The cats activated the rainbow portal again
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friend: you should name your plants
me: why
friend: it’s just a cute thing people do
me: oh ok. *pointing to rose bush* this is Lily
friend: wait
me: *pointing to lily* this is Iris
friend: no—
me: *pointing to Iris* this is Rosemary
friend: I hate you
“I hope this email finds you well”
The email finding me
So, we tip the pizza delivery guy, but not ambulance drivers.
You don’t know how to properly recycle cardboard? Let me break it down for you
Me; Alexa! Start understanding my Indian accent
Alexa: Here’s what I found on Wikipedia about median cement
Me: You’re cleaning out the basement?
Her: Yes I am decluttering my life. I have a new rule: If I haven’t used it in 3 months, I’m getting rid of it.
Me: I guess I’ll be packing my bags then.
My wife doesn’t have a Honey-Do list. She has a Cantaloupe list, which has all the girls I’m not allowed to run away with
We’ve got some pretty upscale, sophisticated people coming over tonight, so I’m putting out the classy spittoon.
you know you’re related when you visit your cousin and find her crying because she dropped her cake pop.
I think the first person to see a pug was like wait why is that sweet potato snorting?
“My wife’s just made breakfast using the hot bread cooky thing.”
“Toaster?”
“Ladies and gentlemen, to my wife!”
“Get out”.
buying dead houseplants to save time
wife: Did you work late?
[flashback to me missing my exit because the car in front of me had Shrek on and I wanted to see the ending]
me:Yep
Apparently “working from home” means “dear God why can’t I stop eating”.
(my date twirling her hair)
“Can I use your bathroom quick?”
Absolutely, gorgeous.
*hears the longest fart ever as she closes the door*
I swear some people should be banned from cooking
Watching the history channel and feeling clever when the guy said “and this dinosaur was called pterodactyl” and I’m thinking “called by who, there was nobody there”
Me: I must warn you, I’m like an animal in bed.
Her: That’s fine by me!
*burrows under the covers and falls asleep at the foot of the bed*
I’ve updated my will…
“Being of sound mind, I spent it all.”
Everyone is fighting a battle (with goblins) that you know nothing about (because you failed a perception check)
I may appear calm on the outside…
…but pigeons are attacking a french fry in my head.
Eddie is one of our desert tortoises. If you don’t push the door shut all the way, he will open it and come in. Eddie is probably over 50 years old, and ours is at least the third house in our neighborhood he’s lived at.
Him: Your hands are as soft as a turtle’s armpit!
Me: We have to breakup.
Whenever I’m about to give a speech in front of an audience, I imagine myself naked.
Wait, what
Swiss Army knives should come with a first aid attachment.
My daughter’s coach described her attack approach as whimsical and gallop-y.
“Wait, let me explain..”
Hey Joe, don’t think we can use this ad.
Why not? We’re roofers.
Yes, but “Hot shingles in your area looking to get nailed” seems extreme.
Writing a personal ad. So far I have:
Has all own teeth
If you think I can be won over by a large Toblerone, then you, my friend, are correct.