The cat hair really brings out the notes of fruit and cedar doesn’t it
– Me, if you’re drinking wine at my house
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“Couples don’t have enough things to disagree about.”
– Guy about to invent crunchy peanut butter.
If you’re out shopping today I’m a size Nordstrom gift card
I wrote a poem: Dinosaurs, they used to roar, but… No more. Still mad atchu, meteor.
There’s only two types of people in the world; people who think they can categorize everything, and people who are not morons.
When I play rock paper scissors I always pick Rock because Dwayne Johnson shows up and punches my opponent.
This Taco Bell rebranding sounds interesting
Cute guy: Is this seat taken?
Me: (ok, play it cool) No. *smiles*
Him: *takes chair away*
[Therapy]
Me: “What do you mean I might have ‘psychopathic tendencies’?”
Therapist: “Why don’t you turn off your chainsaw, so we can hear each other better?”
[girl’s night out]
WIFE: I’m off then
ME: Okay
WIFE: Don’t do anything obtuse
ME: Pfft – give me a break!
{5 min later}
ME *googling obtuse*
Aliens will always remain unidentified because they’re embarrassed to be associated with us humans.
What’s the difference between a sweater and a jacket.
You wear a jacket when you’re cold.
You wear a sweater when your mum is cold.
#SweaterDay #RubbishJokes
Today’s workout. 5 x 7 min intervals. 1 hour walk. Helped demolish my neighbour’s shed. I’ve never seen anyone so angry.
condom commercials should just be a live-feed of couples trying to enjoy a decent meal at a restaurant with their kids
Own two different pasta machines.
still make cup noodles with the Keurig.
Me: “Whose bra is that?”
Daughter: “Mine.”
Me: “Why is it on the kitchen windowsill?”
Daughter: “I took it off to eat.”
A guy in California is marrying his cat making me realize there was a much cheaper way to be ignored and occasionally scratched.
Don’t explain my jokes to me. I don’t want to know what I mean.
women will be like ‘i just want to be friends’ and then turn around and use a can opener to open some tuna. idk, I’ve never spoken to a woman, im just trying to post relatable content, am I close
watching shogun with subtitles off so i can feel like just as much of an outsider as the white guy
My wife said I need to grow up. I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
I eat something every 29 minutes just to ensure no one can ever make me go swimming.
Person: What are you doing?
Me: Looking at owl callers. It’s skunk mating season. I want to discourage them from my yard. Owls are their predators. I COULD use an owl call but it’s also OWL mating season. I could end up with A LOT of owls
P: You win weirdest problem of the day
My cat has taught me that an 80:20 ratio of sleep to physical activity is really the way to go
Imagine a squirrel making a nest at your window and being able to watch them sleep and grow 🥺
You don’t wash your hands. Technically they wash themselves.
her: sugar?
me: *flirting seductively* yes, honey?
her (a barista): please take your coffee and leave
An English version of Cookie Monster called Biscuit Gentlemen who always wants biscuits but also uses the word please, because we’re not savages.
I’ll be so mad if I get reincarnated as me
Whacked myself on the butt with a fly swatter just to feel something
A friend said she thinks she should buy her teen a chastity belt. I said try perming her bangs, that worked well for me when I was younger.