The CDC has increased the 3 second rule to 2 minutes.
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Smokey the Bear is 100% what kept me from starting forest fires
Marge is going for a more natural hairstyle
three years of jiu-jitsu and I still can’t get out of my wife’s hugs
Psssst.
Hey you,
Yeah you…Facebook parent. Your kid looks the same as it did 8 minutes ago. When you posted the other 45 pics. We get it
If you eat guns, you’ll sweat bullets.
It’s science.
If you eat a pot brownie and a Ken doll, you’ll poop a Matthew McConaughey.
wife *sees chair* [thinking] That would look great with the new rug in the living room
me *sees chair* [thinking] Chair
Just saw a man park, walk into a movie theater, walk out two minutes later with a large popcorn and a fountain soda, get in his car, and drive away. A hero of our time.
The cool thing about driving 15 mph in a school zone is that it makes it so much easier to text.
They’re on their honeymoon
[Police station]
Me: “Not sure what why you guys arrested me. I guess I just have one of those faces. Huh.”
Cop: “That’s right buddy, and if we don’t get it back to the transplant center by noon, they won’t be able to operate. So hand it over, capiche?”
I wrote a haiku about mansplaining for the Thursday contest and my husband offered to “look at it and make sure it fit the 5-7-5 format.”
I bought this 3 years ago without realizing what was on it and wore it to my daughter’s school play 😂😂
can’t talk my ride’s here
Make sure your blind date from the internet has a big car. Nothing worse than a trunk with no leg room.
In rest homes, when lovers have spats, do they key each other’s walkers???
*goes to hell
Me: I hear there are special places
Satan: No, they’re all the same!
Me: (showing him a crisp $10 bill) How about now?
him: what are you looking for on this dating site?
me: someone who will hold the cats down so I can take pics of them wearing sunglasses.
Scientists claim that the Big Bang was the loudest noise that has ever occured in history. They obviously haven’t met my kids.
Probably the best way to keep a lion from attacking is to talk trash about hyenas.
Me: (filling the medicine cabinet with ping pong balls)
Him: What are you doing?
Me: I invited your family over for dinner tonight.
*first day in prison orientation*
Warden: Are there any questions?
Me: uh…any possibility of…say…field trips?
Warden: …
Me: *looks around* oh…like I’m the only one who wanted to know!!?!
My next door neighbour just accused me of stealing clothes from her washing line. I nearly shit her pants
Reporter: What can you tell us about the asteroid you recently discovered?
Astronomer: No, comet.
god: u can eat things twice ur size
snake: ok but how
god: go like 😮
snake:
god: then u just kinda :O
“What the hell happened to you?”
I got tarred by an angry mob.
“What about the feathers?”
I hugged some ducks to feel better after.
My friend got stung by a jellyfish so I took a massive shit on his leg & he forgot all about the jellyfish.
John Denver: Almost heaven-
Me: Wow the place he’s singing about must be amazing
John Denver: -West Virginia
Me: Ok
“what’s your ideal vacation?”
dropping my family off at the airport and going back home alone for 7 days.
Friend was telling me a story of how she made her parents drive around to 4 different places looking for a hot dog “with skin”. They kept trying to explain that they all have skin. Turns out what she wanted was a corn dog.