Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I have come up with the most awkward event of all time: the Father-Son wedding dance.

someone dropped a taco in front of my dog last night and he dove after it like he was a secret service agent tackling a potential threat

Lisa is still trying to catch all those cats. She sent me this picture and I cannot stop laughing.

My problem is I always think I can get ready in 15mins when I have repeatedly proven that I can’t 😂

my body: please, eat something green

me: ugh, fine! *eats mint chip ice cream*

I thought I liked the style of the clothes on Temu, but then when I got them I realized I just liked the perfectly tan skin and soft beach waves of the models, and those were missing from my order

My daughter found and ate my hidden chocolate and her reason was she thought they were for everyone.

That

“As the crow flies” means something entirely different when it’s “in your living room” and you are “hiding in the closet with your cat.”

Dear Kelloggs,

Cereal that makes them go back to sleep.

Sincerely,
Tired parents

I won’t be satisfied until I have enough followers to form sects that fight about how to interpret My tweets until they kill each other.

I like big MUTTS & I cannot lie
U other breeders can’t deny
When a dog walks in with a pretty mixed race & spots all on its face it gets PET

WTF IS AN ACRONYM

Apparently banging the hell out of this remote doesn’t seem to be recharging these dead batteries.

4 AM

BLADDER: Get up. You need to go
STOMACH: And you’re hungry
BRAIN: Imagine if Hammer Time was a real time zone. We’d have to move there

When a guy on a date says “how are you still single” apparently you’re not supposed to tell him

I told my sons that we used to have to ask girls out and even break up face to face and the look of horror on their faces was priceless.

Pork is awesome, but it’s best when used as a verb.

*attaches note to pigeon

*stuffs pigeon into envelope

🎶…we didn’t start the fire🎵

I used to believe in International Women’s Day… then I realised it was just my dad sneaking into my room, dressed as an International Woman.

me: hi
sloth: HELL!!!!
me: ..umm [walks away]
sloth: ..oh 🙁

superman: can i borrow 500 bucks?

batman:

superman:

batman:

superman: [sighs] can i batborrow 500 batbucks?

batman: yep

With the amount of hairs falling out of my head daily, it’s amazing I haven’t been implicated in any local crime scenes.

*Tries to get makeup off*

Makeup: I have a boyfriend.

The nine most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government and my name is Dracula

Give a man fish and you’ll feed him for a day…… Give a fish a man and you’re probably in the Mafia

*goes to the gym*

*takes a selfie & posts it on Facebook for the wife to see*

*hurries to the bar*

Do you know who REALLY gets irony?

Skydiving schools.

Cuz you gotta drop out to graduate!

*releases mic to float down on tiny parachute*

[straw house]

Wolf: [big inhale]

[gun cock from inside]

Wolf: [soft exhale]

Wife: Can we eat outside?

Me: *supportive* Of course babe. I love wasps.