Pasta is very hard to eat when you’re a dog. I know this now.
The CDC is warning customers to stay away from any form of romaine lettuce.
Deep inside, I always knew that stuff was trouble.
You Might Also Like
When life hands you lemons, help me throw them at the kids on my lawn.
I decided to watch The Conjuring alone in a dark apartment and now I’m not allowed to make my own decisions anymore.
3-year-old: *dumps Cheez-its on the floor*
Me: What are you doing?!
3-year-old: Feeding the Roomba.
“Wait, let me explain..”
What’s the best way to remove a grass stain?
I don’t see how getting drunk will help, but whatever.
[cool person follows me]
me: ok I gotta bring my A game now it’s only good tweets from here
me 5 mins later: horses r just big dogs ?
Oh, you hate leftovers? Maybe you should’ve thought of that last night when I cooked a big meal and you were “not that hungry.”
Him: Sir, you don’t have the experience or fitness to be a fireman.
Me: But, I got a mustache!
Him: That’s cat fur attached with frosting.
Four stages of my life:
1. Life is beautiful.
2. What is twitter?
3. Twitter is beautiful.
4. What is life?