To be fair, “old-fashioned” doesn’t necessarily mean racist; it could also mean sexist.
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if you ever feel useless, remember someone made a protective cover for Nokia 3310
(Rushes to hospital)
Dr: Your mother is extremely critical.
Me: Don’t overreact doctor, she’s like that with everyone.
Welcome to parenthood. Every piece of trash in your house is now a makeshift toy that you are not allowed to throw out.
A fox: People aren’t so bad. I hear they named a news station after us.
[Watches 1 minute of Hannity]
We attack the humans at dawn.
{asks friend for help with a draft}
*two minutes later*
‘I’d love to help you, but I honestly have no idea where your thought process is taking us here’Me: “It’s fine, really
…..it’s not you, it’s me!”
As a parent, you learn to accept you can’t run away from your problems. They will find you. And they will demand fruit snacks.
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty?
If anyone’s looking to join a pyramid scheme, hit me up and I’ll connect you with all the girls I went to high school with via facebook.
I wonder if dogs get embarrassed when they have to stand that way and shit in front of everybody. I know I do.
I’m learning that a large percentage of my students believe they could talk their way out of being sent to a concentration camp.
Love it! 👍😂
Beep beep
Beep beep beep
Beep beep
Beep
Beep beep beep beep
Road Runner and R2D2 having a conversation
I’m always Beware #MakesMeCautious
[getting my license]
Me: *points at gas gauge* the car just ate so we have to wait 30 minutes
Instructor: *unclicks seatbelt*
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
“Want me to help you with that tux?”
“No”
“Ok, suit yourself”
You don’t realize how old a movie is until you see the computer in it
Me: Now remember, just let me do all the talking.
Wife:
Marriage counselor:
Me: I think we’ve made a lot of progress here today.
“To be is to do” – Socrates.
“To do is to be” – Nietzsche.
“Do be do be do” – Sinatra.
“Beep beep beep” – R2D2.
a store that sells jeans and khakis should be called a pantry
Best part about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re making a point so people know shit’s about to get real.
“wow this rap song is good I wonder who this is”
*waits literally 4 seconds*
“oh there look at that he said his name how convenient”
doctor: we had to remove your appendix
JRR Tolkien: but that’s where I explain why elves hate dwarves
Getting older means having to put a daily stop to the romance between my left and right eyebrows before they become One.
So. I didn’t win the lottery again. If this run of bad luck continues much longer, I may have to consider actually buying a ticket one day.
These kids act like they’ve never gotten a half-pealed hard boiled egg for Halloween before.
Be nice to a nerd. Prevent a supervillain.
Piglet: *sees recipe book* Honey-glazed…Pooh, what’s ham?
WinniethePooh: A food that goes well with honey. Now, how about a nice hot bath?
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, we share it, right?
Me: [Using my Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
Quite frankly amazed I’ve never been kidnapped. I just asked the produce manager if they had more cantaloupe and he said follow me and I said okie dokie and ended up in some back room lmao