The cat acts like I’m interfering as she plays with a toy but that’s my phone charger!
You Might Also Like
*1st date*
[Be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
So where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
“Susan cancel my 2 o’clock”
Both hands stuck in Pringles cans again? Here let me help
“no no no I need to learn to do this on my own”
Can I take your order?
Yeah, lemme get a McRib and a large Coke.
Sir, this is Wallgreens
OK, make it a bottle of Xanax, and some Pringles
Pretty sure I know what my wife’s getting me for my birthday cause when I guessed, “A 3-way?” she got all angry like I ruined the surprise.
Me: please bbc just tell me who the new Doctor is I won’t ask for anything else ever please
BBC: *reveals new Doctor*
Me: Nice!!
…
…Me: please bbc just tell me who the new companion is I won’t ask for anything else ever plea-
[Getting phone call from the School]
Teacher: I’m afraid I have to inform you, your son was in a fight.
M: Did he win?
T: That’s not really relevant.
M: It is to the winner.
Can’t, holding a grudge
shout outs to the guy at work tonight playing pool with his friend who asked me to play “Everlong” by foo fighters so he could “power up”, followed by his friend very sweetly and very earnestly asking me not to play it because he would “power up”
ALIEN: You Earthlings have many technological advances. How do you predict the weather?
ME: We pull a rodent out of a box.
Me: *making toast at wedding*
Bride: hey those presents weren’t for you
“get your shit together” is my favorite weird expression of something no one would ever do, but everyone totally agrees is great advice.
Them: There’s more to you than meets the eye, isn’t there?
Me: Absolutely not.
You hit a couple of curbs, take out a trash can and all of a sudden it’s “you can’t drive”.
[restaurant]
ME: I’m meeting my blind date here.
HOSTESS: Do you have reservations?
ME: Yes, but my friend tells me she’s very nice.
Hear me out, a headband that displays your brain activity so I can see when you’re bored of this conversation
Angel: What up?
God: Creating 3 y/o’s
Angel: Is it broken?It keeps repeating itself & has no volume control
God: ya it’s gunna be hilarious
Getting older is cool because you can take a deep breath and it’ll crack your back
My 2020 gratitude journal is written entirely in profanity.
Koolaid kid: *walks through doorway* Hi dad
Koolaid man: Young man, if you’re living in this house you’ll crash through the wall like the good god Madison Avenue intended!
‘What just cracked?’
A guide to aging.
How do you stop babies crying when you drop them? And don’t say ‘garbage disposal’ because that’s jammed now.
(Showing off new car)
Father-in-law: Looks good, what engine has it got?
Me: *ultra confident* a grey & black one
My mother-in-law asks my wife to help colour her hair. I make a joke about assisted dyeing and they both stare at me. Tough crowd.
[first date]
me [im a goat]: u gonna eat that dress?
date [also a goat]: yes
My mom regularly mentions that I was a large baby
I turn 25 in two weeks
[Biblical Times]
God: oh shit
Angel: what?
God: I just realized I’ve been leaning on the frog button
7: there were 5 cupcakes when I left and now there are 3. Did you eat 2?!
Me: suddenly now you can do math
In other news, I found my car keys in the air fryer.
Dracula’s wife: You’ve got a little smudge on your chin.
Dracula: Vhere? Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a little to the left.
Dracula: Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a bit to the right. You know what? Just go look in the mi..
Dracula: LOOK INTO WHAT, MARTHA??
need someone to feed me Doritos while i read, so i don’t mess up the pages. no weirdos.