The cat knocked over my coffee in the home office this morning and I’ve reported her to HR. In other news, HR has hired my cat.
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Maybe if Red Bull gave me buffalo wings i’d give a shit.
Me: *pulls in driveway after not finding what I needed at Target*
[text from wife]: I’m in the checkout line, where r u?
Me: *backs out of driveway*
At the pub, it’s my job to inform people of the roots of words. I’m the designated deriver.
which bird do you think most deserves to be punched in the face and why is it a goose
If McDonald’s and Burger King get into a turf war, is that a ground beef?
23. RT @Highlights: Parents, at what age do you think it’s okay for a child to get his or her own cell phone?
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
Lou Read is the name of my favourite musician and also the book I keep in the toilet
I put my pants on like everyone else.
with hope they still fit.
Breaking news:
Bisexuals are lucky. To the rest of us, life is a restaurant where you’re allergic to half the items on the menu.
Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years I spent without a child, of course.
San Francisco has too many rules
“dance like no one is watching, walk like someone is behind you trying to get around you.” – ancient nyc proverb
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot…I then went inside and spent $447. Well played, IKEA.
Our friends have canceled our dinner plans 3 nights in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like dinner.
Me: I haven’t spoken to my mom in years. I do love her though.
Therapist: She isn’t going to live forever. You should call and tell her.
Me: You’re right…*dials number*
Mom, you’re going to die *hangs up*
The only time I’ll care about Basketball:
If you’re not careful with those, you’ll shoot your eye out.
*points to Spanx*
I want to open a pizza shop called “Cheesus Crust!” Our slogan will be: “Heavenly ingredients, served hot as Hell.” -or- “Crust has risen.”
Me: my boyfriend said that he doesn’t love me anymore
Boyfriend: that’s not what I said! I said that I have to work and I can’t give you attention 24/7
Me: same thing
boss: what are u doing
me: *pretends to read email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read email”
Dipping your cats in blue paint and watching them chase each other is 1000x more entertaining than Avatar.
Check in desk: We’ve oversold the flight so I’m going to put you in business class.
Me: Great.
*later*
Professor: The first rule of business is- you’re late. Please sit down.
Me: I think there has been a mistake.
Professor: I said sit down.
Barista: Name?
Me: Lotta Sexhaver *wink*
*Time passes*
Barista: Got a latte for Virgin McLiar
my uncle was kicked out of the army for eating too many spider webs
How many times should you punch the job interviewer to show how tough you are because so far they’re not happy with just the one
ME: Okay, what exactly do you think bulls look like?
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE CONSTELLATIONS: 1 straight line and 2 bendy ones. That’s bulls.
Obama: Didn’t think he’d be late
Biden: I gave him the wrong address
Obama: Joe he’s the president-elect
Biden: idgaf what they call him
My plane has an entire high school wrestling team on it, so I imagine we’ll crash in a forest & I’ll become their King.