Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

In Starbucks a woman went sh*t house rat crazy when she got a double shot of espresso instead of the triple shot she ordered. I’m fine now.

I forgot who said it first but it is indeed crazy that Uhaul will rent you a 27 ft truck with no training whatsoever

Only marriage can turn an incorrectly folded towel into an act of war.

Me: Who is the most handsome man in the world?

Wife: Ewan McGreggor

Me: Thank you but you can only pick one

Me: Don’t you talk to me like you are paying me for what I do
Boss:
Boss: But I am paying you for what you do!
Me: What did I just say!!

The worst part about being a grown man is no one will give you piggyback rides.

I got kicked off Wikipedia for adding “obviously” to the end of every article.

Like a good neighbor

plow my driveway, not my wife

sometimes i sneeze so loud and hard i think i’m a dad

I hate when people ask me HOW I am doing as if I KNOW THE ANSWER?!

Homeschooling, day 8:

People do this willingly?

[house party]

ME: Hey, can I get you a glass of wine?…a beer?…vodka?

HER: Do you have anything nonalcoholic?

ME: Uh…do you mean like a joint?

I just read that if you eat a slice of bread first thing in the morning and one last thing at night, everything you eat in between makes it a sandwich

A bathroom scale that when you stand on it just says “Your body is but a point in space; your life, a differential of time.”

Most divorces could be avoided by buying 2 duvets.

So you brush your teeth with hair on a stick and brush your hair with teeth on a stick. Humans, you’ve made it.

911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?

Paula Hawkins: What should I call my book about a girl on a train?

Publicist: Let’s call the guy who named the movie ‘Snakes On A Plane’.

The 10 Most Defining Viral Twitter Posts of All Time

1.

I accidentally bump into a man.

He yells, “What’s your problem, lady?!”

I stare at him. I do not know which problem he is referring to. I have so many.

911: What’s your emergency?

I’m being held hostage by the Swedish mafia!

911: Are you being tortured?

They’re making me put together an IKEA Poäng chair

911: Just asking for a friend, but what color?

“Hey what should we call our multi-million dollar juice company?”

“Juicy Juice”

“What? Are you sure? Why don’t we-”

“Juicy. Juice.”

Kudos to NPH for keeping it brief. #Oscars

I can’t go to jail…

I have serious food allergies!

I found some pot in my son’s room. Has anyone noticed how odd the word s-p-a-t-u-l-a sounds when you keep saying it over and over?

Saw a bumper sticker today that said Choose Life. I can think of 10 other cereals I’d choose first.

I can’t blame you for laughing when I fell off the ladder into the pachysandra. I’d laugh too, but see there’s this ladder on top of me.

DOCTOR: congratulations, it’s a boy! *holds up baby tricycle*
BICYCLE DAD: what the hell?
BICYCLE MOM: *crying*

My friend got fired and his boss emailed him to ask about some stuff. He responded by offering a daily consulting rate of 4x his previous salary. LOL

You gotta love a man with a dog’s name and a dog with a man’s name.

“Hi, I’m Cody and this is my dog Steve.”