Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“please don’t give me the ball, please don’t give me the ball”

-memories of playing high school sports

is there anything more psychotic than the self-imposed deadline. why am i bullying myself then in turn standing up to my bully (who is me) by not doing the work i know i want to get done but i refuse to be bullied (by me) so i will purposefully miss the deadline (that is fake)

just had the most telling freudian slip of my life when someone called in asking for the boss and I replied “sorry he’s not in right now, is there anyone else that can hurt you?” jfc

“I’m not really a big dog person.” – lying werewolf

so a US company has to buy tiktok or the app will be banned??? Well folks, looks like we need to put on the best talent show this town has ever seen.

In the mornings lately I find evidence of carrots or celery in my daughter’s bed from her late night snacking and I’ve never been more concerned that she might not be mine

Don’t move, I know what I’m doing.

*takes a nap

If you carry a knife in your mouth, people wont ask you what your Valentines Day plans are.

Nothing says ‘I love you’ like an echo chamber

Forgive me father for I have sinned, it’s been 25 yrs since my last confession, I sure hope you’re seated comfortably.

If you know where to buy good cheese, money can absolutely buy happiness and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.

[speed dating]
*girl sits down*
“hi im melan-
QUICK A ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE HAPPENS WHAT WEAPON DO YOU USE
“wha-
CORRECT ANSWER WAS KATANA. NEXT

I ruined so many good songs for myself by making them my alarm clock sound

If she thinks Simon and Garfunkel are the names of your lawyers, she may be too young for you bro.

If you see a guy faceplant into an automatic door, come up and say hi

{playing Hide & Go Seek}

Me:*hides in pantry
Kids: ready or not here we come!
Me: *quietly opens bag of Cheetos
Kids: He’s eating again!

soft pretzels only come 2 ways:

– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm

Whoever put the ‘b’ in subtle was a clever bastard.

One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.

not to brag, but mine was free

Just walked up to a white van in the parking lot and it literally sped away.

*Blindfolds myself
*Rage eats candy

them: the new Batman film will be totally raw and gritty

me:

[after having one kid then having twins]
wife: we should have sex

fibonacci: absolutely not

I made a bacon sandwich this morning then managed to drop it on my white t-shirt. Luckily nobody was using the washing machine. That’s where I keep my emergency bacon.

Take it from me; I have reverse kleptomania.

God: Hmm now where did I leave that fish? It couldn’t possibly have grown legs and walked away

Darwin: lol ur not gonna believe this

My favorite deleted scene from Lord of the Rings is when Bilbo & Frodo discover they have a long lost hipster cousin called Douche Baggins.

Dear ppl in rl, yes, you’re right. Social media is nothing like socializing in rl, but let’s see you try muting someone by a single click.

So, apparently, flashing the neighbors at their backyard barbecue doesn’t make it a “gender reveal” party.