The cat seems really pissed off. He must have only had 22 hours sleep.

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[walks into restaurant] hello, do you serve chicken?
hostess: we sure do
[holding the door for my chicken friend] perfect



wife: i think we should have children

me: [disappointed] but I wanted pizza


I experimented a ton in college. I tried naps in the evening, naps in the morning, sometimes even 3 naps in a row.


If Leonardo da Vinci posted the Mona Lisa on Instagram today, it would get 30 likes, tops.


Interviewer: “What did you like best about your last job?”

Me: “Sometimes, people had birthdays and there was free cake.”


Friend: are you ready for our hike?
Me: *filling my camelback with french onion soup* just about


*Pouring nacho cheese over my bowl of cornflakes* No, I wouldn’t say I’ve let quarantine life change me.


Did it bother anybody else that the guy from that “Operation” game was clearly wide awake?


If she licks all the frosting off her face with a single 360 degree sweep of the tongue, she might be Scooby Doo.