Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

First base: drinks

Second base: hooking up

Third base: consistently hanging out for over 3 months and refusing to call it a relationship because both of you are terrified of commitment and communication

Boss: can I get an update

Me: glitches out and fails to install

“How’s your love life?”
Well, I went on a date. 45 minutes in I realized it was a turtle in a wig.
“I’m sorry man”
it’s ok. still got laid.

7: I’m thinking of a number between 1 and a thousand million
Me: Thats great!
*I walk away

Her: Welcome to McDonalds sir, may I take your order?

Me: *hands her a shovel with mouth agape* ALL. THE. FRIES.

I’m sorry I ate your food but you just kept taking pics of it instead of eating it.

Support your local cemetery

sloth [finally arriving at his prison cell]
prison guard: ok you’re free to go

on da cob, we all corn

I talk a lot of shit for a middle aged woman who still calls it a potty.

[carnival]

ME: How do I win?

CARNIE: Just knock all the bottles off the table

ME: Ok *pulling out my cat*

CARNIE: Oh shi-

Unavoidable loud things that personally attack me, unprovoked:
-Yelling
-Bird carrying fries once mine
-The sun
-Wind (in a good way?)
-Wind (in a bad way)
-Ghosts?
-Feelings of uncertainness
-That time I woke up in a dumpster and forgot where I was until a raccoon bit me
-Ghosts

Pro tip: Turn any sofa into a sofa bed by telling your girl to calm down.

ME: This is my newborn, straight from the hospital.
OTHER PARENT: You’re parenting wrong.

A lot of people don’t know this but Hotel sheets aren’t tucked in tight. It’s actually the bed bugs playing a lil game of tug of war with you

The only way I’d want to watch a video of you pouring a bucket of ice water over your head is if you promise you drown at the end.

Vin Diesel’s Family Restaurant, now open for breakfast, featuring:

🥞 The Breakfast and the Breakfurious
🍳 2 Eggs 2 Sausages
🥛 xXx-tra Spicy Bloody Mary
🍍 I AM FRUIT

“I don’t have a library card, can I get on a computer?”
“You don’t have a card?”
“Nope.”
“But the printing. And ebooks.”
“No thanks.”
“And databases and DVDs.”
“Nah.”
“And every year on your birthday library workers come to your house and sing.”
“Really?”
“One way to find out.”

I already tried new things thanks.

customs officer: anything to declare?

me (pulling blanket over elephant): umm just this blanket

Wishing everyone who’s visiting their parents for Christmas a very water tastes wrong.

“You’re going to have to open your mouth wider than that”

I’m at the dentist you pervs!

The baby spit up on my Xbox so I had to get rid of it…

I’m gonna miss that baby…

I used to eat a lot of Belgian chocolate, but I gave it up for Lindt.

[on a date]

I’ve got butterflies in my stomach

“that’s so cute. You dont have to be nervous”

[flashback to me eating some butterflies] ok

Gmail: Someone has signed into your account!

Me: Yeah that was me

Gmail: No it was on another device!

Me: Yes my tablet

Gmail: Someone stole your tablet?!

Me: what no

Gmail: CALL THE POLICE

“Yes, I’m here. I really need you to be more specific. I know a lot of Margarets.”
— God

God: It’s time to speed up the apocalypse.

Angel: But people are basically good. Give them a chance!

God: The Baby Shark people just released a “Wash Your Hands” song.

Angel: Never mind, go ahead.

Explained occurrences: redditor runs into daylight savings time

I congratulated a friend on his new baby on IG & his wife immediately sent me a message asking how I knew him.

I was his Sunday school teacher 25 years ago. Calm down, Brittany.