“The cat spilled water. Don’t worry, your coloring book’s fine” isn’t a thing my gf thought she’d ever say to a grown man, but here we are.
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*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
Naming my first daughter Piggleigh Wiggleigh.
Some of us better hope Santa doesn’t check Twitter because if he does all we’re getting for Christmas is therapy.
ME: please show me the posts in the order that they were made
COMPUTER: thats too hard. heres some tweets i think are good. Do you like this
Him: Toast me some bread please?
Me *raising wine glass
Here’s to bread!
My weight loss plan is to skip breakfast and lunch…
And then eat seven dinners.
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
no april fools jokes for us as we are in the middle of a pandemic. having said that, goofy has died.
Stubbed my toe leaving the hospital. Called my doctor complaining of a painful discharge.
Ghost costume 😂
I’ve seen enough movies to know that when you wake up in a hospital bed, you rip all the cords off because you’ve got work to do.
I hate when I toss some cold pizza in the microwave, check Twitter real quick and when I come back I’ve missed 3 mortgage payments.
Old stoners don’t die. They blow this joint.
I never realized how short a month is until I started paying rent
Her (gently shaking me awake): “Did you know you grind your teeth in your sleep?”
Me (removing mouth guard): “Firstly, yes that’s why I wear this.
Secondly, you shouldn’t be talking to me now.
And thirdly, you need to get back behind the yellow line when I’m driving this bus.”
If I have to be awake, everyone has to be awake.
– birds
omg the susans have started to replicate please send he
If you watch the Fast & Furious series in reverse, it’s about tough guys who have a change of heart and return stolen cars and decide to scale back their dangerous stunts to more sensible, low-budget ones and they all become youthful and more relaxed because of the lowered stress
When choosing a heart medicine, always pick the one that causes, “significantly less bleeding.”
Less bleeding is good for not being dead.
The cool side of the pillow just stole my bf.
I read all tweets with poor grammar and word choice in a Cookie Monster voice.
shout out to anyone that’s used a tube of super glue more than once
* wishes on shooting star
” the wish you have wished for has already been taken, please try again”
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
when relatives at your next get together start talking politics, a fun thing to do is say “yeah it’s just like orwell’s 1984,” and then describe the plot of Twilight
Me: can I get a Coke please
Waiter: we only serve Pepsi here
Me: how about a lemonade then
Waiter: sir… we only serve Pepsi here
[cut to guy at the next table eating a plate of Pepsi]
Like The Shawshank Redemption except it’s just me at work chiseling a tunnel behind the “hang in there” cat poster for a more direct route to the vending machine.
dear law students: nothing in the civil rules prohibits yelling out latin phrases like harry potter spells.
Netflix: We have Less
[group therapy]
IAN: Hi. I’m Ian. I’m racist
[others nod]
ME: Hi. I’m Mat. I use landscape keyboard on my phone
[screaming]
[Ian pukes]