The cat puked all over the bath mat so I just tossed it into the trash can. Then I put the bath mat in the washer.
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“I bring you news from the front, m’lord. Food bowls are empty, litter boxes are full, and the natives are getting restless.”
son: daddy, there’s a skeleton in my closet
me: don’t be ridiculous–it won’t be a skeleton for months
Me <in a meeting, whispers>: I don’t really like Gary.
Gary: I’m Gary.
Me: I know.
“Ham with pineapple is delicious, so why not on pizza?” The executioner throws the torch on the pyre, without strangling me first.
Murderman V. Another Murderman: Dawn of Murdering
#BatmanvSuperman
I don’t drink coffee all the time.
I take breaks in between to make another one
Our toilet seat lid broke. My husband is shopping Amazon for a new seat. “We can save 11% by getting a used one!”
I’m tired of writing “Sent from my iPhone” at the end of all me e-mails, maybe I should just get an iPhone
Our son, who lives in Brisbane, fully 10,000 miles out of earshot, has just sent our daughter, who lives under our roof, some bagpipes.
A National Treasure where Nicholas Cage has to find the model number on a 15 year old dishwasher.
When I’d go to church as a kid I’d always wonder why there were so many seats reserved for Usher
my immune system told me it’s a lover not a fighter
I need to find just the perfect men’s swimsuit and then only ever wear it twice annually
I don’t understand why everyone is so passionate about sports; it’s all just bullsh – HEY! YOU! NO! DARTH VADER DOES NOT HAVE A GREEN SABER!
One business idea I have is tell people you’re giving them plastic surgery but instead of giving them plastic surgery just let them sleep for 9 hours and then call it “subtle”
I have laryngitis, and my kids have never been happier.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
me: yes
Netflix: is that a book in your hands?
me: *gulp* no
“Every girl’s crazy ‘bout a sharp-dressed man” he hummed to himself while ironing his sleeveless tuxedo T-shirt.
Everything is a big deal to kids, like the time a giant bird took my dad from the beach and dropped him way out in the water.
As a white man, it’s hard to deal with the fact that I have a far greater chance of becoming a serial killer than I do of becoming a rapper.
Every morning I have to check my shoes for scorpions. We don’t have scorpions in Illinois people just hate me.
*Inspirational Tweets*
*Moves manger so the baby Jesus can watch Die Hard*
So excited! I’m taking an online grammar class. No more typos for me.
Nolege is power biches!
Spanish is easily the sexiest language. Everyone should want to learn it. You can say you need to take a shit in Spanish and it sounds sexy.
Some say cheetahs are the fastest animal at 60 mph. Not true. Dogs have been clocked at 18,000 mph when the Soviets launched one into space.
Facebook is terrific way to connect with classmates who haven’t aged as well as you.
It’s never a good sign when you tell your child goodnight and they respond “see you later”
I was a pacifist until the goddamn rabbits ate my lilies