@Adyaces

The cat seems really pissed off. He must have only had 22 hours sleep.

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@CornOnTheGoblin

[walks into restaurant] hello, do you serve chicken?
hostess: we sure do
[holding the door for my chicken friend] perfect

@tweetsbyrocket

[restaurant]

wife: i think we should have children

me: [disappointed] but I wanted pizza

@megankcomedy

I experimented a ton in college. I tried naps in the evening, naps in the morning, sometimes even 3 naps in a row.

@DamienFahey

If Leonardo da Vinci posted the Mona Lisa on Instagram today, it would get 30 likes, tops.

@Rollinintheseat

Interviewer: “What did you like best about your last job?”

Me: “Sometimes, people had birthdays and there was free cake.”

@Prof_Hinkley

Friend: are you ready for our hike?
Me: *filling my camelback with french onion soup* just about

@MaryJustice86

*Pouring nacho cheese over my bowl of cornflakes* No, I wouldn’t say I’ve let quarantine life change me.

@CleoZevach3000

Did it bother anybody else that the guy from that “Operation” game was clearly wide awake?

@slimmy_shady

If she licks all the frosting off her face with a single 360 degree sweep of the tongue, she might be Scooby Doo.