Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My iPhone won’t even recognize my fingerprint unless it’s got crumbs on it.

If you’re 25 please stop saying you’re tired. I have bananas older than you.

“I’m gonna make a cool new social media site for college kids, but only for a few years. Then it’ll be a mom scrapbook” ~ Mark Zuckerberg

*sees my husband cry as he holds our newborn son for the 1st time*
wtf did that baby just say to you?

Improve a famous quote by adding or replacing a word with tacos.

Only a life lived for tacos is a life worthwhile. — Albert Einstein

Is anyone gonna tell them?

[Weekend in NYC with my wife]

Wife: Did you know Comicon is in NYC this weekend?

Me walking out of bathroom in a Deadpool costume: No clue

Can I come over. I got the zoomies and you have an open floor plan

Christmas cards are like, here’s a hard copy of the Facebook picture I posted a week ago.

*lights a joint*
Woah, fire! Ow! My elbow!

I think I am adventurous until I have to follow a detour or park in a tight lot

I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”

I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship.

I don’t have many enemies because I’m funny and sweet and they all died in mysterious fires.

New bird feeders are only attracting low quality dirt birds. How do I get eagles and swans and shit? Two out of five stars.

Buy living room furniture that matches your pet’s hair because, work smarter not harder.

hand it over!

who called it a toilet and not an IP address

police bust open my trunk. it’s full of potatoes. i’ve done nothing wrong.

I hate it when I’m in a rage and suddenly remember I’m not wealthy so I can’t hurl expensive bone china into the fireplace.

Therapist: so you pop pills all-day, eat random fruit you find on the ground, and see ghosts?

Pac-Man: *deep breath*

Went to a bar. Ordered a drink. Waiter served it without ice. So I called him again & asked for it.

I kept sipping my drink while waiting for ice. By the time the waiter came with ice, I had finished my drink.

Moral of the story:
Just ice delayed is just ice denied.

10:20
10:25
10:21
10:23
10:22

– Parallel parking my time machine

#YeaThatsMeInARelationship No, I don’t think we are on the same page.

me: [gets on one knee]

GF: [gasps]

me: [reaches into pocket]

GF: OMG

me: [pulls phone out] don’t move there’s a Pokemon on your foot

Me: Get off the iPad and play with your new gifts.
9yo: Ok, can you help me set up this microscope? Do we have vinegar and distilled water for this craft set? How does this weaving loom work? Can you do a mad lib with me?
Me: Go play the iPad.

[zombies banging on the door]
her: they’re here
me: god, I thought you said 8 oclock I haven’t even got the wine chilled

Find you a woman that looks at you the way my ex wife looked at my best friend, his brother, my stepdad, my bother-in-law, a handful of her coworkers, a group of bikers at the local bar that one time, that one dude who lived in the apartment above us…

cat 911: hello
cat: i need to report a murder
cat 911: kevin, is this you again
cat: yes
cat 911: what did we tell you kevin
cat: [long pause] that my food bowl being 1/3 empty is not a murder