Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nasa: Perseverance rover, status report
Perseverance: THERE ARE OTHER DEAD ROVERS HERE
Nasa: now calm down-
Perseverance: THIS IS A PLANET OF DEATH

Maybe the raccoons threw away something very important. Did you ever think about that you big jerk.

“dress for the job you want”

There’s a job you want???

“Blood, Sugar, Sex, Magik” is a classic Red Hot Chili Peppers album, and also Criss Angel’s shopping list.

I hate it when I mentally undressing someone and my OCD kicks in and I start folding their clothes.

grandma: you kids are always on your silly phones

me: *looking at her on the floor with a broken hip* listen do you want me to call 911 or not

I would definitely deny being from here if the aliens pulled up and asked. Not claiming this embarrassing planet in front of intergalactic travellers, are you dumb?

When I’m mad at my kids I like to sing the wrong lyrics to the music as I rage clean just to piss them off. That way we can all be mad at each other.

Sephora employee: Congratulations! You have 100,000 points. You can choose 3 of the following.

Emperor: How are my elite troops doing on Endor?

Vader: They were all viciously murdered by teddy bears.

Emperor: That sounds plausible.

[space station]

me: *winks* let’s get astronaughty

her: seriously?

me: honestly, the only reason i became an astronaut was to say that

Got into the habit of meowing like a frustrated cat at every mild inconvenience at home. Did it at work today.

I hope this email finds you. And when it finds you it will make you pay.

After spending 20 minutes trying to get my girlfriends bra off, I decided to give up.

I wish I’d never put it on in the first place..

[Baby shower]

Mom-to-be, opening my gift: What’s this?
Me: A lock box.
MTB: For what?
Me: Your office supplies: tape, scissors, pens…
MTB:
Me: You’ll thank me in 5 years.

The jerk store called. *removes hat* I’m afraid there’s been an accident.

It’s really odd but it appears women want a boyfriend that lives thousands of miles away and is married.

I haven’t watered my plants in months and they’re thriving!
-my kid not realizing what moms do

Some guys look classy carrying a flask. I look like a degenerate alcoholic, I dunno, maybe it’s my trackpants. Who’s house is this?

[Bethsaida 28 AD]

BAKER: Such a huge crowd…I’m gonna sell so many loaves

“Five loaves please”

BAKER: Huh?

“Jesus is here”

BAKER: Sonuva

I just did a google search for “Gender reveal gone wrong” and great googly moogly.

More than one family in Florida has incorporated alligators into their gender reveal nonsense. MORE THAN ONE.

And a car in Australia exploded over the summer.

So cis people are super normal

I’m at the point in life where if a girl dresses up in a french maid outfit I’d be more happy if she actually just cleaned my house for me..

Me : Here, I made you a ‘Best Hits of 2017’ CD.

Wife : This is an unopened blank CD-R.

Me : Correct.

Just spent 45 minutes on the treadmill – tomorrow I think I’ll actually turn it on!

I’m being held hostage in the front room by the cat guarding a slow worm in the kitchen 😱

ME: i’m nervous
WIFE: don’t be. just be confident
[later]
BOSS: so do you think you’d be right for the job
ME: *confidently* no

“If we get the kids to help us it will go faster!”

– the dumbest thing I’ve ever said

When Adam and Eve ate the apple I remember thinking, “Well, that’s a sin, but at least it’s original.”

*arriving home as my house burns down*

Firefighter: I’m sorry ma’am. Your boyfriend didn’t make it.

Me: I know. It was built in the 80’s.

I’m sure a spider is never scrutinized for spending too much time on the web.