the cat has to wear the cone of shame and i woke up to her standing over me like a homicidal lamp and any way i’ll never be going back to sleep again
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When they did special effects on Murder on the Orient Express, that was Poirotechnics
Yeah, it was hard talking the little lady into it; but I showed her the top child psychologists agree that competition is healthy amongst siblings. So that’s Gargamel, our 7 year old, and our 3 year old baby girl here is named Papa Smurf.
(during sex)
Her: Make me scream
Me: *let’s loose tarantula on her chest*
Rudolph with your nose so bright/help me find my phone tonight
Me, about to be kicked out of a convention for the American Society of Egyptologists
“As we all know, the pyramids were built by the Pharaoh convincing two people to begin work, and those two people in turn convincing two people each. Then those four people each convinced
I’m won’t try to steal your man but I might try to steal your sandwich
Me: My first wife loved this movie.
Wife: I AM your first wife!
Me: And you love this movie, DON’T YOU?!?
Give me the nuclear codes. No one would expect me to have them
I’m never gonna tell the person I’m meeting up with that you said hi.
Them: You have a choice-
Me: I’ll take the bad choice, please.
CLOSE THE DOOR, YOU’RE LETTING ALL THE WIFI OUT
I think I know the stress of a guy disarming a ticking time bomb after my wife watched me while I unloaded the dishwasher.
Wanting to take a nap but the upstairs neighbours are doing the stampede scene from jumanji.
them: talk is cheap
me: two talks please
Me: [has trouble opening up to people and making real, lasting connections my entire life]
My Kid: [makes 3 new friends and joins a gang on his first day of 4th grade]
Changing your mind can be a sign of strength. Like when I swear to tell the truth but then a prosecutor asks me a question & I decide not to
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
It’s time for people to stop being hateful about fat bodies and start being hateful about fat vehicles. I hate SUVs. They look like full diapers squishing down the road, constantly spilling into other lanes. Why do so many people need to drive around in a studio apartment?
Back to work after the long holiday weekend, so you’re finally away from the relatives you don’t like, and back with the co-workers you don’t like
Him: What’re you eating?
Me: All of it.
I always leave my vehicles gas on empty because I want thiefs to be as pissed off as my wife
Got thrown out of another poetry reading for shouting “oooh naughty” every time someone used a metaphor for sex
today i learned that up to half of the worker ants in a colony are only pretending to work. just looking busy so they don’t get tasked with anything. i respect ants so much more
If my landlord would just take cat hair instead of money, I could pay for the whole year upfront.
If 2 or more nachos are stuck together they count as one. Unfortunately the same rule does not apply to dishwasher pods. I know this now
Me: I think I saw a murder.
Policeman: Are you positive?
Me: I assume people act with the best intentions and I believe a better future is ours to make.
Policeman: About the murder.
Me: Not really. No.
sometimes i wish a great-grandpa or old uncle had left me a pocket watch i could take out & wistfully rub during these “trying times”
Spend a few hours without your phone and you’ll realise what the important thing in your life is.
It’s your phone.