“The cat spilled water. Don’t worry, your coloring book’s fine” isn’t a thing my gf thought she’d ever say to a grown man, but here we are.
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If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
Hey starbucks I’m not using your made up language give me a medium beanwater
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Blockbuster: 😭 yes
Starting my diet and training tomorrow; hope I can count on your support and prayers that I die in my sleep. Please RT.
We weren’t traipsing, Mom. We are rapscallions. We galavant.
I’m sorry your husband gets out his guitar when guests are over and keeps playing the first few chords of Wild Thing
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”
me: an artist’s work is never truly appreciated until after their death.
subway sandwich artist: please, sir, i have a family.
[invention of croutons]
Let me put a few bread rocks on top of your salad. Trust me, people in neighboring cities will hear you eating this.
When I think how often I drop things on my feet, my childhood dream of owning a Lightsaber may have been catastrophic
I have to admit, I never thought our son would go that far.
Me neither. This trebuchet is marvellous. Let’s get the cat.
#CatDay #RubbishJokes
#MondayMorning
Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.
me: [kicking leaves in the park]
wife: how are you getting your leg so high
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
ME: cheese omelette
WAITER: chicken or Cadbury Creme eggs
ME: hmmm… you know what, surprise me
A lot of people don’t know this but Hotel sheets aren’t tucked in tight. It’s actually the bed bugs playing a lil game of tug of war with you
That song stuck in my head is “Don’t Speak,” I’ve no doubt in my mind.
I started dating a lumberjack.
He’s a handsome feller.
My sarcasm will 100% get me killed one day. Someone could hold a knife to my throat and i’d probably say “what are you gonna do, stab me?”
there was a fight tonight in ~hot sculpted yoga tonight bc one girl took another girl’s mat and it ended w the first girl *flicking the other girl’s forehead* after the teacher saying “don’t do it..don’t do it…DON’T DO IT’ and when she did it the whole class collectively gasped
“You’re a HORRIBLE parent!”
– my daughter because I won’t let her use a chainsaw to make a treehouse.
Christ it is annoying when my parents need help on their failing farm. I always get there and theres a hunk with a toolbox whos like “I’m helping your parents now, with my tools” and I’m like “get out of here!” and then we do end up falling into a marriage. every spring with this
Oh yeah that’s it
Jesus: *rises after three days*
God: (while reading newspaper) well look who decided to join us
My uncle told me the other day that the world is in a really crazy place when Twitter seems more logical than the general public so congrats y’all are considered the most sane people on the planet by at least one person
Since Hemsworth didn’t go for Thanos’s head, Avengers: Infinity War is a Chris miss movie.
[girl’s night out]
WIFE: I’m off then
ME: Okay
WIFE: Don’t do anything obtuse
ME: Pfft – give me a break!
{5 min later}
ME *googling obtuse*
All I’m saying is that the Care Bears gave me some very unrealistic expectations.
Midnight snack: battle between how much you crave food versus how much you don’t want to brush your teeth again