The cat hair really brings out the notes of fruit and cedar doesn’t it
– Me, if you’re drinking wine at my house
You Might Also Like
Seems like I can’t even sit on a park bench anymore without someone’s henchman sneaking by to swap briefcases
Pho tastes great for a food that sounds like it just gave up.
Always be kind to people, you never know who may own a boat.
if they ever legalise drugs, Nestle definitely need to make a KitKet
Me: let’s take those jeans!
Her: idk, that’s stealing
Me: *stuffing the jeans into my backpack* we’ll just walk out with them… no one will notice
Arby’s patron whose jeans I just pulled off: I’ve already noticed
“Pyromaniac” puts it strongly. I enjoy starting fires. It’s not my whole deal.
[sees wife getting changed after work] you should leave them high heels on
“ohhh yeah?”
[thinking about the spider on the bathroom ceiling] yeah
H: where did you move after your divorce?
Me: On.
I moved on.
It’s amazing how many errands I’m willing to run when family is in town. No, no you relax. I’ll go.
My son won a plastic horn at the fair so now our house is filled with obnoxious noise because my husband won’t put it down
It’s okay when Pac Man runs all over the place eating pills and claiming ghosts are after him but when I do it I’m “crazy.”
To its credit, only like 8% of doing the Macarena involves heiling Hitler.
Nothing says “I m not interested” quite as loudly as showing up for a date
[Spider-Man shows up at my house]
*I carefully scoop him up on a piece of paper and release him outside my door*
If I ever get trampled to death by a herd of cattle I want my obituary to say I was pasturized. Thanks.
In pretty sure my wife’s most prized possession is her plastic bag full of other plastic bags.
“You will be visited by three spirits. The first two will be a waste of your time but the third one, holy shit…”
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I’m serious. That Israeli how he does it.
Me: Do you ever feel like you’re an imposter?
Psychiatrist: Get out of my chair
Me: Interesting *writes ‘thinks he’s the psychiatrist’*
If it wasn’t for my mil gifting me tons of bath & body works lotion I wouldn’t be able to survive the zombie apocalypse
Zombie 1: smells like peach blossom wine party
Zombie 2: no brains here
BlackBerry’s are great phones to have if you’re time traveling to 2005 and don’t want people to know you’re from the future.
Saw a tweet about foods to help your sex life.
I need sex to help my sex life, not food.
When you’re craving a Krabby Patty so bad!!! But the Krusty Krab is closed….and also fictional.
Whoever is bringing me the 3 dozen donuts each morning, thank you. But could you just leave them on my desk and not in the break room?
Realtor: I’m sorry but you need to drop your asking price.
Aquaman: absolutely not, it’s oceanfront property.
Realtor: again it’s ocean bottom NOT oceanfront.
Aquaman: but-
Realtor: come on man, four people drowned at the open house.
Me: I’m late, I’m late for a very important date!
Date: 🙂
Fig: 🙁
Prune: bro, lol
If you’re looking for a good place to buy a Blackberry, I’d suggest 2006.
i could never be president. im overqualified.
Me: Would you still love me if I was a slice of cheese
Girlfriend: Yes probably more
ME: *making lightsaber noises*
COWORKER: *in next urinal* you’re getting pee on my shoes.