Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: can I get a job application

mcdonald’s manager: [handing me one] do you have experience

me: oh yeah I’ve filled out hundreds of these

Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.

I used to be such a party girl, and last night I went to a concert that played until 11:30pm and I was fighting for my goddam life to make it

Whenever I see a bruise on a banana my first thought is pity, but then I think it probably deserved it because I slipped on a peel once.

ADHD is being excited to have a looming deadline because it means it’s actually going to be easy to start your work today.

The cabana boy was flirting with me at the pool, and my daughter told him he should go get some water if he was that thirsty. I can’t stop laughing.

If the line takes more than 5 minutes at the grocery store the candy beside the checkout aisle should be free.

Asked the mechanic how much it would cost for my son’s car to pass inspection and he transferred me to their mortgage department.

i was doing yard work today when i stopped to tell a pile of leaves how cold fusion works. needless to say they were blown away.

My gravestone will probably say: Oh yeah? Well you’re all dead to me too.

Sure, new mom Kylie Jenner goes makeup-free for Vogue & everyone celebrates her.

But when I go makeup-free to the grocery store, people are all, “Are you ok?? You look sick. You need sleep. And vitamins.”

For a brief period, cats delivered mail in Belgium. During the 1970s, the city of Liège “hired” 37 cats to deliver mail in waterproof bags. As expected, the cats weren’t effective mailmen.

If I suddenly had the ability to teleport, I’d spend an entire day popping up naked in front of people and asking for John Connor.

The walk of shame, but it’s just trying to walk after sitting crisscross applesauce for a few minutes.

recently discovered you can push text scammers to their breaking point simply by playing along with the scam

I trust my car navigation the same way I do the floor arrows in Ikea and If we end up in a lake… so be it

Yes, Neil, everything sounds better when you have a great voice. That’s how sound works.

when will chicken evolve to the point where they hatch already coated in 11 secret yet oh so delicious herbs and spices?

I identify as an antique shop.

As someone who was born in August, I find the word leotard extremely offensive.

1991: Mom gently rocks you to sleep
2024: Mom doesn’t rock you to sleep anymore

Anyone else notice this?

boss: you’ve been late 3 times this week, u know what that means

me: it must be Wednesday

feel like Nope sort of put the cgi animals question to bed forever lol. you really want a real life bear on set? for a scene where your lead actress is getting attacked by the bear?

I asked my 5-year-old what she was on because she was having such a good time wiggling and being weird. She looked at me like she finally met the dumbest person in the world, “the couch.”

WE ARE AT THE PARK. BUT THE HUMAN SAYS IT’S TIME TO LEAVE. WHICH DOESN’T MAKE SENSE. BECAUSE THEY CAN’T CATCH ME

If the only way you can make money with your degree is to become a professor teaching the subject…

Then you have–by definition–joined a pyramid scheme.

My Shakespeare brings all the boys to the yard
And they’re like
We’re gonna kick your ass fancy boy

Apparently being half naked on a conference call is especially not appropriate when it’s the left half.

Parents: back in the day, we didn’t go to therapy

Me: it shows

I watched my wife listen to our youngest son describe how another boy was mean to him and saw her explain to him how to deal with it peaceably while plotting in her head a murderous rampage of the boy’s entire family.