Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Buy followers?

No thanks. I’m married so I spend enough money on people I don’t talk to

[A pair of crocs sitting on a riverbank]

Why do you think people hate us so much?

“Idk. I blame the idiots who wear us with socks.”

no, YOU’RE clutching a string of kielbasas like rosary beads

I don’t need a New Year’s resolution, it’s the year’s turn to be better.

I threw out a jar of expired protein powder and some jacked up raccoons beat the shit out of me a week later.

Dad died last year. I had the job of clearing his house out as I still
live in the same town. Found twelve thousand pounds in cash stashed in various hiding places. Haven’t told my siblings.

Woke up this morning, looked in the mirror & said out loud, “You gotta bring it today!”

SO I’M GONNA BRING IT!

*brings lunch to work*

Have kids so they can wake you at 2 a.m. yelling with what you think is a nightmare and your adrenaline spikes as you rush to their room worried and ready to console them but instead find out they’re just complaining that “it’s too boring in here”

i don’t want to rock and roll all night. i want to sleep all night without having to get up and pee 39 times

ME: [sees old friend with new wife] Hey congrats on the wedding! Where did you marry?

HIM: Maui

ME: Oh, sowwy! Where did you mawwy her?

ME: I want a koi swimming downstream

TATTOO ARTIST: Ah yes. That’s very symbolic. You must be very spiritual?

ME: Ya ha. Also, put a pop-tart in its mouth

If you drink five of those 5 Hour Energy drinks in one day you unlock the secret 25th hour and you also die

Drugs are great until they fall into the wrong hands. I am referring, of course, to the cops or people who don’t enjoy life.

me: I really can’t stay
him: but, baby it’s-
me: *tail lights*

After drinking that much, I just hope whatever I bring back home is some sort of human.

It’s way easier to procure food now than it was for our ancestors. Thousands of years ago, instead of buying it in the store, I would have had to hunt this can of Pringles in the wild.

when wolves raise a human child no one cares, but when i raise a wolf as my child and send it to elementary school everyone freaks out

I saw my shadow this morning and it looks like I have six more weeks of dieting.

*my cat, who has 3 different beds and a cat tree* I must sleep on the clothes you have laid out for the day

After 12 years of marriage we no longer spoon. We chopstick.

I pulled my Power Washer out not because anything really needed cleaning but because you may as well have some fun while your quarantined. Related, my neighbor is soaked.

HER: Why is your safe full of pasta?

ME: A penne saved is a penne earned.

[training the new person at work]

Them: so you do this everyday?

Me, hiding in the toilet for the 6th time: yes

every pillow ad now is just them hurling shit like bowling balls at the product and acting like it means something. “see how poorly our competitors deflect this Olympian’s shot put?” great point, i’ll keep your product in mind if i go completely insane

Today I’m going to give it my almost

Caveman Summer

Dad: Go. Play. Outside.
8: But I want to draw on walls
D: GO!
8: Fine!
*he goes
Mom: Why don’t you go with him?
D: Dinosaurs

the tiny monsters are on their way. and my job. is to hold this bucket of snacks for them. i was told they can only take one. but that’s not my rule to enforce

Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride

Britain be like

A lady in a BMW pulled up to me on my bike to ask if it was hot out, and now my goal is to be so rich I can’t feel weather.