The CDC is warning customers to stay away from any form of romaine lettuce.
Deep inside, I always knew that stuff was trouble.
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I’m starting a frequently terrible drycleaner called autopleat
Grocery guy here with a reminder…
You don’t “un-thaw” things from the freezer. You “thaw” them. Un-thaw would be freezing it😒
Transcript of Paul Ryan’s life since endorsing Trump
them: did u get my email?
me: [saw it but completely forgot to respond] omg no can u resend?
guilty
Helter Skelter is my favorite song about my eyebrows
Dominos just called to let me know my pizza’s on the way. They correctly assumed I’d need time to find my pants.
[tries to take a selfie]
Phone: NOT ENOUGH SPACE.
[deletes a bunch of photos]
Phone: still tho… don’t.
I’m looking for a very tall gf to reach the cookies, or a very small gf I can lift up to get the cookies.
You wanna do stuff with toys in bed? Let’s do it; I’ve already got like 3 hot wheels cars and a Barbie in there right now, so….
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
I swear some people should be banned from cooking
*removing hair clog from drain*
Well wookiee here
If I could go back in time, I’d probably stop Bruce Willis from saving us from that asteroid.
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
The coolest Superhero would be The Inaudible Woman.
Hear me out.
The first parent to school pick-up gets to pick the best kid. The well behaved one without the snotty nose.
The last parent to pick-up gets the feral child.
It’s a system I think would work.
Idiots are fun, no wonder every village wants one.
Sorry if I smell weird. I touched an old sponge last week
I’m fat, but not accidentally give birth in the Walmart bathroom because I didn’t know I was pregnant, fat.
Meteorologist: FINALLY getting some cooler weather around here!
Me: Phew just in time for me to move my stepson to college on Monday.
Meteorologist: Except for Monday which will be 187 degrees.
DJ VAN HELSING: this one goes out to my boy, Drac
DRACULA: *rolls eyes* oh here we go
DJ VAN HELSING: *plays Man in the Mirror*
*maintains eye contact*
*leaves with Drac’s girl*
I try not to drink in the office because if the boss finds out he may ask me to share
He asked what my favorite position was… I said CEO
I had this nightmare that Salma Hayek and Kevin Hart were trying to tell me something at the same time and expected me to understand it
I like to remind my kids who’s boss by putting a cherry tomato on top of their ice cream sundaes every once in a while.
Sometimes it’s fun to walk out of the ladies room licking your fingers.
DATE: Wtf are you doing?
ME: *hula hooping* It’s called foreplay, Denise.
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
Boss : Why Are You Late?
She : Heavy Traffic
Boss : Is that my fault?
She : Did I Blame You