the cat won’t stop drinking out of my water glass I have tried everything I have tried “hey” and even “Hey”
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There’s plenty of fish in the sea except when you’re fishing, or single.
doctor: what seems to be the problem?
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
*clicks open my pocket watch with a glance before snapping it shut* as suspected I still cannot tell time
In my next life, I’m coming back as a baby
I bet no one’s had as many concussions as the guy who invented nunchucks.
imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee looks like it’s floating in mid air.
If you could only see yourself through my eyes, then you’d see how blurry you really are.
oh so you rich guys throw the water out after you boil hotdogs. too good for hotdog soup. too good to dab the soup on your wrists like colog
How do people who don’t have a cat know when a ghost has entered the room?
Just spent 5 minutes waving my hands in front of a manual paper towel dispenser if anyone needs someone to take their SAT exam for them.
date: probably losing a loved one. what about you, what’s your biggest fear?
me: driving into a wall that someone has painted to look like a tunnel
My cat drank water out off my glass, so I poured it in her bowl instead of dumping it out, then she decided it was no longer good enough for her, so I dumped it out and gave her fresh water instead and OH MY GOD WHO OWNS WHO IN THIS HOUSE
I don’t hate you I just wish your next period is in a shark tank
SERIAL KILLER: you can run but you can’t hide
ME: [crying] you believe in me more than my track coach ever did
If Jesus came back today, hipsters would be like “whatever Jesus, the book was better.”
8yo: “I’ve put my tooth in my room but I’m not saying where – it is to see if the tooth fairy is real or not” – this shit just got real
I bet when the first guy wore glasses everybody was like “Oh la de da, excuse me Mr. I Need TWO Monocles.”
ME: So are you gonna put it in me or what
NURSE: Sir it’s a blood draw please stop saying that
When I was a boy we had to invent snow before we could walk 15 miles through it to get to school.
If you see a guy faceplant into an automatic door, come up and say hi
Sorry I started scratching your bug bite as I asked if it still itches.
If Nostradamus had been any good he’d have called his book of prophecies ‘Predictive Text’.
We didn’t have child safety seats when I was young. My dad would put a couple of us in the trunk if it meant not taking two cars.
it isnt your fault that you are unhappy and unsuccessful. in my 6 week online course i will teach you the true reason why your life is bad: a witch cursed you with “misery orb” at birth. i will show you how to locate and extract the orb from your brain using household items
[wife calling make-a-wish foundation]
he says he’s “dying from ennui” does that count
*sees group of firemen standing around a campfire*
me: hEY leave that little guy alone
every time i take my teen to a flea market she buys a weapon, so i now know which room i’ll be running to in a home invasion
the avengers: “the city is saved”
the city:
