The CDC website had a recipe for a quarantine cocktail made with vodka. It doesn’t taste very good but goddamn it gets your hands clean.
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[rubs magic lamp]
GENIE: You get 3 wishes
“Anything?”
GENIE: No wishin for more wishes
“I wish for more genies”
GENIE: I don’t like you
Relationship status: My wife calls me her chauffeur because I drive her nuts…
Twitter should come with a “MAY CONTAIN NUTS” warning when you open the app.
Me: “Take me to your leader!”
60,000 bees: *Just stuffing me awkwardly into the hive*
I hate when someone you love says mean things like, “It’s time to wake up.”
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
Eye drops falling everywhere except my eyes is why I have trust issues.
Me: i am not being ratatouilled by a mcnugget
The McNugget Rattatoulleing Me: PUT UR HAND IN THE DEEP FRIER
Interviewer: where do ya see yourself in 5yrs
Me: going through a Denny’s trash bin
I: but you might get this job
M: haha that’s… irrelevant
Kids teach you so many life lessons.
Unconditional love, patience, the meaning of family, but mostly to lock the bedroom door.
Me: You shouldn’t do math in pen. Get a pencil.
10yo: I can’t find one.
Me: *finds a pencil* Here.
10yo: I can’t find the pencil sharpener.
Me: *finds a sharpener*
10yo: I can’t find an eraser.
Me: Fine, use the pen.
10yo: I can’t find the pen.
[text from friend)
Her: You doing okay?
Me: Yeah I guess. Why, what have you heard?
I use awkward numerical range description anywhere between 13 and 4 times a day.
her: let’s make a baby
me: *getting the lego set from under the bed* ok
“I don’t want a lot for Christmas.”
Later…
“All I want for Christmas is you.”
EXACTLY WHAT DOES THAT DO FOR MY SELF-CONFIDENCE, MARIAH.
Realtor Dog: if you’d like to buy this house, pee here… and here
Relationship status: DON’T TELL ME TO CALM DOWN, YOU CALLED A STORMTROOPER A ROBOT
My grocery store keeps rearranging the produce section. If I need to work this hard to find bananas, there better be a damn tropical breeze!
“Thunder only happens when it’s raining. And players only love you when they’re playing.”
I wish more songs would combine weather facts with relationship advice.
“Earth’s highest recorded temperature is 56 degrees. And women like a man who has a lot of DVDs.”
I wish I had the confidence of my 8yo who boldly declared she was going to teach her younger sister to read “real quick”.
We’ve known each other for a while now and we both feel a deep connection. I think we’re ready to take this to the next level. Tonight I’m going to explain the metric system to you.
[planning a heist]
Guy: it’s gonna be an inside job
Me, hates going outside: nice
Husband: Don’t the kids have swimming tonight at 6?
Me: It’s at 7.
H: Oh, I was close.
Me: Yeah, the season ended 3 weeks ago.
How did ppl describe the size of hail before the advent of sports?
Disney set unrealistic standards of how often woodland creatures would help me clean and do laundry if I just sang out my window
You have your whole life ahead of you. They threatened
Who called it oatmeal-raisin instead of a misfortune cookie?
I’m “When I get a haircut I think she cuts more hair off my ears and eyebrows than my head” years old.
If it looks like I’m typing for five minutes I’m really just trying to spell diarrhea.