Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Discussing the school nativity play*

Me: Who’s Mary?

7: She’s Jesus’s mum.

Me: Yes, who’s playing her.

7: Dunno.

Me: Who’s Joseph?

7: He’s Mary’s husband.

Me:

Accidentally bought a pound of unsalted butter so, if I’m your Secret Santa, well…

Worst part of a bottomless pit isn’t the plunge, it’s the endless polite small talk you have to make with the guy falling next to you

Me: Why is Amazon showing me this?

Amazon: It’s 15% off.

Me: Well, in that case…

me: [walking into high school reunion] this is going to be a nightmare

principal: where’s your pants?

Me: hahahahahaahaahahaha

Personal trainer: what’s so funny?

Me: oh man I thought you were joking about running

Me: Are you ready for your spelling test?

6-year-old: I know all the words.

Me: Good.

6: Just not all the letters in them.

Hell hath no fury like a woman proving herself by parallel parking

Her: try curing your hangover with the hair of the dog

Him: the what?

Dog: YEAH SUSAN THE WHAT???

i can confirm that Somali pirates have intercepted my shipment of 20,000 glossy 8×10 headshots and are using them for vile purposes

*looks gift horse in the mouth

Gift Horse: Hey, my eyes are up here.

Was driving to a doctor’s appointment and ended up at my favorite donut shop so life does find a way

Someone flipped me off so I threw my wallet at him and said “I love you.”

He didn’t even die.

Killing people with kindness is hard.

Batman – utility belt.

Homer Simpson – futility belt.

After 46 years of service, Voyager 1 has stopped communicating with Earth, even Voyager 1 has had enough of our f****** bullshit.

*eats a carrot*

*checks off new year’s resolution*

The mystery is not do spiders poop.

The mystery is where do spiders poop.

“A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer .”

ME: I’m hungry. I think I’ll get McDonald’s.
HER: Aren’t you on a diet?
ME: OK. I’ll only get one McDonald.

her: have you ever erotically fed someone before?

me: *making airplane noises* why

My teenage children choosing violence

What I said: please stop letting flies in.

What my kids heard: go in and out the door every 23 seconds and don’t close it behind you.

My teen is officially at the part of math where I need to sit down with him and say, “Son, we are a family of idiots.”

British people be like I’m Bri ish

[text from wife]
I want a divorce

Me: *stands up at desk* YES!!!
*starts breakdancing*
*books trip to Bahamas*
*kisses Carol in accounting*
*goes into boss’s office* I QUIT!!!

[…typing]
Haha, April fools

Thank you cards only ever thank people for nice things they’ve actually done. This excludes people who don’t like doing things. We need cards that thank people for bad things they HAVEN’T done

Me: I don’t know…this one has a great turning radius but the other one just looks better.

Husband: For God’s sake, just grab the next available shopping cart!

Supposed to leave for vacation in 5 minutes. Somehow, the clothes I need to pack that I threw in the washer an hour ago, aren’t ready.

There are two reasons I often don’t reciprocate:

1. I get distracted.

[Blazing hot day]

Don’t forget to take a jacket, it might get cold.

~ My mom.