The cat seems really pissed off. He must have only had 22 hours sleep.
You Might Also Like
I’m beginning to suspect I wasn’t sold a corgi
me: one Big Mac with no cherries
cashier: cherries?
me: no thanks
New parent: So you have been a parent for 4 years. Any insight?
Me: It’s great. Sometimes you want to escape by faking your own death. But I’m sure it’s just a phase.
New parent: Oh, ok. How long does that last?
Me: So far? 4 years.
Still suddenly panicking that you haven’t done your homework on Sunday evenings, despite being in your thirties
How much would you have to pay a teacher to flunk your kid so he has to go to Summer School? Just planning ahead…
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
Executioner: *sweating, hauling up guillotine blade for the ninth time* Please, I have to go home.
Turtle: I won’t pull in this time lol
Mama didn’t raise no fool, I turned into one all on my own.
People told me 10 carrots for an engagement was excessive but it’s my $100,000 and my fiancé deserves as much produce from Whole Foods as she pleases.
Hello? This is your downstairs neighbor. I really hate to be a bother, but I am in bed trying to sleep. Could you please turn the stereo down?
It’s in the living room. You’ll find my door unlocked. Thank you.
just saw a preview of the upcoming commercial for Lady Doritos, yikes
“where am i bro?”
THIS IS SPARTA
“thanks. cute puppy bro”
THIS IS MUFFINS
I understand why there were reindeer named Dasher, Dancer and Prancer, but how did Vixen earn her name. What is Santa hiding
If i was married i’d wake her up with “huh? what was that” 7-8 times a night
Daughter: Dad, can I have some Kit Kat for my snack tonight?
Me: Absolutely not
D: Why?
M: Because I said so
D: Because you ate them?
M: Yes
FAMILY REUNION ORGANIZER: Thanks again for coming, it means a lot to us all.
FRANKENSTEIN’S MONSTER: I’m sorry I gotta run, but I have like 3 more of these just this week.
urns are so stupid. when I die, I want my ashes on display in a mini aquarium
*gets whistled at, but by traffic cop
Every earthquake is a reminder that you drunk-ate the good granola bars out of the earthquake kit eight years ago and never restocked them.
My doctor said I can get back to my college weight if I simply go for a brisk three hundred mile walk each morning.
Dear bill collectors, if you want me to answer the phone, instead of “no caller ID” try something like “free shoes”
I heard that no real accountants were consulted during the filming of the new movie The Accountant. They want the movie to be entertaining.
My kids just pounded on my office door yelling “FBI – open up!!!” when I was on a work call, so yeah, I’m totally looking forward to them going back to school in-person.
Ugh why is my bag so heavy? *goes through bag* ok keys, wallet, book, sandwich, water, anvil, other sandwich, human baby, no I need all this
*Pushing the unlock button on my car key as I approach the front door to my house
Nah, I ain’t distracted.
Her: U ready for the next Star Wars?
Me: *sweating* Did we win the last one?
I love Trader Joe’s but really wish they had parking lots instead of parking littles
News “Don’t go outside. The temperatures are life threatening”
Hot flash “LOL. Challenge accepted.”
[showing my family to coworker]
This is a picture of my daughter & my cat. Mittens & Jack.
“You named your daughter Jack?”
Nope, mittens
imagine getting fired from the sperm bank for drinking on the job and having to constantly clarify that