The cat puked all over the bath mat so I just tossed it into the trash can. Then I put the bath mat in the washer.
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Yeah, I’m basically a Pokemaster.
*waves vaguely at shelves of confused squirrels in partially sealed Tupperware containers*
*robbers burst into bank*
EVERYONE PUT YOUR HANDS UPDOG
*bank manager frowns*
What’s updog?
WE’RE ROBBING THIS BANK WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
See ya later, alligator.
After a while, crocodile.
Catch ya mañana, little iguana.
MRI machines don’t have to be that loud. They just don’t want you to hear the radiology tech gasp.
ME: so what do you do
GUY: I’m an oral surgeon
ME: *imagining him doing heart surgery with just his mouth* wow I bet you’re a helluva kisser
Me: I never use essential oils
Car mechanic: that’s why it’s on fire
Me: it’s not you, I just don’t like talking on the phone, I’m super awkward oh god, u think I’m weird for saying that don’t u
911 operator: ma’am is he still stabbing u
someone once broke up with me because they “had a big crush on this random person at a party” and it made them realize they weren’t that attracted to me. I moved on and got married and years later found out that I married THE RANDOM PERSON AT THE PARTY!!!!! Lol suck it
In 2009, Nigerian police arrested a goat on suspicion of attempted armed robbery.
Him: I’m sorry, can we start over?
Me: great idea! You introduce yourself, and this time I’ll keep walking.
My girlfriend wanted to swap positions in bed. So I told her I have a headache and went to sleep.
The Constitution has barely been altered in 200 years, but my $300 textbook is worth $0.82 bc they came out with a new edition mid-semester.
There’s a couple that met at my wedding 2 years ago, I just found out they got married yesterday & I wasn’t invited…. Ungrateful people
I’ve had 3 Red Bulls today and now I can taste my heartbeat.
yall can name 10 kardashians but you can’t name 10 jesuses
For the baby who has everything
Dude at Starbucks just left the crowded store and went “Bye everyone,” and every single person in that store said goodbye I literally just met the main character
Once I meet a hot chick I automatically give her money. So if she says I’m stalking her I can tell the cops she’s a hooker.
Hit me with your best shot came on the radio and my son sang hit me with your pet shark and damnit that’s the name of the song now.
*Does one sit-up. Whispers to self.
“That’ll do pig. That’ll do.”
I bet characters in science fiction novels get annoyed when they read all the feast scenes in fantasy books. “Why do they get cakes and mutton and we’re stuck with instant noodles and nutrient paste?”
RELATIONSHIP STATUS: Praying for telemarketers to call so I can experience human contact as I slowly dissolve into dust
Every time I go into my boss’ office she tells me “take a seat”. I have 14 now.
so apparently there is no such thing as a valentine santa and i’m not sure whose lap i just sat on at the mall.
I’d choose @funTweeters over anti-depressants any day.
not for long
I finally got my 11yo interested in a sport, and all it took was hiring a pretty 16yo girl to coach him.
I still cannot believe that we found a crab with these markings at Friday Harbor Labs this summer. We named it “Sad crab” and it now lives happily in a HUUUUUUUGE tank at @MarineBiol_FHL. Sad crab, I stan you.
Worst day ever. Accidentally touched a Magic Eraser and now I’m a muggle.