The CDC website had a recipe for a quarantine cocktail made with vodka. It doesn’t taste very good but goddamn it gets your hands clean.
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Spring allergies- because my body likes to panic about plant sex
I went for a Pap Test today and the nurse said “I like your hair colour, is it natural?” and I replied “well, you’re about to find out.” [Seinfeld slap bass end scene] x
My uncle got stuck in a cloud while skydiving and lived for 72 days by drinking rain and eating birds that flew too close
Asserting dominance by showing up to my doctor’s appointment already in my gown from home
that would 100% work on me
The cool thing about ignoring a notification is being surprised to see it over and over again
If you give me another chance, I just know I can make things worse.
My wife has only one rule: I am always wrong…no, she has two rules.
Xylophonist Shredding It
drunk god: land clouds
angel: those are sheep
Wish a poltergeist would move in so there’d be someone else to blame when I lose my shit.
You don’t see many dog librarians. Probably because of the barking.
The most difficult part about taking a personality test is deciding which personality should take it.
Relationship stress can make you very confused!
Could you believe me , I entered a taxi today and forgot to sit down ?
me: an open casket with my vape pen hanging from my mouth
wedding DJ: i meant final requests for songs man
[toddler birthday party]
Stranger: my child is 36 months old. how old is yours?
Wife: mine’s-
Me: hey babe, I hurt my toe in the bouncy house. can you drive to the ER so I can eat my cake?
Wife: -432 months.
Can’t think of a single time the MGM lion advanced the plot of the movie in any way. Just needless jump scare
They don’t put calorie counts or serving suggestions on boxed wine. They know you’ve got enough problems already.
life finds a way
There are at least 5 bearded guys on here that I think I’m only following because I thought they were the same person.
You can literally say any Italian sounding words and pass it off as pasta.
I had bossatony micelli carbonara tonight.
You can even hide a dead body in Terms & Conditions, No one will ever know.
My wife always accuses me of having a favourite child. It’s not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.
Me: Sleep time
Brain: Remember in 9th grade when you rhymed “bridges” with “bridges” in a poem & didn’t notice till you were reciting aloud?
Overheard at the hardware store today …
Clerk: This interior house paint dries in 3 to 4 hours.
Customer: How much longer will it take to dry in the dark?
Twitter yesterday: We are outraged about the lion!
Twitter today: We are outraged about the outrage about the lion!
I heard time is money, so I quit my job. Now I have lots of time!
9: dad I don’t want to sleep in my room alone tonight. Can I sleep with you and mom?
me: aw bud, it’s okay. You won’t be alone in your room. There’s plenty of ghosts in there to keep you company.
9: MOM!
Her: so you’re a teacher? What do you teach?
Me *nervous*: children