The CDC has increased the 3 second rule to 2 minutes.
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Walk into the club like whatup OWW
Walk into the mace like what DAMN
Walk into the sword like wha *dies*
*flunks gladiator school*
me: my girlfriend’s a model
him: oh yeah what kind?
me: papier-mâché
If I had a bodyguard, I’m pretty sure he’d just spend most of his time sighing and saying “Don’t eat that…”
The moon landing was faked. They actually went to Mars, and I can prove it.
I spoke to my husband earlier
He seemed quite nice
Interviewer: Can you explain the gap in your CV?
Me: I spent 6 hours formatting it in Google Docs and you’ve opened it in Word.
“You don’t load the dishwasher right,” I said to my wife just before it permanently became my job.
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: Hakuna Matata.
Judge: what does that mean?
Me: I’m glad you asked *deep breath* 🎶…
I like the show on fox news where there are 4 conservative idiots yelling at one liberal idiot.
If you’re over the age of 5, and are trying to be cute by saying: sorry as: sowee – I will kick you in your pwivates.
Ironically the best judge is someone who knows both parties fairly well, and can attest that both parties are idiots.
[take your kid to work day]
COWORKER: is this your son steven?
ME: actually it’s stephen
COWORKER: oh okay. how old is he?
ME: sephen
My kids have been helping our neighbors in their garden and now I’m having Children of the Corn flashbacks.
GF: “you’re so childish”
me: “it’s my day too linda”
[we sit in silence]
wedding planner: “so is that a yes or a no on the bouncy castle?”
I’m working on my core muscles so I can rise out of a coffin dramatically.
give it to me straight doc what can i do to be healthier besides changing my entire lifestyle.
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
Changed my outgoing voicemail message to “You have reached the government.”
me: are you a cop you talk the talk.
ex-cop: not anymore
me: couldn’t walk the walk huh.
ex-cop: no didn’t lock the locks.
I will never feel sorry for people who complain about getting screwed in their divorce.
Hell, I can’t even get screwed in my marriage.
No, I don’t need a Fitbit. I can count to 45 by myself.
They say “do something today that makes the world a better place”…….so I’m getting drunk.
5 easy ways to make money as a writer:
• Sell your blood
• Return cans and bottles
• Shoplift and re-sell items from a cart
• Learn to play guitar and busk
• Pawn your laptop
People keep tagging a random person instead of the incoming British prime minister and she’s rolling with it lol
life is a continuous learning experience, so i can spend all my time not paying attention and drawing cartoons on notepaper just like school
Business owners’ worst nightmare would be if sign twirlers unionized. Those people excel at holding signs. Their picket lines would be spectacular.
Netflix has the AUDACITY to ask me if I’m still watching when it knows I left the remote on the dining room table and have NO intention of getting up. Smh
Halfway to the pizza store my kid announces that she isn’t wearing any shoes. The eventual transition out of isolation may be harder than expected.
**reads: not by the hair of my chinny chin chin
As a kid: what tf does that mean?
Turns 40: ohhhhh
What is wrong with Riverdale that ARCHIE was the best option?