‘The cat is up on your counters again.’
~The monster under my bed.
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Him: I like a girl who’s a good host
Me: *trying to impress him* I’ve had a tapeworm in my intestine for YEARS
The waitress brought me pulled pork sliders instead of beef sliders so I showed her who was boss
By quietly finishing my meal and tipping 30%
My 6yo: There’s no school on Friday because it’s a teacher planning day. What does that mean?
Me: [mumbling] They plan on screwing up my Friday, that’s what.
Professor X gets a lot of credit as a progressive considering his solution to a race conflict was “give them their own school.”
Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.
Never doubt a Woman with an extensive vocabulary.
Zen master: Why are you still tweeting? The validation isn’t real.
Me: Neither are you.
Zen master: Oh bugger.
I write vampire jokes but they never see the light of day.
there’s gotta be a better word for you people than cinephile
Looking forward to getting my eyes checked. It’s the only doctor who doesn’t weigh me.
[almost at the moon]
Buzz: *explosive diarrhea* DID YOU PUT SOMETHING IN THE TANG, ARMSTRONG?
Neil: *steals speech out of his pocket* nope
me: babe come quick
wife: what?
me: just hurry
wife: no, it’s always something dumb
me: not this time
*wife walks into living room*
me: i put the dog in a suit
wife: i want a divorce
me: k but my lawyer’s a ruff negotiator
friend: you’re pregnant! do you know what you’re having?
wife: we think it’s-
me: snakes. we think it’s snakes
Horrifying if literal: Robert Burns
Pitching “Oppenheimer’s Dream House.”
[after drug rehab]
Jon Arbuckle: Hey Garfield
Garfield: *normal cat noises*
Crude oil is the worst kind of oil because it says offensive things while it pollutes the water and ruins our planet.
People may question my parenting methods, but my kids have made it to 20 and 22 without becoming serial killers. Or, if they have, they’re super good at it. Either way.
Horse girls and cat ladies get all the attention but what about crow women
[Victora’s Secret]
Wife: You’re the most supportive person I know.
*A person made of bras walks by*
Me: Um what about that guy?
Buying houses is mental
Buy a car or a bag of chips, the price is defined
Buy a house, you have to guess how much the owner wants
Not allowed to speak to the owner
Instead you have to go via a 19 year old, in a Mini, who doesn’t live there and wants you to pay over the odds
My 10 year-old nephew is learning about Argentina, so I told him about all the great wines they make down there, and this, my friends, is how you get out of after-school pickups.
I keep my enemies closer because you can only throw a rock so far.
Bong hits bring all the cheetos to my jaw, and it’s like, nom nom nom nom.
Did you know that the sound of fallen leaves scattering across the pavement in the wind sounds just like someone running up behind you in the dark?
Did you also know that I can run 83 mph?
[ First day as a bartender ]
Me: *unzips customers pants*
Him: wtf!?
Me: you said make it stiff
[Staring deep into David Schwimmer’s eyes]
“I’m afraid I only like you as a Friend”
My card got declined at the barbershop so they put all the hair in my mouth and squeezed me until it came out of my head
Me: have a good day make good choices!
My kid: no promises!
DATE: what’s with the tattoo?
ME: that’s Alcatraz
DATE: “prison tats” are not normally of the actual prison building