The cats can open doorknobs now literally the only thing keeping them here is that they can’t reach the gas pedal in the car.
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I just saw a pizza delivery guy get in a terrible accident. I feel so bad. Someone’s just sitting around, wondering where their pizza is.
Everyone on earth: I’m terrible with names.
Me: Hi guys!
Everyone on earth: Oh, hi darren!
Toddler, sleepily: “A lot of people live in our house.”
Me: “Momma, Matty, and me. That’s all.”
Toddler, pointing behind me: “And them too.”
I turn to see an empty hallway. I’m 99% certain it was an empty hallway.
when the news anchor says “if you know anything about the crime please contact police”
dont call the police and re-tell the news story
Day 126 with no sex. I’ve lost hearing in my right eye
kinda bullshit my iPhone doesn’t recognize my face with food hanging out of it
getting older means hearing an athlete’s name you haven’t heard in a while and having to google to see if it’s still him playing or if this is his son.
I have a photographic memory, but I’ve run out of film
How it started: No kicking balls in the house!
How it’s going: Just do it in the hallway where you can’t break anything.
Choose a job that you love, and your boss will never have to work a day in their life.
I know this now 😂
I’ve been waiting for the perfect time to change my Netflix password so my ex can’t use it anymore and it doesn’t really get much better than a national lockdown
me: i can’t remember my password
my brain: how about an embarrassing memory
I swear I won’t be undressing you with my eyes again. That REALLY hurt!
*Picks up extra virgin olive oil. *smirks*
“Not for long my friend. Not for long.”
Coffee so strong I’m starting to believe I’m The Flash.
*puts on kevlar vest, gloves and steel toe boots*
*Heads into Costco on a Saturday*
Yes of course the covid exposure notices are scary, but nothing shakes me to the core like an old fashioned classroom head lice letter.
How many boats could Lisa Kudrow row if Lisa Kudrow could row boats?
Pro tip: Next time you’re at a bar, go up to a woman & whisper “Hey, wanna get outta here?”
If she says yes, you can sit where she was.
thug: empty your pockets
me: (bursts into tears) women’s clothing doesn’t have pockets!
thug: I’m sorry for upsetting you. Here’s $30
me (sniffing): and where exactly am I supposed to put that?
CAUGHT IN A ˢˡⁱᵈᵉ
these freddie videos i swear-
Look officer, he’s missing but I don’t remember what he was wearing. I’d need a mirror to tell you what I’m wearing.
Instead of folding all of laundry immediately wear everything in the pile. Issue handled; no fuss no muss
If being successful was an amusement park, I’m the kid that drove his bumper car in the corner and can’t get out.
I hope I’m not the only one who hovers over someone when they use my favorite pen just so they know I’m serious about wanting it back.
They say old habits die hard…
My ex was an old habit, here’s to hoping.
Imagine being 5 minutes from the end of the longest movie ever & it starts over because it forgot something. That’s my kid telling a story.
Husband: *snoring*
It’s like he’s trying to tell me something
*snoring*
What is it boy?
*snoring intensifies*
Timmy’s stuck in a well?
That awkward moment when I give a guy a fake phone number and he tries to call it in front of me.. #OhShiiiit