The cat treats me like a king. Constantly planning to kill me so he can take my place in the chair.
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Sitting down and tilting your head to the side will increase your chances of food intake by 82%.
– Dog Logic
Few people realize that before they were domesticated, the wild vacuum cleaner was the only natural predator of wolves…
Hence, dogs instinctive reaction to them today.
Radiohead fans, this is for you.
Yelling at the kids to get ready for bed 35 minutes after I already put them to bed is how I function on cold medicine.
Facebook: your old HS friend just sent you a friend request
me: cool!
Facebook: she’s racist now
me: uhh
Facebook: everyone on here is
It’s hard for me to believe that the new Star Wars trailer has already been seen millions of times. How do they even know where it’s parked?
I am no longer impressed that Nicholas Cage managed to steal the Declaration of Independence.
Boy: call me daddy 😉
Me:
The worst kind of insomnia is snoring induced insomnia. That’s when every time you start snoring your wife shoves you awake…
A werewolf is chasing you. You’re on a Segway. The werewolf is too. Both batteries are dying, and the chase gets slower and slower.
me: hit me, daddy
poker dealer: don’t call me that
Dating is collecting information about someone until you realize you don’t like them
My dream of making Playboy gone, so my best bet is National Geographic photographing me naked, carrying water on my head.
wife: did you change the baby?
me: no and i never will because i love him for who he is.
Saw Paul Rudd trending and thought oh god no has he aged very slightly
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
I have a new favorite conspiracy theory
[at an umpire’s funeral]
me: i’m so sorry. how did he die?
mourner: STEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-ROKE!!
*first year living alone*
Me: *runs out of bedroom on Christmas Day to find no presents* what
Pro tip: Any pillow can be a throw pillow when you want to get your kids to stop whining.
Me: Will you marry me?
Girlfriend: No.
Hot air balloon pilot: It takes me about an hour to land this thing so this is now awkward.
Me: *holding my dog* it’s his 3rd birthday so technically he’s 21
Bouncer: Still no
My son meets his online girlfriend today, so here’s to hoping she’s the anime loving e-girl of his dreams and not some guy named Steve.
The word October loosely translates to ’eight bers’
Don’t mess with grandma when her bodyguard is near.
You can’t scare me. You’re not my dog the morning after she ate my jar of Vaseline
Me: You guys wanna play house?
Them: Sure
Me, throwing the nearest kid on a gurney: We are gonna need a crash cart in here stat! WE ARE LOSING HIM! And you said you thought it was lupus.
*taps on your head*
“Is this think on?”
I just locked eyes with a spider.
But instead of killing him I ran away and hid, so he can spend the night stressing about where I am.