“The cat spilled water. Don’t worry, your coloring book’s fine” isn’t a thing my gf thought she’d ever say to a grown man, but here we are.
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Watching cartoons with my son is awesome except for all the commercials & now his Christmas list has 26,724 things on it. Shit.
Word: Your document is auto-saved. No need to save.
Computer: *Crashes
Me: *Opens document
Word: You’re not gonna believe this…
just had a really bad argument with some guy I invented in my head
If a kid yells “MOM” in a crowded store, a dozen women will spin around to look. If a kid yells “DAD,” a dozen guys will duck & hide.
I need you guys to take my phone away from me. It’ll probably take a couple of you to do it. I’m a biter.
I was so excited. Thought I found an M&M at the bottom of my purse. It was only an earbud. I ate it anyway.
Curiosity gave the cat slightly high blood pressure but nothing to be concerned about.
WIFE: He’s too literal and unromantic
THERAPIST: Tell her something that comes straight from the heart
ME: [whispers in her ear] Arteries
oh u like geography? name every lake
Lightly used fish tank for sale on eBay.
Does not contain three goldfish ghosts.
yall pray for me, nothing’s wrong im just in college
I have an on again on again relationship with my couch.
“What’s funny?”
The microwave beeping as you walked backwards.
“Why’s that funny?”
Because large objects beep going in reverse, Diane.
me at 7: I wanna be a marine biologist when I grow up! That or a ninja, prolly both
me at 29: I don’t know how to wash dishes without getting my shirt all wet
My friends are always encouraging me to persist. “Don’t quit your day job.”
“Holy shit I’m a cat?”
If mice just casually sauntered from room to room cats would probably leave them alone.
Fitbit: Time for a walk
Me: *walks to snack machine
shakira sharkira
Wait til the people so excited about all-day breakfast at McDonald’s find out they can make breakfast at home whenever they want.
True?
[stays up all night examining my issues and identifying which descriptors best express my feelings of dysregulation]
the second i get to therapy:
idk I just feel blah
Me: goodnight moon
Warren Moon: how did you get in my house?
Guys invented poker as an excuse to stare into each other’s eyes.
me: i can’t remember my password
my brain: how about an embarrassing memory
On your deathbed tell everyone “pray for me” then make sure to leave a note to be opened after you die that says “pray harder next time”
i pretend i don’t care about stuff but that’s only because i have no idea what’s going on around me at any given time.
OMINOUS CHANTING
*pentagram starts to glow*
YES! RISE DARK LORD! RISE!
*Satan tosses pillow through portal*
UNGH 5 MORE MINUTES!!!
there is asparagus
in my hairagusand I don’t
caragus
anyone who thinks chickens come out of eggs is an idiot. have you ever seen a chicken? it’s like 500 times the size of an egg. jesus christ