Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I’m reading their lips correctly, my neighbors are arguing about some creepy guy next door.

Fried some chicken because the 2 yr old telepathically told me we need some

[Enters Building]
“Excuse…”
*Voice fades*
“… anyone…”
“… how to…”
“… out this…”
“… ving door?”

I listen to your prayers, but only to correct their grammar.

Hi, fire department? My cat is in a tree. Television has taught me that this is your problem.

I don’t want to imply I was anything special in college but I was the president of the Ramen Club for 5 years, probably would have been 6, except my parents gave me an ultimate that I needed “to stop putzing around and graduate already.”

Found out I can’t run the air fryer, toaster, and microwave at the same time, but on the plus side I’m pretty sure I took a screenshot of the kitchen

A candle with no wick, is just wax, but a wick with no wax, is just string.

What else… ummm… no, I guess that concludes my TED Talk.

7: Mom can I tell you the longest dream I had?

Me: Why don’t you write it down so I can absorb it? But first tell Dad.

When I die, I want my ashes loaded in a howitzer and shot at a target. That way, when it misses and smashes a storefront, everyone will be like “yup, that’s Dean”

Dracula: I vant to suck your blood!

Me, a waiter: Is Pepsi okay?

Dracula: *sighing* I guess.

Therapist: What’s the problem?

Wife: He makes friends with the strangest things

Me [petting a bee]: You’re not strange are you Alan

I see your Full House and I raise you 3 episodes of Home Improvement.

-Me, not knowing how to play poker, but loving 90’s TV

I called my son’s school to see if they would take him a week early and apparently they “don’t do that” and I “need to stop calling.”

The Lord alone–not science–will determine how many chickens can fit inside my motorcycle sidecar.

pls don’t buy me anything family size i have no self control and no family

Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.

Neighbor: Nice. I got-

Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything

A man threatened legal action when he discovered that instead of a staff member ordering him in Candyman: the horror film, they ordered in the CD single of Candy Man by Christina Aguilera

[business trip]
ME: i forgot my charger
COWORKER: you should invest in a spare to keep in your bag
ME: i forgot all 4 of my chargers

My password is “weak?” Well your password recovery security question is soft as shit. The city I was born in? Ask me why my mom left my dad.

If you don’t think government is inefficient and wasteful, explain how the Census Bureau has been around so long yet we still use Fahrenheit

I got free pancakes on International Pancake Day. International Women’s Day is now almost over and I think I like pancake day better.

I turned out ok for someone essentially raised by Bugs Bunny.

*brings a tranquilizer gun to a pillow fight*

Nothing says “I don’t take you seriously” like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.

Vader: I AM your father.

Luke: Why are you telling me this now?

Vader:

Luke:

Vader: I need a kidney.

My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.

I want you to be cuter than you are, but alas I am drunk and you are a tree.

*wakes up the guy next to me* wow theres a sleepy boy here on this plane haha. Im on business myself. tryin to see if iceland is made of ice

The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they’ll erase what they did during the week.