the cat just jumped in through the window, saunted right through the living room and STOOD ON MY BANANA SANDWICH FOR FIVE SECONDS WITH HIS DIRTY FEET WHILE SCREAMING AT ME FOR BEING LATE WITH HIS LUNCH FOR GODS SAKE
You Might Also Like
me: raises hell
Hell: put me back down!
Coworker: Did you know a blue whale’s arteries are big enough for a person to swim through?
Me: DID YOU KNOW THE KUERIG DOESN’T JUST MAGICALLY REFILL ITSELF, DAN?
Why I divorced her.
When my son was 3 he had a Guinea pig named rufus. One day he left the cage open & rufus disappeared. I bought a replacement rufus, never told my son & things were going fine until the original rufus showed up and I had to pretend he was rufus’s cousin, roger from philly.
You can’t take away snow days and make them remote learning days. Snow days aren’t about learning. If god wanted the children to learn, he wouldn’t have made it snow.
[eulogy]
line?
got my mind on my money and my money
is nowhere to be found.
Ski instructor: this is a dangerous sport. One mistake could lead to a broken leg
Horse: I want to go home
I can’t wait for thanksgiving. It’s an election year so that means there will be at least 4 fist fights and someone’s getting disowned.
Baker: Is there a problem?
Cannibal, returning a mincemeat pie: You’re damn right there’s a problem!
if elon musk married bill gates he would be elongates
really makes you think 🤔
I’ve made friends on Twitter I never would’ve met in real life, and I wouldn’t trade them for anything less than $200.
Friend: What do you like most about Adele?
Me: Have you seen her work/life balance? She works for 6 months then disappears for 5 years.
[on the couch having tea]
Me: this is nice.
Anxiety: SUSPICIOUSLY NICE.
i absolutely refuse to drink any tap water till it’s gone though my brita filter that i haven’t changed in 5 years
Chess with Australians must get so confusing.
“Check, mate.”
“Naw mate, that’s just a check.”
“That’s what I said. Check, mate”
Apparently, if you put a possum in the mailbox, you’ll get a new mailman…
[rose from the movie titanic a couple years later sitting on crowded bus]
excuse me, can you slide over so I ca-
“NO, there’s no room”
Billion dollar idea: Tea bags that are actually wine bags. Slogan: You already act like you’re God, now turn water into wine like Jesus!
I want to be featured on the news and the caption below me to read *unintelligible screaming*.
Her: I’m leaving…
Me: Good. Go. I never loved you in the first place.
Her:…for the store.
Me: Oh…..Pick me up some Funyuns?
As a dad, you’re required to ask your neighbor “You gonna do mine next?” when you see them raking leaves.
Every time we go out as a family, my wife spends half the time yelling “What did we talk about before we left home?” She even says it to the kids.
It’s like my nana once said….
You know you can block people on Twitter who confuse crochet with knitting, right?
I’m just a boy… Standing in front of a girl…
Her: “Move.”
The one upside to triplets is that you finally have enough babies to juggle
If I don’t see two minivans lock reindeer antlers over a Target parking space tonight, what are the holidays even about?
Would love to see a reality show where they promise the prize will “change contestants lives FOREVER”…and it’s a brain swap with a cow.
Me: I miss the good old days
Wife: when we were young, alive, still full of hope?
M: no, when I had to use an ampersand to make a tweet fit
W: I despise you
Parenting is much harder nowadays. For example, you have to be able to push a kid on a swing and tweet at the same time.