The cell connection was bad so either your daughter is going to Yale or to jail. Either way, hope she’s out in five years or less.
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When I’m elected Pope, pants will be optional.
(at least for me)
(and that won’t really be a change from what I do now)
My hobby is removing unnecessary apostrophes from business signs in the dead of night
If your bio says 18+ brat I just assume you are an adult sausage
Your password doesn’t remember you either. He moved on. He’s someone else’s password now.
Apparently, my concussed brain found it totally acceptable to burst out with, “I’m sorry. I don’t know what we have talked about for the last 15 minutes so I’m going to leave. Bye,” on a work call, and then proceeded to hang up the phone.
Texts should come with a decoder ring, because wtf do you mean by “hey…”
“these fit like a glove,” i whisper, sliding effortlessly into my five legged pants
I’d … I’d rather not.
I’m starting to regret building that time portal. A version of me from a dystopian alternate future keeps coming back to eat my chips. He says the alien government’s killbots won’t let them have snacks, but he always shows up covered in Cheeto dust.
It’s just too late in the day for me to investigate the overwhelmingly strong mustard smell in my kids’ bathroom.
Ruin a Tolstoy novel by changing 587287 words
life coach: be the best version of yourself
me: I am
life coach: hahaha wait are you serious
“I’m so over you.”
– A blanket.
DAD: *to my brother* Just be yourself.
ME: And me?
DAD: Just be your brother.
wrestling movies: im sad and i have something to prove to my dad
actual wrestlers: my name is Nutbuster Mike and i dont care if i die
Wishing everyone who’s visiting their parents for Christmas a very water tastes wrong.
Bag of flesh that acts weird when another bag of flesh doesn’t send symbols on glowing screen
Millennials are “quiet breathing” on company time, often inhaling AND exhaling at the office
COP: *looking at my license* new jersey?
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
I’m smarter than I look. I was gonna say -more intelligenter- but wasn’t sure how to spell it so…
HR: you list 911 as your emergency contact
me: i hear they’re the best
When I was in 8th grade, I tried to get this guy to break up with me. So, when he would call me I would just sing N Sync songs to him.
I still had to break up with him.
[house hunting]
Loved that one. Great price & the owner seemed trustworthy
HER: It was next to a sewage plant & he had three eyepatches on
This baby at McDonalds may have started the screaming competition, but I guarantee I’m going to win it.
Yes, it was me. I pulled over and tried to coax those kittens into my van. You can keep your kids. I just want the kittens.
Maybe our declining vision is just nature’s way of letting us know when we’ve seen enough
7-ELEVEN CUSTOMER: Ew! This slurpee machine is full of weird dirt!
MANAGER: Weird dirt? But that means…
*cut to Dracula flailing around in a coffin filled with blue berry blast*
Of all the horrible ways to die I think healthy eating sounds the most painful.
Walked past our fish bowl and the water bounced like that cup in Jurassic Park. Now I feel both insulted and all powerful.
*army rises out of ball pit*
dark lord: whose bright idea was it to put the portal here?
[they point to bob]
dark lord: you the man, bob