Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

oh. I see you’ve gained some weight.

-my mirror

The first rule of bread making club is you only talk about it on a knead to dough basis.

“It’s too early for porn.” Said no man ever.

You know you’re ordering too much takeout food when the delivery guy replies ” it’s me” when you ask who’s at the door.

her: I don’t feel like talking

me: uh oh, is it me?

her: not at all, I’m having a hard time

me: uh oh, what did I do?

her: no no, a family member died

me: uh oh, did I kill them?

Husband: “Honey, I can’t find my sweatshirt and I’m cold. Have you seen it?”

Me: “Nope.”

Husband: “You’re wearing it right now…”

how to have fun when you’re poor

‘Too much’, ‘not enough’. or ‘just right’? 😂

Stuffs more popcorn in my face*

Why don’t bad guys in movies just paint the red wire green?

Tiny Son: Mommy, I can’t wait to be a ghost so I can see what’s inside of trees.

I just ate a piece of carrot cake the size of my head. I feel so healthy.

anime is so crazy think about shooting your shot with a cute girl you meet in a coffee shop and she turns out to be a corpse devouring ghoul 5 seconds later.

Gonna start messing with people in public bathrooms and say “oh I recognize those shoes!”

grandpa: you kids don’t know how tough life was back when-

me: grandpa if you ate a single Flamin’ Hot Cheeto you would die immediately please check your tone

Kidnapping is a dumb crime because you’re literally forcing yourself to hang out with someone

Spotted in New Orleans.

This is like the worst pick up line I’ve ever heard in my life. Come on now guys do better. do better.
😩🤭😂🤣😂🤦🏼‍♀️

I have never heard an armadillo before.

My dog barks for 2 reasons:

1. When somewhere in the world another dog is barking.
2. When somewhere in the world no other dog is barking.

*limping in, covered in makeshift bandages*

Wife: Ready to admit that a puma does not make a good housecat?
Me: He’s just lonely. We need another puma.

Roses are red,
I love mashed potato.
Poetry is hard,
laminator.

#PoetryDay

ME [giving a PowerPoint presentation]: *points so hard*

Wife: *falls in volcano*

Me: You ok, honey?

Wife: Ya. Can you toss me a blanket?

too much pressure deciding when to look at a person walking towards me on the sidewalk

And then she accused me of oversharing. Can you believe that?

Drive thru cashier:

CSI: North Pole

Detective: Based on the evidence I’d say it’s the reindeer killer.

Chief: Did you find hoof prints?

Detective: *takes off glasses* No. Slay bells.

free space program idea: when you bring a spaceship back to earth land it on a huge seesaw and launch another ship off the other side

9-year old: Dad smell this. You licked a puss.

Me: [mutes TV] what

9-year old: it’s so good. Smell it. You licked a puss.

Me: …

9-year old: [hands me a candle jar]

Me. It’s *eucalyptus*