The cat just yelled at the Roomba for making him get up and, as the father of two young kids, I’ve never felt closer to that feline.
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After our fifth kid, I had a vasectomy but it didn’t work. I’m still a father.
Judging by this sunburn, I’d say the sunscreen I lathered on earlier was SPF goddamn liar.
Having a panic attack thinking about how there’s somebody in Australia standing directly under me
Sperm 1: I think I’ve got a shot at a Nobel Peace Prize.
Sperm 2: Not me, I’m looking for a cure for Cancer.
Sperm 3 through 18.2 Mil: We’ve heard good things about the Xbox.
Me: *smug* I think you’ll find there’s a big difference between hearing, and listening
Her: that is literally what I just said
Kylo Ren: I can’t read your mind! How are you resisting me?!
Rey: Occlumency lessons from Professor Snape.
You two just need to get out more.
– Me, giving Abe Lincoln relationship advice
*buries Oreos throughout the house in preparation for the long, hard winter ahead.
My mom always said, ‘If you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all.’ Funeral was pretty quiet
Kid at my door: Trick or treat
Me: (holding warm gravy boat) just on the candy corn or all over?
Hard as they try, cats are absolutely not helpful when making beds.
me, flirting: did it hurt?
her: what
me: when you fell from the ugly tree and landed on your face
The first person to milk a cow was playing a savage game of Truth or Dare
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Mars has 2 moons. Venus has no moons. Do you see where I’m getting at? Men, GIVE BACK OUR MOON!
KIDS: trick or treat
ME: hang on guys I’m still setting up the sushi bar. Who likes eel?
BOSS: this is our mortician, david
ME: *goes up for a high five* more like caDAVEer, amirite
DAVID:
ME: just gonna stiff me, huh?
DAVID:
ME: ᵒᶠ ᶜᵒʳᵖˢᵉ ʸᵒᵘ ᵃʳᵉ
On bad days I like to take a pregnancy test to remind myself that things could be much worse.
My town had a really bad storm 2 days ago& my neighbor lost the roof of his house& the poor guy doesn’t have insurance. I’ve decided to start a gofundme to raise $ so I can go to Hawaii for a few weeks cuz he’s about to start doing construction& I hate being around all that noise
I think that as a reward for losing 200 lbs you should be able to use all of that loose skin to become a human version of a flying squirrel.
INTERVIEWER: Any questions for me?
ME: How do I access the WIFI?
INTERVIEWER: I meant about the job
ME: Is that all capital?
[first date]
*pointing indiscriminately* “uh-oh looks like we’re on the Kiss Cam”
there’s no-
*leans in*
there’s no Kiss Cam at Applebees
I don’t need therapy. I just barked at a pedestrian crossing the street. I’m the happiest I’ve ever been in my life
MOM: What did you learn at summer camp?
KID: We built a generator out of sticks and mud
MOM: A generator? For what?
KID: To charge our iPods
You can usually win any arm wrestling contest by simultaneously leaning in for a kiss.
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Mom: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Mom
Mom: Not asking for an artist to help, are they?
Everyone on the plane: Wait, you’re an artist?
Everyone on the plane, including dying guy: Can you draw me?
to the people playing drinking games rn.. are u dead
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH:
Here we see the weakest of the herd in its natural habitat.
[camera pans to me laying in bed eating cake]
*eats a crab apple*
*watches all crabs with medical degrees scatter*
My therapist thinks meeting women on twitter for sex is a bad idea. His wife disagrees.