Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My brother might be 38, but he just figured out he can control my television with his phone, and he is absolutely using that power to bug the shit out of me.

If you’re in your car, go ahead and pick your nose, because the car makes you invisible.

Flavor Flav: do you know what time it is?

Audience: WOOOOOOOOO

Flavor Flav: I SAID DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS?

Me: *normal speaking voice* 9.37pm

The vet said he can’t prescribe my imaginary horse anymore ketamine.

Superman: Cool underwater lair. Can I use the bathroom?

Aquaman: The what?

{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.

HER: He’s so kind.

ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.

every day I think about the girl who thought everyone could “hear the universe’s energy” and it turned out she just had tinnitus, I hope she’s doing well

If Yoga is hot and out of breath, what does Yoga do?

Yoga pants.

WIFE: I love the oaky, earthen taste of this wine.
FRIEND: Mine is both crisp and full-bodied.
ME: [corks on my teeth] I am Count Corkula.

Definition of Rap Songs: Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.

[at olive garden]

waiter: welcome to the garden, what’ll it be

me: olives

waiter: ok

Why is it PIZZERIA and not PIZZARIA?

– my brain at 2:00 am

OMG! How did you get all of those bruises?

Me: [flashback, crashing into dresser trying to zip skinny jeans] I slipped on the ice.

I think that at least twice a week it should be acceptable to fall asleep with your clothes on and change to your pj’s to go to work

According to my scales, there could be four wolves inside of me.

one of my colleagues is just one of my absolute favourite people. a patient brought us in homemade strawberry and cream cupcakes as an apology for being rude earlier, and my colleague just finished hers, licked her lips, dropped the paper in the bin and announced to the world ‘A F****N’ ENJOYED THAT, SORCHA. SOMEONE ANNOY HER AGAIN’

I love her

Me: I’ll get to sleep an extra hour on Sunday.

My bladder: Hahaha.

Please. Old people. When you comment on a Facebook pic you don’t need to end with Love, James. WE CAN SEE YOUR NAME YOU’RE NOT AN OSTRICH

If any of you die you should use your ghost powers to mess with me. Move my laundry from the dryer into the basket, throw out the old food in my fridge, let my dogs out in the morning. You know, real scary stuff. Get me real good.

The moral of Pinocchio is that lying is only bad if it’s really obvious.

I always thought I was a terrible multitasker until I had kids and had to feed a baby, wipe a nose, and produce a snack all while merging on the freeway.

Me: I bought an elephant.
Wife: how much did it cost?
Me: I don’t rem-
Elephant: $32,872.
Wife:
Me:
Elephant: I have an excellent memory.
Me: but he was on sale!
Wife: were you?
Elephant: no.

Me: [touching grass]

Grass: ok first of all, no.

So this one time, a friend asked me to PLEASE read a book so we could talk about it.

I read it… and I was like, um… I didn’t really like it…

Her: *happily* I know, right? Neither did I!

And I think this is my villain origin story.

I’m standing in the middle of the party with a bag full of burritos just now realizing B.Y.O.B. was referring to beer.

I like when the ending credits show pictures from the episode I just watched. What a fun trip down memory lane.

My first grader wants to go to a haunted house. Not a pretend one, a real one. “I want to fight a ghost,” were his exact words.

*receives a monthly bill*

didn’t i just pay this last month??

midcentury futurists:
technology will one day eliminate human suffering and enable us to live life to its fullest, most joyous potential

technology: