Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Got thrown out of the grocery store for holding a rotisserie chicken up like Simba again

Enough with the movies already. We get it. You’re an actor.

Me: I hate it when I realize I’ve made a bad decision, but I’m too far in to turn back.

Bartender: One more then?

Me: Yep

I’m writing Spider Ma’am, about a middle aged woman who gets bitten by a radioactive spider but keeps it to herself because she doesn’t freaking need this.

nasa: there will be a huge solar storm tonight

vampires: what the hell

Boss:my office, now!

Me:*to myself* dont be about Twitter dont be about Twitter

B:we’ve had a sexual harassment complaint

M:Oh thank God!

“You can’t put off doing work by just eating snacks all day,” I blatantly lie to my son.

Having a kid means knowing when she asks to watch Mr. Handsome, she means The Little Mermaid.

if you watch the titanic backwards hundreds of disgusting sea zombies come together as a community and rebuild an old ship

“Somebody needs to go to the store!”-mom yelling from the kitchen

“Jason, you think you’re somebody. Why don’t you go to the store?”- Dad

Popular misconception: women brag about designer clothing. Most women I know whisper “This was $7 at TJ Maxx” or “I grabbed the wrong bag at LAX and two hitmen are chasing me, but look, free romper.”

One of my favorite scientific discoveries in recent years is that among domesticated animals, dogs recognize the difference between themselves and people, but cats just think the people who live with them are terrible incompetent cats

To save a bit of money on e-cigarettes I’ve started to roll my own batteries.

Remember when we thought 2016 was a particularly bad year?

*Laughs in 2020*

[Home Depot staff meeting]

BOSS: Someone has been breaking all the wood. Any idea who it is?

ME: [tightening my green karate belt] Probably someone pretty strong.

I’m becoming psychic. Looking at a dusty exercise machine and I see a yard sale in its near future.

People at the beach are acting like they’ve never seen someone push a little kid out of the way while sprinting to an ice cream truck.

They grow up so fast. One day they are tiny babies, the next they are pulling out of the driveway, and you’re all “oh no oh god how did the toddler get the car keys???”

Guys, have you ever become so fed up trying to undo a bra that you wished you hadn’t put one on in the first place?

HEALTH OFFICIAL: one way to slow the spread of disease is to isolate yourself from people

ME: way ahead of you

Me: Hi. Can I help you?

Him: I’m here about the wanted ad for the one night stand

Me: Great. Where is it?

Him: What?

Me: The nightstand.

I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery, but if I did, you’d see someone else cutting all this damn grass.

store clerk: can I help you find anything

me: yes *hands over where’s waldo book*

I sure didn’t win the genetic lottery. I can eat healthy and diet for 6 months and lose 10 lbs. I eat like shit for 3 and a quarter days and gain 73

“And the Oscar for Best Actress goes to…..Beyoncé?”

*Kanye slowly sits down*

When people ask me why I’m “confined” to a wheelchair, it makes it sound like a prison sentence. I want to say something like, “I ate too many free samples at Costco. I’ll be out in seven months.”

Someone forgot to tell my body that calories after midnight don’t count

This might be the most wholesome advice column question I have ever seen