Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Buy her a new cauldron. Keep her broom in good repair. Maintain a robust collection of eye of newt.

Witches love that.

People ask if I’m worried about growing a third arm after getting the vaccine and honestly I could use more hands.

When your house haunted but you got nowhere else to go

Pick a card, any card. No, not that one. Not that one, either.

if doctors are real how come I haven’t seen one in 29 years

I’d be that girl in the movies that can’t successfully hide from the killer because my stomach growls.

billionaire: we’re all in this together

everyone: you lost money too?

billionaire: haha no i am somehow richer

MY NECK, MY BACK, A STRANGER TOOK MY CAT

Twitter is like a dorm, someone is always up at every hour, someone is crying and someone is drunk.

ME:I’m a writer
HER:What have you written?
ME:A few books, but you wouldn’t have heard of them
HER:Try me
ME:They go to a different school

I planned to graduate camping school but I failed tent grade.

[about to have sex]

her: put on this blindfold

me: I think a condom would be safer

[comes home from a day away]

Kids: Guess what we did today?!?

Me: Played monopoly, ate pizza, painted, cut paper, had ice cream.

Kids: How’d you know?!?

Me: *looking at everything out* Lucky guess

[on a date]

him: I just want someone who isn’t obsessed with their phone

me: *slowly slides the 20 ft charger I was about to plug into the restaurant wall back into my purse*

You’re only as old as the sounds you make when you get out of the car

It turned out to be a huge mistake filling that pinata with healthy snacks around kids with weapons to beat you with.

Got a pedicure with my wife and those spas have everything they need to dispose of a dead body

Interviewer: Give me an example of something you took with you from your last job
Me: Toilet paper

I’m not buying it that each village only had one idiot

I put some fridge magnets on my fridge door and now it’s covered in fridges

DOCTOR: What’s the matter?

ME: I don’t know. Sometimes I feel like I’m a bad husband.

DOCTOR: I meant with your wife.

ME: Oh her water broke or something.

Tired of being hit by cars? Fed up with being scraped off the road? Sick of fighting off vultures after you’ve been pancaked?

Sidewalks™

Life is short. If you have a crush on someone, walk right up to them then a little past them and just keep going it’s probably not worth it

Stop sending me this shit.

FOR SALE: air guitar, never played

A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up along side them and say “I think we lost them.”

The person you are trying to stalk
Is stalking another person..
Please wait

*Pizza Hut job interview*
“Do you own a shitty car and smoke pot?”
No sir.
“You will.”

If you get on the train while people are still getting off, may your tea be forever cold

My son’s default mode is “protester being dragged out of a political rally.”