The cat knocked over my coffee in the home office this morning and I’ve reported her to HR. In other news, HR has hired my cat.
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Felt sad that rabbits ate all my marigolds.
Then felt glad that I don’t have to water them anymore.
Suburban life is a roller coaster.
Satan: Omg im such a big fan of your work!
My toddler: Thank you! Did you bring me plain milk? I asked for spaghetti milk.
Good morning all 👋 have a good one 🙏👌
I thought it would be so cool to have twins before I actually had kids
Having an indoor/outdoor female cat that isn’t spayed is like having a free refill for kittens.
ABC family: Halloween Harry Potter marathon
Me: love it
ABC: Christmas Harry Potter marathon
Me: I guess there are some Christmas scenes
ABC: Thanksgiving Harry Potter marathon
Me: that’s an amer-
ABC: national girlfriend day Harry Potter marathon
Me: goddammit
I WOULD LIKE TO SPEAK TO THE EARTH’S MANAGER
3yo: Let’s have a discussion.
Me: OK, about what?
3yo: About why your hair looks like a rat slept in it. If I have to brush my hair, you do too.
If you’re getting dirty looks because your baby is crying loudly on a plane, start crying even louder and everyone will avoid eye contact
Hey I bet you guys can’t guess what the Titanic’s least favorite kind of lettuce is
THE TIREDNESS ON THE COUCH NEVER TRANSLATES TO THE BED AND I DEMAND TO KNOW WHY
The year 2932, lines for the new iPhone are so long, many die before reaching the end. Those who do, get back in line for the next phone.
For sale: baby shoes. Never worn. Nothing sinister! Wrong size. Should’ve measured. First baby. Very excited!!
So tired this morning that I think I tried to make a call with a Pop-Tart.
April is Stress Awareness Month, as if I’m not aware of my stress the other eleven months out of the year.
My sister thinks I should come see her new baby, but where was she when I got my new goldfish? Nice try sis.
Normal people flirting: Hey you’re cute we should go out sometime
Me flirting: So do you like bread
Hey people who don’t understand sarcasm, what’s it like being so awesome?
Apparently when you donate blood, it has to be YOUR blood.
Hate to brag, but a cute fireman gave me his number today. It’s only 3 digits & he said it’s only for emergencies, but I know what he meant
A Freudian sitcom would be How I Meant Your Mother
Fact: If you bind together the receipts of things you buy in an airport, it makes a tiny book that tells the tragic story of how you have no money anymore.
[first day as a hairdresser]
customer: can you take off a foot?
me: *sharpening axe* no problem
I just heard someone refer to Texas as “Howdy Arabia” and I still haven’t stopped laughing.
Me: *opening can of worms
Husband: Where the hell did that come from?
Me: I can’t resist a sale.
I’m more comfortable hearing my five-year-old repeat swear words in public than I am hearing him say “uh-oh!” from another room.
You learn something every day
Not to brag, but a mechanic at this garage says I may have set a record for miles driven without an oil change.
As spooky season approaches, my very interested toddler has been asking “WHAT HIM NAME?” when we see a skeleton or other ghoulish figure on someone’s lawn, and since “I don’t know” is unacceptable to people who are almost 3, I have been spitballing names of people I don’t like.
Having Justin Bieber sing at your funeral so your death will be the second worst thing happening to your friends that day.