Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Big respect to the guy in this cafe trying to make the woman he’s with feel better because she’s saying how bad her eyesight is getting, by telling her “no but everything is so small these days. No one can see anything”

ME: Mint choc chip ice cream, pls. I got my own cone [places it on counter]
EMPLOYEE: This is a traffic cone?
ME: You must be new here.

i was having a panic attack and my friend suggested holding a rose quartz so i stopped panicking and just got angry

When I said I was afraid of the dentist, I meant the bill.

So much has changed in such a short period of time. But whoa is still spelled whoa.

Twitter fine art

“Sir you can’t bring your dog onto the plane”
[labradoodle puts on tiny pilot hat]
“Omg captain I’m so sorry”

Me: [giggling] who is Thor’s favorite rapper?

Wife: I don’t know, MC Hammer?

Me: oh.

Wife: [sigh] what’s wrong?

Me: nothing…I mean…why did you say I don’t know if you clearly knew the answer.

Me: I can do whatever I want through Christ who strengthens me

Attorney: ok but again, as your lawyer I strongly advise you to not say that in court

A coworker just said she couldn’t change the printer ink because she’s very sensitive to electrodes(?) and didn’t have the right crystals to counteract(??)

I don’t want to open a can of worms in a china shop but mixed metaphors can be very effective and logical to boot. No bull.

Can’t wait to still not buy toilet paper after all this is over.

If you need motivation to workout this evening, Justin Bieber changed his Instagram name to Bizzle. Now go ahead, get out that aggression.

Relationship status: If my husband is running his fingers through my hair, it’s to retrieve food.

CURRENT MOOD: righteously angry, but there’s a cat on my lap

I know

I confused girdle and wordle, and now I can’t spell for crap but my waistline looks fabulous

20’s: I can’t remember where I left my keys

30’s: I can’t remember where I left my car

40’s: I can’t remember where I left my kids

Thanks to technology, family members from across the country can still have meetings to discuss what a disappointment you are.

My heart says curly fries but my BMI is suggesting salad.

Parent Fact: Sugar makes kids crazy.

Grandparent Fact: Vengeance is mine.

I always say “I was wondering when you’d find me” when I get in my car. That way if someone’s ever in the backseat I’ll look cool as shit.

My reaction to winning a billion dollars wouldn’t even come close to my 5 year old’s reaction when I told him that there’s no school today.

Exterminator: I can’t do anything about it.

Me: but I’m infested.

Exterminator: look! you’re the one who chose to have this many kids.

People in the UK eat more bananas than monkeys.
In 2014 they ate 73,432,384 bananas and only 6 monkeys.

I’m going to start an aluminum recycling company called “Only Cans”.

Me: [eating apple & staring out window] It really works.

*roving gang of doctors walk past house*

*feral teacher crashes through window*

“How do you talk to an angel”

Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?

“How do you hold her close to where you are”

Me: Aren’t most angels men?

Army barbers get paid to shave their privates.

Life tip – buy a birthday card with your morning bottle of wine and people will think it’s a gift.

You are welcome.