The casting of the Little Mermaid is a joke. You need someone who can hold their breath for an hour and a half at least or the movie just isn’t believable.
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Welcome to parenthood, WHY ARE THE SCISSORS NOT IN THE GODDAMN DRAWER??
If you are single, book a table for two this Valentine’s. Keep checking your watch. Order your meal for one, tearfully. Result: Free drinks!
me: this could have been an email
cop: step out of the car sir
“HELP! Frankenstein’s attacking me!”
911: Frankenstein? Or Frankenstein’s *monster*?
“AAAH he ripped my arm off”
911: Which one did, sir
The twins brought in significantly less candy than I purchased. Running Halloween at a deficit is simply not acceptable.
Guys, if you buy your wife candy for your anniversary and she’s on a diet, she will hold that against you until the next anniversary. Don’t ask how I know this.
I’ve deleted all dating apps off my phone I’m over it 😭 I’m waiting for someone to meet me in the library while I am reaching for a book that’s too high and just as everything is about to fall on me they swoop in and shield me
My kid just told me I look so young from this angle. The angle being the back of my head.
Aquaman is part fish, if you want to kill him just overfeed him.
ME: I’d like to register my kid for school.
SCHOOL REGISTRAR: Sir, that’s a goat.
ME: *proudly* A BABY goat.
Feeling betrayed because my kid found my stash of Reese’s peanut butter cups that I originally took from his stash
Kim Davis says war has been declared on traditional marriage. Still unclear is which of her four marriages is under attack.
I believe there’s at least 1 killer tweet in each of us. I must have had 2 and they killed each other.
When I was a kid, we jumped fences, biked without helmets & drank out of public water fountains.
It was a dangerous time, full of microbes.
HYPNOTIST: YOU ARE FEELING SLEEPY
ME: kinda safe bet there
HYPNOTIST: YOU WILL DANCE LIKE AN OCTOPUS
ME: again, still no surprises.
I think I’m having a stroke
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
Don’t mess with me; I’ll throw a semicolon in just to discombobulate you.
Me: It’s sweet how my cat sits on my chest to comfort me when I’m sick in bed.
Cat: I think I’ll eat the eyes first.
When someone says they’ve been married for 20 beautiful years, I like to ask them “so how many years total?”
Had trouble sleeping today. They added a trumpeter to this morning’s church service.
if i can have dinner w anyone dead and alive, i’d pick kate middleton
If you don’t believe aliens walk amongst us, who else could write such unnatural dialogue in pharmaceutical commercials?
Colleague: want some popcorn? Keeps you young and beautiful like me
Me: Really? Looks to me you should’ve been eating a hell of a lot more
Dating is just wondering why someone is single and then slowly figuring it out
“I totally didn’t say that.” – God
You don’t realize how inappropriate your music is until you have a car full of other people’s children
I don’t want a Ghostbusters sequel about the grandchildren of the Ghostbusters. I want a Ghostbusters prequel about Slimer when he was alive.
I’ve been training my family to be future Survivor contestants. If you can find food in my house, you can make it anywhere.
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.