Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Picking up some anvils, tunnel paint, and dynamite balloons

[My death bed]

*loved ones sobbing*

Me: Cheesecake. Not a slice ffs. The whole cheesecake. And no low-fat crap. Go! I don’t have all day.

Sip of coffee for me, sip of coffee for my shirt.

Can’t blame Waldo for hiding. Imagine if some dude just starting writing books encouraging people to find you.

I bet homophobic guys get reincarnated into condoms.

robbers: [leaving with my tv]

me: WAIT

robbers:

me: can you close the door

Due to unfortunate circumstances things are no longer fergalicious nor bootylicious

The downfall of society can be traced to when they stopped counting ketchup as a vegetable in school lunches.

Sorry I ruined our sexy video chat by repeating, “come and play with us, Danny” in my creepy twins-from-The-Shining voice.

I haven’t had a good nights sleep since I started wondering what holds up those blocks in Mario.

Guy about to invent balloons:

I wish there was a CHILDREN’S toy ON a strangulation hazard that could EXPLODE and then become ANOTHER strangulation hazard!!

Assistant: Bro…things ok at home?

WIFE: When my sister goes on holidays, she likes to stay off the beaten track, often using lesser known roads to see the country.

ME: *barely audible* a detourist

WIFE: Get out.

Behind every child flushing the toilet is a parent yelling “WASH YOUR HANDS.”

I always thought people prefer eating chicken with their fingers, and yet, it appears I’m the only one in this elevator with a drumstick in each hand

I’m going to open a food truck that sells chicken sandwiches. Park it next to Chick-fil-A and open it only on Sundays

It will be called Side Chick.

I’d like to live in a small town where they still do festivals, play fun games and raffles, bake pies and other delicious food, and sacrifice to the Gods..

My favorite thing about living in New York is that when you see somebody with a baby carrier strapped to their chest, 9 times out of 10, it’s a poodle

I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.

My wife was livid when I told her I used all of our savings to buy stock in Bose.

I told her to relax, it’s a sound investment.

Birds wouldn’t be so smug in zero gravity, I bet

“Put your pants on grandma, you’re scaring the reptiles!”

– Me, camping

My grandad fought Germans on the beaches of Normandy. This was last summer and it was very embarrassing.

As a millennial, most people assume I am desperate for praise, but the secret is: I would be totally fine with money.

ME: {strips naked and stands on scales} Great! Looks like I’ve lost a few pounds.

STORE MANAGER: Sorry sir, but these scales are for fresh produce only.

The 70’s called. They built a time phone.

Tried cleaning the house to the A-Team theme and ended up building a tank. So close.

I’m at the age where I am about to make a dentist a lot of money.

Welcome to Pushovers Anonymous. Cool if we start with a reading?
“fine by me!”
“you bet!”
“sounds good!”
“NO”
Sir, please leave.
“NO”
Okay.

Possible Tic-Tac-Toe results:
a.) it’s a tie
b.) you’re an idiot