THE CAST OF “CATS” AS MEDIEVAL CAT PAINTINGS: A THREAD
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I will let someone cut the line I’m waiting in, but only if they let me braid their hair from behind.
Her: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: …
H: …
M: …
H: Why are you hesitating?
M: I’m not sure which answer will get me laid.
a band called LinkedIn Park that’s just a bunch of accountants having a midlife crisis
Haha my cousin’s safeword is “chalice.” (We don’t have sex; I saw it cuz I hacked his email to get his salmon casserole recipe)
my girlfriend has literally 40 browser tabs open on her $170 chromebook. some tabs are like a week old and it’s not even slowing down. it’s astounding. trying to imagine what 1998 me would think of that. he’d be amazed i have a girlfriend
After a long day of tweeting I like to relax with a hot cup of wtf am I doing with my life?
My PS5 died, I guess I need to make friends now.
I still have all the energy to go to concerts and stay out until two am.
I do not, however, still have the energy for the next day.
[anniversary text]
H: miss u already. don’t get too lonely in that hotel suite w/o me.
M: *soaking in hot tub, sipping 4th mimosa while eating chocolate covered strawberries* who dis?
Her: How do you like your bacon?
Me: In bulk
I’d exercise more often if running didn’t spill the whiskey in my glass.
Attention: All employees will be required to bring their own toilet paper until further notice.
-Management
ME: [drinking a glass of raw eggs]
WIFE: What are you training for?
ME: [drinking glass of bread] I just hate cooking
I like to think I’m in charge but then one sad look from my child finds me gently disposing of a dead yard mouse in a nice bag on a carefully arranged bed of leaves
Not to brag but my boss gave me a certificate of achievement and he said it’s much more prestigious than a pay raise.
accidentally put my phone in airplane mode and my front door blew off
Fruity
I like to take long walks away from stupid people.
a broth-er is the best relative to help you make soup
Sometimes I accidentally hit “z” instead of “.” and end up sending texts like “see you laterz” like I’m a cool teen from 2003.
I told my 5yo to brush her teeth so she doesn’t get cavities and she responded with, “so what they’re gonna fall out anyways.” I had no comeback to this.
When life hands you gators, make Gatorade…just kidding-that means life hates you because the gators would totally kill and eat you 1st.
Me: I can’t get this star on top of the Christmas tree without a ladder, without dumping it over & ruining it.
Whiskey: Yes you can.
I like to mute CNN and imagine they’re arguing about what appetizer, or appetizers, to order at TGIFridays.
On this day eleven years ago, Greece won Euro 2004.
Today, Greece would be happy with 2004 Euros.
I still use the word “dude”.
I don’t give a dude.
I don’t use it right, but I still dude it.
I heard the iPhone 15 won’t have any ports or jacks or a screen and it will just be a smooth steel ball and finally we’ll all be happy.
therapist: these people who think you’re “funny” *takes off his glasses* are they in the room with us right now?
[Super soldier program]
SCIENTIST: We’ve given you an enhanced cybernetic arm.
ME: So I can take pies out of the oven without mitts.
SCIENTIST: More—more for killing people.
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME: But I can also—
SCIENTIST: Yes you can also use it for the pie thing.