The cat seems really pissed off. He must have only had 22 hours sleep.
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The most valuable lesson I learned from Hey Arnold is that it’s okay to punch mouth breathers in the face.
i am single and looking for someone amazing! but if my ex is reading this i have 12 boyfriends and they have all proposed to me
My husband said “I wondered where you were,” as if I ever moved more than two feet from the buffet table.
‘Trying to figure out why the police and I seem to chase the same type of guys’
you miss 100% of the gossip from the phone calls you don’t answer
The idea that librarians spend all their time telling children to shush is an unflattering, outdated, and severe stereotype. We actually spend all our time telling children to stop running.
When I was a kid I was so afraid of being kidnapped until my mom assured me there was no way in Hell anyone would ever want to take me.
Her: I can’t believe I just peed in a McDonalds parking lot!
Me: Stick with me sweetheart, the entire world will be your toilet…
*high fives my therapist*
“At least you tried.”
I’m like Harvard. Hard to get into, but once you’re in, everyone is super impressed.
“‘ey kid READ THE SIGN!”
If every human in the world jumps off a mountain we’ll probably eventually evolve to fly.
That’s the last time I go out drinking with you Kevin!
You call it gossiping, I call it a love of knowledge
*walks up to cashier with paper towels*
Are these the largest tampons you have?
me: i’ve been hearing voices
psychiatrist:
me:
psychiatrist: u don’t have a psychiatrist
“THEY’RE PROBABLY MORE AFRAID OF YOU THAN YOU ARE OF THEM,” I shout, as a swarm of murder hornets attacks my friend Jeff
Ghost hunting is just an excuse to hang with the fellas in the dark
[Zoom call]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: [going to the bathroom]
Boss: Can you hear me?
Me: [getting another beer]
Boss: I think he’s on mute.
Me: [getting chips]
Boss: Hello?
Me: sorry I was on mute
One of the weirdest aspects of being human is that if something is cute enough our only response is to want to squeeze it until it’s dead.
Men’s jeans: We have 1000 sizes. What is your waist? What is your height? Where are your hips?
Women’s jeans: We have two sizes, Chickpea and Sycamore
*throws goods on conveyor belt*
Cashier: is that all sir?
Me:”Nope. You got change for a trophy?”
Practice self-care like a star, be lonely and distant & allow nothing to survive on your surface.
My six year old has recently discovered the existence of “opposite day,” and in keeping with the theme let me just say I love it. It’s a lot of fun.
Him: I don’t believe I caught your name.
Her: I don’t believe I threw it.
just because it’s a bad idea doesn’t mean that it ain’t gonna be a hell of a lot of fun
West Side Story gave me the wrong impression. No one at this gang fight is a good dancer and I’ve been shot in the arm.
I’ve never dated a man for his mind, but I would if I ever met a man that had one.
With all due respect, your kid sneezed on me first.