The CDC is warning customers to stay away from any form of romaine lettuce.

Deep inside, I always knew that stuff was trouble.

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When life hands you lemons, help me throw them at the kids on my lawn.


I decided to watch The Conjuring alone in a dark apartment and now I’m not allowed to make my own decisions anymore.


3-year-old: *dumps Cheez-its on the floor*

Me: What are you doing?!

3-year-old: Feeding the Roomba.


What’s the best way to remove a grass stain?


I don’t see how getting drunk will help, but whatever.


[cool person follows me]
me: ok I gotta bring my A game now it’s only good tweets from here
me 5 mins later: horses r just big dogs ?


Oh, you hate leftovers? Maybe you should’ve thought of that last night when I cooked a big meal and you were “not that hungry.”


Him: Sir, you don’t have the experience or fitness to be a fireman.

Me: But, I got a mustache!

Him: That’s cat fur attached with frosting.


Four stages of my life:
1. Life is beautiful.
2. What is twitter?
3. Twitter is beautiful.
4. What is life?