The celebrity couple name for Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton is Clump.
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me: where’s the harm? It’s just a little treat
my bank account: you said the same thing 100 little treats ago
1978 was all about running home when the street lights came on and dressing in the closet so my Shaun Cassidy posters didn’t see me naked…
Hubby just choked after he bit into a grape and it squirted down his throat….
Not as easy as it looks is it?
HOW DO I CONVINCE EVERYONE THAT I’M NOT UPSET SOMEONE STOLE MY CAPS LOCK KEY?
Oh right, like you’ve never let your kids stay lost in a corn maze just a little longer.
If they force me back to the office then they better be ready for the lifestyle I’ve grown accustomed to which is loudly singing the encanto soundtrack that I do not know the words to
Sorry, Tim. The Zoom meeting gods demand a sacrifice and you have the most annoying voice in the department.
Once a toddler learns “why?” It’s all over
I’ve never made it longer than 7 hours into a diet before my inner fat girl ate her way out.
Bagged lunch circa 1984
-sack of flour
-room temperature buttermilk
– note from mom saying “figure it out”
I asked my cousin why he eats the burger first and he’s like imagine I die whilst eating the chips
*Rap battle*
Me: *lips on mic* PLEASE STOP DROPPING THE MIC. IT WAS A BIRTHDAY PRESENT FROM MY MOM.
“AI is coming for your jobs” I’d like to see AI get absolutely no work done and then throw their coworker under the bus as soon as their boss asks about it
Don’t measure your worth by how much money you have. There are other ways to evaluate wealth: How much salami is in your home right now? Do you have both a bicycle air pump AND that weird little pin that always goes missing? How quickly could you get your hands on a large goose?
They built a huge, ugly thought-control tower right next to my house but actually I love it so much
DATE: so…this is your place?
ME: yea…not fancy but it suits me. *opens flap of bouncy house* oh, also do you mind taking off your shoes
Why is it called a knuckle sandwich, and not fist food?
[first day as a detective] I can’t remember where I parked my car
My daughter looked me dead in the eye and said “Daddy, no matter what.. We gotta keep going and hope to see another day.” I just wanna know what the hell they got going on in her pre-k that’s so stressful that she came across that saying
My earliest family memory is of my wolf pack attacking and ravaging a deer. As always, Uncle Joe got the wishbone.
Speechwriter: I have your speech ready, sir. “87 years ago—“
Lincoln: Whoa whoa whoa hang on…
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: On the sitcom Friends, how come the only couch at the coffee shop was always available for them?
I cleaned under the fridge and the stove. Found 47 dog treats and 3 ibuprofen. So an even 50 treats then.
One of my lamps has a light bulb which has outlasted my past 7 relationships.
Don’t tell me I don’t know anything about love. I just saw them open up a cheesecake sampler at Costco.
In my first job, I had to proofread tampon box instructions. Grammar was good, but it was clear that they had no idea how a period works.
of course you were in it i told you it was a nightmare
TWITTER IS NOT BACK IN BRAZIL YET
IT WAS A BUGQUICK I DONT HAVE MUCH TIME
THE KRABBY PATTY SECRET FORMULA IS-
Tim Cook announces iPhone charger cord to be long enough to reach a socket, Apple stock price quadruples.
Breath escapes my broken body. I collapse amid dark, icy spears of pain. The fight’s done. It’s over.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: You’ve done 9 seconds