Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I forgot take my phone to the bathroom, so I had to start an argument about politics with the guy in the stall next to me

All I’m saying is nothing feels better than using a decorative towel.

Pretty annoying when someone unfollows me before I can conduct their exit interview.

Whenever my husband annoys me,
I force him to go to the store for
Maxi pads, extra thin with extra wings
MUST HAVE EXTRA WINGS
Don’t come home without it

I always took the phrase “God moves in mysterious ways” to mean that he walks like a crab.

I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name.

WHAT DO WE WANT?
A REALLY FAST CAR TO DRIVE PAST!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
NNNEYOWWWWWwwwww…

Customer: I’ll have the jumbo shrimp

Me (first day as a waiter): just the one?

Customer (first day as a customer): I bet it’s gigantic!

Inflation is out of control. Bought a picture today for 1400 words.

I just remembered the time I was dating a British man and I was annoyed at him about something so I deliberately made my tea in the microwave while staring him right in the eyes

I haven’t been jogging since I tripped and broke my ego in several places.

i’m sorry that i bit you, i was trying to flirt

JUDGE: state your name for the court
ME: Juan
JUDGE: and your last
ME: Agofree
JUDGE: so, Juan Agofree?
ME: *bangs gavel* case dismissed

spell your crushes name backwards mine’s ninotores

ME: I’ll have the burger.
WAITER: And how do you like your burger?
ME: I don’t know. You haven’t brought it to me yet.

I didn’t even know this was an option. Considering it.

Dad: HEY come here, did you go to school with this guy on tv?
Me: Dad, that’s Spongebob Squarepants
Dad: Must’ve been in your sister’s class

Sometimes I look at my kids and marvel at how brilliant they are, other times my 5 year old puts on a clean shirt without taking the dirty one off first.

When I have to go back to work again, I’ll have to leave messages ranting about my job on my answering machine at least 6 times a day because the cats have grown accustomed to it

I told a guy on MySpace 16 years ago I would brb. I. Never. Brb’d.

Wife: Hit the light.

*flicks switch (wrong light)
*flicks another (fan)
*flicks (disposer)
*flicks (nothing)
*flicks (some light in Canada)

Police officer: Have you had anything to drink?
Me:No
PO:Ok, blow into here
Me:But there are no candles
PO:Ma’am please get out of the car

Accidentally fell asleep smoking an e-cigarette and when I woke up my whole house was on the internet.

[Me and coworker going for the last piece of cake]
You’d better ask yourself if you can type with one hand, Nancy from Accounting.

NEIGHBOR: That’s the best haunted house I’ve seen. Terrifying Halloween decorations!

ME: [scattering body parts in the yard] Halloween?

Morning all.

I’m living in a parallel universe where I suck at perpendicular parking.

i got sudden, inexplicable ear pain. my friend woke up with sudden, inexplicable eye pain. if any of you start having sudden, inexplicable mouth pain, lmk. i think we are supposed to be sold as a box set.

🙉🙈🙊

My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch,
it might be me.