The casting of the Little Mermaid is a joke. You need someone who can hold their breath for an hour and a half at least or the movie just isn’t believable.
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I know blood in horror movies is just corn syrup, but it’s still terrifying because at this point, that’s basically all my blood is
What’s a Messi?
As I find myself in yet another room without remembering why, it’s apparent my wisdom teeth are doing nothing for me.
calf- calves
half – halves
self – selves
wolf – wolves
golf – golves
*after several minutes of searching, the genealogist looks up at me*
it seems that you come from a long line of people who have gotten tragically lost in corn mazes
*quits Twitter to spend time with family*
*remembers what family is like*
*quits family for Twitter*
Don’t you have anyone you can talk to? – me as a therapist
sweetie, something about you tonight is driving me wild
My daughter has so many outfit changes I shoulda named her Lady Gaga.
I thought PrintNightmare was when your boss caught you using the company photocopier to make your lost goldfish flyers.
optimus prime: did she just wink at me?
me: i think she’s turning left
FRIEND: you gotta go home and show your wife who’s boss
ME: damn right
[later]
ME: jen listen up *pulls out photo* this is my manager tim
“A Bunch of Stuff I Remembered and Then Compiled into a Narratively Cohesive Yet Inconsistently Compelling Tome: A Memoir”
Who wore it best? #Oscars2015
“Don’t tread on me.”
– out-of-order sign on a treadmill
Imagine being a Cicada you been waiting 17 years for your one chance to have sex then some weirdo freakazoid fries you in butter and serves you with a side of ranch.
I went to bed last night and my brother came out of the closet and scared the shit out of me, I forgot we were playing hide and seek…
I could never be a map maker. Not because I think it’s hard, I just don’t know how tf to spell meditarainian.
Masseuse (whispers in my ear): Hey baby, would you like a happy ending?
Me: [flashback to end of Infinity Wars] Yes, please
them: what are you think-
me: FOOD
Me watching my husband quietly close the dishwasher after taking just one clean dish out
Listen, I’m as surprised as you are that I have no murderous ex-lovers, but I was gifted (and/or cursed) with the ability to leave someone so tenderly they’re left thinking it was their idea, and wondering why they ever let me go.
If you can’t be with the one you love, stab the one you’re with.
Me: Do you like children?
Him: Yes, I love them.
Me: Good, because I become a huge child when I drink.
Jesus: this is my body *breaks bread*
Jesus: this is my blood *pours wine*
Jesus: this your brain on drugs *throws a rabid weasel into the crowd*
[plane]
“Is there a doctor on board?”
Im a doctor
“Okay quick the passenger is having a heart att-
Of fine arts
“What?”
Doctor of Fine Arts
Being stuck at home for the last 3 months and waiting for FedEx today makes me understand why dogs go nuts when the mailman shows up.
A lot of people don’t know this but if you’re turned into a vampire you don’t actually get a vampire name.
Some of you will just be Gary the Vampire
Sundries sounds like something grandma would call scandalous underwear
[Games store]
ME: Do you sell chess sets?
SALES ASSISTANT: I’ll check mate.