The casinos are closed, so get your gambling fix by ordering groceries online.
You Might Also Like
New dad: my kid started teething it’s awful.
Me: want some advice?
New dad: please!
Me: step 1 get a bottle of whiskey.
New dad: okay.
Me: step 2 drink it all.
It sucks when you & your pal show up at a party wearing the same shirt…and an hour in, his chest hair starts sticking to your back.
Autocorrect just changed “carnie” to “catnip” and now all my friends think I slept with a bunch of catnips last night.
If satan isn’t real then who invented 3rd grade recorder flute concerts
My dream is to become the first smart person to be interviewed by a newscaster live at a scene.
I learned German so I could sound angry about everything.
Him: The smell of marinara reminds me of my grandma
Me: That’s cause your nose is connected to the limbic system of your brain where emotions are processed! Your olfactory nerve gettin all up in your amygdala and jumpin on good memories
Waiter: Ma’am please return to your table
Used shampoo instead of shower gel and now my body has up to 70% more body.