the cat just jumped in through the window, saunted right through the living room and STOOD ON MY BANANA SANDWICH FOR FIVE SECONDS WITH HIS DIRTY FEET WHILE SCREAMING AT ME FOR BEING LATE WITH HIS LUNCH FOR GODS SAKE
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*getting hit on by someone else’s boyfriend* aw he must smell my boyfriend.
How about the No Bucket Challenge? Basically you just give a charity some money and don’t tell anyone about it.
No one running the NFL Insta account saw a problem here
They went back to his place after what could only be described as the perfect first date.
“So, what are you really looking for?” he asked her.
“Honestly,” she laughed. “A guy that can load a dishwasher correctly.”
“Go ahead, open it.” he replied, a grin forming on his face.
I’m sorry I need to take a break from investigating this brutal murder to have a glass of red wine in my sexy, silky, expensive matching lingerie set that I wear every day under my police uniform because I’m a lady detective, and that is what ladies do.
I wanted to have sex with Uma Thurman until I saw her toes in Kill Bill.
Life Lessons From Cats:
• take more naps
• rules were meant to be broken
• it’s okay to hide when you’re scared
• always demand respect
• if you have an itch, scratch it
• find joy in the simple things
• you can bury your shit but eventually someone’s gonna find it
“Where do babies comes from?”
Well, son, when a man and a woman love each other very much they make poor decisions.
Friend: How long till school starts?
Me: 8 days, 13 hours, 26 mins, 14 secs.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, except for bears, bears will kill you.
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about how when you fall in love, it’s best to just kill yourself.
I cooked a new recipe for dinner and my 6yo ate it. If you need me, I’ll be out buying a lotto ticket because today is clearly my lucky day!
All I’m saying is if getting weighed naked at the doctor’s office wasn’t discouraged, people’s weight at home and at the doctor’s office would be much closer.
Star Wars (1977, PG) a group of terrorists enlist the aid of a drug smuggler and a religious fanatic to bomb the seat of governmental power.
Torturer: you shock him this time
Me: more people have been on the moon than won Takeshi’s Castle
Torturer: no not— wait really
Me: I’m sick. Do we have any ginger ale?
Wife: No, just ginger beer.
Me: Does it work the same?
Wife: I don’t know.[9 Moscow Mules later]
Me [on front lawn, naked except for a cowboy hat]: IT WERKS BETTAH
“His house was clearly on fire but he thought he had time to hit the snooze button just once.”
-an obituary
Girls have Galentine’s day but I just gave my buddy a 12 pack of beer and called it a dozen broses.
Hey, parents of an only child considering having one more, know that I just split an M&M in half.
An M&M.
In half.
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
[God creating pufferfish]
How about a terrifying balloon
5-year-old: Why do you do chores if you don’t like to?
Me: The same reason you eat your vegetables.
5: Because Mom is scary?
Bingo.
ME: Thank you for your service.
VETERINARIAN: Again, I’m not that kind of vet.
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME: Thank you for your purrvice.
Ladies, when a man you meet online says he’s 6 ft, demand a pic of him leaving a convenience store.
Anyone know the difference between the Supreme and the Deluxe? This whore house menu is confusing
WIFE: How could you spend our money on this?
ME: *Dressing ducklings in tiny raincoats* They live outside, Karen. They need this.
Cosmetology school was a real letdown. Anyone wanna buy a spacesuit?
Them: Holy shit. How high are you?
Me: *6 minutes later* No, you are.
(First date with a Chinese girl)
Her: So, are you a dog or a cat person?
Me: I’m just gonna have a tandoori chicken…
Tried to text “playa” but it changed it to “player”
I must have the white iPhone.