The casinos are closed, so get your gambling fix by ordering groceries online.
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You can’t be mad if I poop in it. Your the one with a toilet planter in your front yard.
Do you think police always say “Do you know why I pulled you over?” on the off chance that you’ll admit to some high crime?
“Shit… Was it the treason?”
everyone freaking out thinking the robot apocalypse is coming bc the google AI is sentient and it’s like okay? just add it to the apocalypse pile who cares
I can’t feel my face when I’m with you, but I love it.
Doctor: This is your third Botox appointment. That wasn’t even funny the first time.
can’t wait for this corona thing to blow over and I can stop washing my hands again
*ex-Olive Garden server shoveling dirt into a fresh grave*
Tell me when.
Wolverine was named that because he was a combination of a wolf and a nectarine I will not be taking questions at this time.
Old Billy from security really spoils our sniffer dogs.
My kid found my ice cream stash and now I have to eat it all tonight so I don’t have to share it tomorrow – parenting is tough and not for everyone
Her: I’m having a dry party.
Me: Sorry, I’m busy.
Her: You don’t even know when.
Me: You don’t even know me.
Phew. After THAT lunch I won’t need afternoon tea haha just kidding pass me that lasagna.
2017: It can’t get worse than this
DAY ONE, 2018: A YouTube star filmed a dead body for entertainment
[in the bedroom]
Husband: Close your eyes. I’m going to do something you’re really going to enjoy.
Me: Okay.
H: *takes the kids and leaves for the day*
i quit boxing the moment i realized my opponent was allowed to punch me in the face too
I never go where I’m not wanted, unless you’re serving cake. If you’re serving cake I’ll be there either way.
Me: Was the island real or were they dead the whole time?
Sony tech support: We can’t answer that kind of TV question, sir.
[Excavation for dino bones]
DIGGER: Sir, we found something BIG!
DOG PALEONTOLOGIST: *tail wags* Ok go for break [salivating] I’ll finish up
I had a dream I went to Hell and Satan forced me to sing karaoke with him.
That’s right, the Devil made me duet.
The trick to doing crimes is to wait until after 5pm when all the police have gone home for the day
let’s discuss
*orders expensive cat bed*
*waits 5 weeks for overseas shipping*
*watches the cat ignore it for 6 months*
*finally throws it, defeated, on top of the wardrobe*
H: Let’s have dinner on the deck tonight.
Every mosquito in a 17 mile radius: OKAY!
i couldn’t remember the word “counting” so i told my friend to “do the number alphabet.”
Me: a pessimist sees the glass half empty; an optimist see the glass half full.
Wife: [returning from the restroom] why is half my mimosa gone?
Me: because you’re a pessimist.
For as much as they teach you “Stop, Drop, and Roll” as a kid, I really expected to be on fire at least once in my life.
[one tweet gets 10 likes]
me: ok i gotta be careful now about what i put on my timeline. i have a successful brand to protect.
Superman: How’d you know?
Lex: Know what?
S: My secret identity!
L: Whaddya mean?
S: You called me a KENT!!
L: That’s NOT what I called you.
Teach one orca how to play Battleship and look what happens.
Me: I’m going to bed after this episode.
Netflix: Hahahahahaha! Sure. Ok.
Thank you, baby Jesus for helping my favorite sports team instead of saving people from a tsunami. You must really love baseball.