my bag & a severed head falls out*
ME: OH NO OH GOD
*still rummaging through bag*
ME: I’ve forgotten it

The danger of me asking why people don’t like Taylor Swift’s new boyfriend is that someone might tell me.

how do we expect our kids to learn from our mistakes when we’re still out there buying too many bananas just like our parents did

Ways to get me naked:

1. Be hot
2. Be funny
3. Be alcohol
4. Pretend to be my gynecologist