the CDC reading all the CDC tweets tomorrow
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Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
I’m not a 10, I’m more like two 5s stuck together with melted cheese
tossing the phrase “slappery slope” into the discourse like a beach ball and moonwalking away
They said the kids that bullied me in school would be pumping my gas one day but 1 just got a modeling contract who do I talk to about this
Anti-Vaxxer: Hey, did you hear the one about the kid with measles?
Vaccinated person: I don’t get it.
Just gave my next door neighbor a giant bag of candy to dump in my sons trick or treat bucket on Halloween so I can go home after one house.
I’m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.
I’m old enough to be your uncle…your sexy uncle
INTERVIEWER: What happened at your last job?
ME: I was fired for being too literal.
I: How have you supported yourself since then?
M: Legs.
Let’s all take a moment to honor National Punctuation Day because life would be: very, confusing! Without it?
Me: can you come in here a second?
Boyfriend: is this gonna be a “fun” talk?
Me: not for you
My superpower is being able to watch a movie 3 times and getting something new out of it each time (because I was scrolling twitter each time).
“I don’t want to see the movie until I read the book first” is why I’ve never watched a movie in my life
If you want to go on a wild adventure then just let your kid make up the rules for a board game
Looking for a job on Craigslist. A guy wants to pay $150 to borrow a valid driver’s license to rent a car. What could possibly go wrong?
[at the bank] hi I would like to deposit these tacos. oh and *drops a fistful of hot sauce packets on the counter* these too, thanks
Friend: Man he drinks like a fish.
Me: [crouched in a tiny pirate castle with a 12 pack] I’m freaking the hell out.
[runs up to a group of people]
ME: ZACK ATTACK
GUY: lol is your name zack or—
[thousands of bros crest a nearby hill]
ME: [whispering] RUN
wife hoping for a normal day: good morning
me: im gonna try to become left handed
I present to you: Stupid things White people have said to me, but with a “live, laugh, love” font, because I’m petty, a thread…
Optimist: The glass is ½ full.
Pessimist: The glass is ½ empty.
Excel: The glass is January 2nd.
Kids are fun because they’ll barge in the bathroom when you say “don’t come in, I’m naked” and then get mad at you because you’re naked.
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I’ve got bad news
ME: *pulls an apple from pocket*
DOCTOR: *sweating* GOOD NEWS, I MEANT GOOD NEWS
Not sure if the bulb for my check engine light finally burned itself out or if my car magically fixed itself, but I’m going with the latter
“5 second rule lol.” -me, first day as a heart transplant surgeon
“Don’t you understand the basics of cuddling? You don’t struggle and I don’t hurt you.”
It’s hard to believe in God when every time I go to Subway the person in front of me has NO IDEA HOW SUBWAY WORKS.
mfs take one picture in a suit then start posting quotes about success, just go to the wedding bro
Artist: I love painting you. Times are tough.
Model: Are you a starving artist?
Artist: Kinda. *continues brushing butter on model*