the cat has to wear the cone of shame and i woke up to her standing over me like a homicidal lamp and any way i’ll never be going back to sleep again
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*husband and I arguing*
Kids (in unison): “YAYYYYYY TWO CHRISTMASES!!!!!
i am against victim blaming except for when someone loses their sunglasses in the ocean
*Toddler walks up, kisses my knee, turns away*
“Aw! Aren’t you sweet?”
*Toddler kisses refrigerator, cabinet door and dishwasher*
“Oh.”
“Sheer Arrogance”
You know those women who write love letters to prisoners? Their vote counts just as much as yours.
EARTH: with your vast wealth you could stop poverty 90 times over
ELON MUSK: [daydreaming] I’m going to put ice cream trucks on the moon
All spots are cat’s spot. This was clearly established in the Supreme Court case of Fits v. Sits.
Me: That guy is a bad apple.
6-year-old: He’s a person.
Me: I just meant he’s mean.
6: Probably because you called him an apple.
*opens kitchen drawer*
Me: Whoa, what’s with all the whisks?
Sir-Mix-a-Lot: Why you judgin me?
I would be morbidly obese if food for thought was an actual thing.
The 4th little pig built his house into a windmill. The wolf huffed and puffed and generated enough power to last the whole winter.
Clitorusaurus: A dinosaur never discovered by man
I like big DUCKS & I cannot lie
All you other mallards can’t deny
That a big beaked freak with a-
Park Ranger: Sir, you’re scaring the kids
“Everybody freeze!”
-November
boss: you’re late
me: I broke down on the way here
boss: did they tow your car?
me: car?
“Never let someone else destroy your stuff when you can destroy it yourself”, every kid I know
Invited my girlfriend to a charity bbq where they’re roasting a whole pig and when she asked ‘what’s the charity’ I said it was for the pig’s family.
I’m not saying I killed it on the stock market today, but there’s a good chance I’m cutting up a hot dog into my Kraft Dinner tonight.
*Condom Co*
[ok, don’t let them know ur a frog]
“Any ideas how we can make our condoms more pleasurable for her?”
ME: Ribbit
“Genius”
Million dollar idea: a shirt made out of eyeglass cleaning cloth
[Who Wants To Be A Millionaire]
ME: I’d like to phone a friend.
HOST: (after 14 different attempts with no answer) The shows only an hour long.
Everytime a suburban white kid throws up a gang sign, an angel misses brunch.
Everyday is leg day when you’re running from your problems
My January credit card bill, aka the Ghost of Christmas Past.
Me : So I said to the police , “catch me if you can ”
Cellmate : “Them what happened “??
Wife: You’ll never guess what I got you for your birthday.
Me: A 3-way with your sister?
Wife: *storms out
Me: omg did I ruin the surprise?
“Drat!” Annie felt the unwelcome creep of human emotion intrude upon her sensible agenda.
Welcome to Psychic Abilities 101.
Today’s class was just rescheduled for tomorrow. If you’re here now, you failed.