The cat seems really pissed off. He must have only had 22 hours sleep.
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Today’s assignment:
If anyone asks you what you’re doing this weekend, grab them and shake them saying “What have you heard? WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD???”
Challenge accepted.
At my funeral, take the bouquet and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
why are poetry books so expensiveee. each page will be like:
i am home.
if you knockand the book is $49.99
My husband keeps texting me he loves me and that i’m hot, what a weirdo like calm down pal, we’re married
[guy who’s about to invent restaurants]
*eating alone* what if i added social anxiety to this
me *sad*
toddler: You know what will make you happy?
me: What?
toddler: Taking me to McDonalds
Duolingo getting serious.
Don’t stay together for the kids. Stay together because neither one of you wants to raise those monsters alone.
cat owners will hear their cat go “prrrp” in a certain tone and be like “oh one second my cat wants the heating pad turned on”
JOB INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: yes its 7pts tall, separates two sections in a visually pleasing way, and aligns to a carefully proportioned grid
INTERVIEWER: no, i mean here where it says you didn’t work for two years
ME: i.. was designing my resume
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: Sure!
Me: OMG really?
Wife: Wait. Did you say quickie or cookie?
Foo fighters still fighting foo.
please stop saying things like “ur so hot” and “your jokes have both emotional depth and the refreshing originality of a self aware intellectual” and start saying things like “here is ten thousand dollars”
Fun prank:
Tell an English major how “impactful” something is.
i used to enjoy weather like “sunny” or rainy” or cloudy” i’m glad that 2023 is showing us that it can innovate and give us weather like “smoke”
Here’s this year’s kid-friendly Halloween joke:
Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?
Because he didn’t have the guts!
Happy Halloween 🎃
Asked a vegetarian if she’d heard this song, then remembered vegos are too weak to turn on radios and way too busy playing with their lutes.
It’s like being a teenager again. Gas is cheap and I’m grounded.
The worst thing about turning up at the ER drunk at 4am is explaining to the nurse that my 9 year old drove here.
Mugger *shows knife*
Crocodile Dundee “No this is a knife”
*pulls out huge knife*
Alanis Morrisette “Hang on”
*sifts through 10,000 spoons*
your honor my client chooses dare
I do not envy the youth. Imagine starting college in the year 2022: you’re totally pumped, can’t wait for the best 4 years of your life, and then you find out….your roommate is really into crypto.
Tarantino’s Star Trek is 100% going to feature a planet where white people have to say the N-word to survive
joining a chess tournament and timidly saying “are you mad at me?” whenever they take a piece
Brain: She’s cute, talk to her…
Me: but what should I say?
Brain: ask her if she likes meat…
Me: What?
Brain: c’mon man, do it…
Hell hath no fury like a pizza pocket that hasn’t had proper cooling time.
I realize climate change may be a problem but it doesn’t have retail employees I can record myself yelling at so what do you want from me
I’m keeping an eye on the cult headquarters, call that compound interest
Note to self: when in a bank and your kids are climbing on the chairs. Don’t yell…
GET DOWN!