the cat just jumped in through the window, saunted right through the living room and STOOD ON MY BANANA SANDWICH FOR FIVE SECONDS WITH HIS DIRTY FEET WHILE SCREAMING AT ME FOR BEING LATE WITH HIS LUNCH FOR GODS SAKE
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Never skip the footnotes – it’s here you find out who made the author angry enough to write the article.
there are five seasons: reese’s pumpkin season, reese’s christmas tree season, reese’s heart season, reese’s egg season, and the long loneliness
it’s always “wyd” and never “i spent $1,000 on harry styles pit tickets for you”
Men: “once you get married you never get any sex”.
[wife walks around the house completely naked]
Every man: *continues to be completely hypnotized by whatever sports game is on*
Not sure why I am thinking tonight about our elderly neighbor when I was 7, who had giant bountiful pear trees on his property. One day he stopped by unexpectedly with a bushel of pears, and after my mom, surprised and delighted, had thanked him, he handed her a bill for them.
Want to be successful? Just go buy a home. 6 years ago. With your parents money. It’s not that complicated.
my tamagotchi skills didn’t translate into parenting skills as seamlessly as i had hoped
CURRENT MOOD: righteously angry, but there’s a cat on my lap
Humidity is great because then people think it’s not my fault that my hair looks like this.
Sorry I’m late, I was down at the police station filing assault charges against the mammogram machine
My son came home and told me a classmate spoiled a huge part of Harry Potter for him, so now I have to meet a 2nd grader behind the bleachers at 3pm with my nunchucks.
no matter how shitty your morning is at your office job today at least you didn’t underwrite the insurance policy for a cargo ship that took out an $800 million bridge
my 9yo: does your friend Scott know that he could just spell his name with one t and it would sound exactly the same?
me as a teen: chapstick is stupid
me in my late 30’s: who the hell touched my recliner chapstick?!
*throws nickel at grandpa*
I need more magic ear money.
Incase you didn’t hear the look I just gave you,
Shut up.
GENIE: and for your first wish?
ME: I wish that the end of every bag of chips was the start of another
GENIE: holy shit!
ATTORNEY: my client would like to confess
ME: i sell human organs on the black market
JUDGE [who needs a kidney transplant]: tell me more
[sees a dog about to get run over]
Me [dives toward dog & rolls to safety]: that was close
[sees a cat about to get run over]
Me: car coming
MICK JAGGER:♪Brown sugar…how come ya taste so good♪
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Sucrose ingestion causes a surge in the brain’s dopamine receptors
I’m surprised carving faces into vegetables after pulling out their innards isn’t incorporated into more American Holidays.
[standoff]
NEGOTIATOR: hey chief the gunman says he has all the poetry you wrote in high school
POLICE CHIEF: tell the snipers to stand down
My cat just dragged in a half eaten sausage, I have no idea where he got it from but it tastes expensive.
🎵 Like a good neighbor, stay over there!! 🎶
If your new boyfriend carved your initials into a tree on your first date, let the fact he brought a knife be a sign of things to come.
“Daddy, why is it dark at night?”
It gives the ghosts and zombies a time to run around and collect little kids. Goodnight, hunny.
Bee: *vomits* oh man, I don’t feel so good *vomits again*
Beekeeper: *reaches into beehive* sweet
Bee: oh hey Jerry, bad time I don’t feel gre- OH GOOD LORD WTF ARE YOU DOING?
Dating tip: If you show a guy naked photos on your phone, 98% won’t notice if you steal their drink.
Pro: I will make you a gourmet meal.
Con: I will pronounce the t in gourmet.
Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.
Teach a man to fish, and you’ll have the weekends to yourself.